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Old 06-12-2015, 11:49 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 233: A Nice Effort, Indeed


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a Brave One who's no stranger here: Ronnie Massey! We also have Liam Hayes in blue, and I'm the cranky one in red.

This week, we have another entry from a writing challenge I ran over at Digital Webbing. (I'm also running five more, right now! Go see!) Here were the rules for this particular challenge:

Cannot be longer than five pages

Must have an alien (take that as you wish)

One page must have 2 panels or less on it

There must be at least 200 words of spoken dialogue

Bacon must be an object

Chainsaw must be in the spoken dialogue

Let's see how she did!

Page One (6 Panels)

Panel One: We are in what appears to be the bedroom of a frathouse.
We can see two twin beds, sports equipment scattered here and there, a large poster with three Greek letters in it, as well as a desk with a single chair. On the desk there is a laptop and a covered, styrofoam, takeout plate. There is no door that we can see. High on one wall we can see a circular speaker embedded in it. Seated on the side of the bed closest to us is KIERRA. Dressed in jeans, a dark tank top, and no shoes, she is facing us and has her head resting in her hands in a manner that prevents us from seeing her face. The light source is directly above her in the form of a light fixture that we canít see.

(I already have problems with your format. Starting the panel description on the same line as its header, both of which share formatting, makes the script bunched up and unclear.)
(This is an editorial prerogative. This isn't wrong, folks. Remember: there's no such thing as a standard format for a script. It just has to be consistent.)

CAPTION: Somewhere near Carolina Coastal College, Myrtle Beach, SC.

KIERRA: *Groan* Oh, jeez...what was in that last drink?

KIERRA: My head is killing me, and--

Click here to read more.
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Old 06-13-2015, 10:43 PM   #2
Hathor422
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I was so close to a flawless victory. That missing page break slipped by me. Thanks for the breakdown, guys. TPG is a great tool for writers wanting to learn comic scripting.

I'm going to go back and work in this, and hopefully work out the pacing issues. I'll also watch the dashes and ellipses in future scripts.

Thanks again.
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Old 06-14-2015, 03:23 PM   #3
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Thanks for doing the edits Steven and Liam. Nice to have a script which is full of win, and just enough issues that I learned a little from your comments.

I don't like the last page, where Kierra goes all butlermaid for a moment. It's telling, not showing. But overall it was pretty cool.
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