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Old 05-04-2019, 06:17 PM   #1
Murder Maker
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Post Teen Titans Script

Uploading my rough draft to get some feed back.

Tell me what you think I should do better.


Hollow Victories

https://i.imgur.com/yU3W1om.jpg?1

Characters - Robin, Cyborg, Raven (Cameo) , Beast Boy (Cameo) , Starfire (Cameo)

Setting - Titan's Tower, Robin's Room.

PAGE 1


Panel 1

Long Story of Robin's Silhouette pacing back and forth a dimly lit room. A single light focus' on a large box with the word EVIDENCE written on it.

Panel 2


The scene pans left, exposing more of robin's room. Neatly Folded Bed, Clean Floors, Proper and Orderly.
However within the same shot, Robin's room is littered with sticky notes. A large billboard with faces of conspirators and criminals on it.
Scattered over a table, the content of what was in the large evidence box.

(Robin's room is clean representing his personal obsession with routine.
Robin's room is also messy representing his personal obsession with his work.)

Panel 3

Medium Close up of an exhausted looking Dick Grayson squints against his computer screen, punching away at the keyboard, entering the text
"Journal Entry: 2731 " The mouse cursors remains hovering over the end of Robin's sentence.

Robin Then begins an inner monologue which should be displayed within the panel, clear for the reader to see.

Robin: I dreamt of Terra again last night...

Panel 4

Now we are brought to a full body shot of Robin sitting behind his computer desk, typing his thoughts.

SFX: KLACK KLACK KLACK KLACK (Loud Vioent typing further stating that robin is documenting his thoughts )

Robin's Inner Monolouge Continues at the top of the panel.

Robin: It's been 3 months since Deathstroke's grip over the city was shattered, and 3 months since Terra sacrificed herself.

Robin has another text box within the same panel, at the bottom of the page.

Robin: I've been doing my best to allow everyone to process the loss, and even grieve if they have too...

PAGE 2



Panel 5


A close up shot of Robin, he seems visibly tired, even with his mask on. He is rubbing his eyes in an attempt to keep his focus on his computer.
Robin's Monologue Continues

Robin: Dealing with the Terra situation while still patrolling every night, It's really been rough these last couple weeks.

Panel 6
FLASHBACK

Robin takes the reader on a flashback scene of his previous attempts to speak to the titans about terra's death.

Panel 6 - panel 9 should be consided 1 image, spit 4 ways so that the reader can see Robin's attempts to speak to each titan Cyborg, Starfire, Beastboy, and Raven within the same panel.
( Formentioned panel would naturally be within the 1/3 - 1/2 page size so the viewer can get a clearer picture of what Robin is trying to convey )

There is no other sound within the Flash Back Panel other then Robin's continuous Inner Monologue.

For the First of the Flashback Images Robin Stands in the doorway of Cyborg's Garage. Robin is leaning against the doorway rather cool-like, with his arms folded across his chest and one leg leaning against the doorway.

Victor Stone however lays on the floor working on the undercarriage of the T-car. (There is no sound effects for this)

Within the panel Robin is visibly unhappy because Cyborg is ignoring him.

Panel 7
FLASHBACK

Robin is now seated at the foot of Starfire's bed, sitting in a relaxed manner.

Starfire sits crouched knees-to-chest, clutching a stuffed animal in her arms, Starfire has a visably somber and mournful look on her face.

Robin his clearly trying to console her.

Panel 8
FLASHBACK

We begin with a close up on Beastboy, he is laying in his bed. His room is messy with clothes, paper, junk food , and pizza boxes scattered randomly across his room.

Underneath a mound of filthy bed sheets Beastboy lies in the fetal position, It is clear to the reader that his is sulking.

Robin's blacked out silhouette stands in the doorway of Beastboy's room.
Standing in a causal manner. The reader can only see the whites of his mask as the rest of his face is shrouded in darkness. (However Robin is visibly saddened at the sight )

Beastboy is turned away from robin at the door, his back facing the light that Robin represents and has brought with him from the world outside of Beastboy's dark room.

Beastboy does not want Robin to see him crying but he is clearly in no mood to talk.

Panel 9
FLASHBACK

Robin stands outside of Raven's room... (Perhaps draw a skull or KEEP OUT or something, anything to give the reader the impression that this is Raven's Room)

There is a slight crack in the door and peaking from out behind it is the Displeased and frankly Annoyed face of Raven Roth.
While Robin makes an attempt to speak to her, Raven's signature scowl is enough to scare him off.

(The 4 image Flashback ends here)

Robin ends the flashback by continuing his monologue, at the bottom of the flashback sequence WITHIN THE SAME PANEL by saying

Robin: I think my attempts to reconcile with the team has only made things worse. Perhaps they just need more time...

PAGE 3


Panel 10

Finally done with the Flashback we get a shot of Robin pacing back and forth across his room. One of his hands on his chin.
He is clearly in deep thought.

Robin: There wasn't anything pleasant about what happened to Terra. But there's one thing that still gets me to this day

Panel 11

An over the shoulder shot of Robin analyzing the content of his evidence box.
Layed out on the table the evidence in question would begin with Terra's hair clip, One of Robin's stolen bo-staffs, Cyborg's flashdrive, Terra's dismantled titan's communicator, One of Raven's Spell Tomes, Blue Prints of Titan's Tower, and countless pictures of each member of the Team.

Panel 12

Robin continues examining the evidence. Picking up Terra's "S" badge previously given to her by Slade, Robin knew it far too well.

Robin: That we didn't see this coming...

(This is meant to be a darker more dramatic shot to really emphasize Robin's darker state of mind.)

Panel 13

We now go to a top down shot of Robin's computer desk, pictures of all the members of the Titan's scattered around his keyboard.

Some of the images have scribbles and circles on them, highlighting the weak points of the titans.

Robin's computer chair is noticeably empty as he is no longer seated typing.

On Robin's computer screen a still image of Terra, her profile built on lies and deception

At the bottom of the panel Robin continues his monologue.

Robin: I though I knew Slade, I thought I knew his MO. All those times we fought him, and just barely managed to fend him off.

Panel 14
A close up Dramatic shot of Deathstroke's Cracked Mask.
Robin Continue's his Monolouge.
Robin: Hollow victories...

PAGE 4


Panel 15
FLASHBACK
Robin enters another flashback trigger by the memory of Slade
(This flashback is the only one to have dialogue within it.)
A full body shot of Terra in her first appearance outfit, fist bumping Robin.

Robin: I'm Robin and we're th-

Terra: TEEN TITANS, rock on~! It's so cool to meet you guys!

Panel 16
FLASHBACK

The flashback continues with an other the shoulder shot of Terra pointing out members of the team, who are standing behind Robin.

Terra: I'm Terra, and you're Cyborg, Raven, Starfire, and-

Beastboy: Boy Beast!...uh, I mean, Bass Boot!...No!

Terra: Beast Boy?

Panel 17
FLASHBACK

Attention pans back to Robin who is staring curiously at Terra.
Flashback ends

Panel 18
A new scene opens with a close medium shot of Robin sitting back at his computer desk, his hands covering his eyes. His face his visibly distraught.

Robin: What kind of leader am I? I failed to prepare, It was my fault for not being vigilant enough.

Lost within his own mind, robin would come face to face with a truly unyielding foe.

Self-doubt.

Robin's Monologue continues at the bottom of the panel.

Robin: He wouldn't have made such a rookie mistake!

(The HE of course being Batman)

PAGE 5


Panel 18

Enraged with himself, Robin flies off the handle smacking everything off of his computer desk.

SFX: BOOOSH!

Pictures of the titans, File Paper, and crime scene photos scatter throughout Robin's head space

(a metaphor for his now messy room.)

Robin continues his lnner conflict

Robin: I thought I knew Slade! I thought I knew Terra!

Panel 19

Reaching his emotional peak, Dick Grayson moves through across his cluttered floor. to a full body shot of himself setting on his neatly folded bed. Hands covering his eyes once more.

Robin sits in the dark recesses of his mind, truly feeling the magnitude of Terra's betrayal, and the depravity of Slade. All at once repressed emotions from the emotionless Robin seem to leak out in the confines of his room.

Robin finally ends his inner monologue with a very verbal.
Robin:" I thought I was ready..."

Panel 20


Suddenly light pierces through the darkness which robin sits in. The automatic door to his room as been flung open to reveal a long haired feminine silhouette.

SFX: Fwwsk.

Panel 21

Koriand'r stands in the doorway to Robin's room, a shy and meek expression on her face.

Starfire: We have ordered a pizza...

She stutters realizing the disarray that Robin's room has become.

Panel 22

Almost immediately Starfire's eyes focus on Terra's file still on Robin's Computer, then over to Slade's mask on the evidence table.

Then finally to Robin squinting angerly at her.

Piecing together what had just happened, Starfire is utterly speechless, it wasn't like robin to have his room in such a state.

Starfire:...

The scene ends with Robin glaring at Starfire, and Starfire being at a loss for words.

END

Last edited by Murder Maker; 05-06-2019 at 08:34 AM.
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Old 05-04-2019, 10:19 PM   #2
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Sound job with the dialog and uses of SFX.

PS Tittle suggestion. Hollow Victories
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P.B.DeBerry is a writer/letterer of words, soup enthusiast in Massachusetts with a talent for over thinking. This bio took him five hours to write. You can read more from P.B. at.. fisticuffswriting.com
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Old 05-06-2019, 08:33 AM   #3
Murder Maker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paul brian deberry View Post
Sound job with the dialog and uses of SFX.

PS Tittle suggestion. Hollow Victories
Thank you so much man, this is my first ever script and I was real nervous for it.
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Old 05-07-2019, 10:49 AM   #4
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Hey bud read your script. Good job. I have some thoughts which Iíll post shortly.
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Old 05-07-2019, 04:57 PM   #5
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Hey! So great job. It’s hard to come up with an idea and take the time and effort to dump it from your brain to paper in an organized and coherent way that’s also engaging and entertaining. So kudos to you for sharing your draft.

While there are typos and grammatical mistakes I’m not going to point those out. Ill focus my comments to story and content. With that said this is just my two cents I’m not a pro I’m just a “rando” on the internet. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I hope it’s helpful. Another disclaimer, while I’m familiar with the characters my knowledge of the relationship between the Teen Titans, Terra, and Deathstroke does not run deep. The following are some quick thoughts that came to my head as I read your script. I apologize in advance if I ramble.

Right off the bat you have great panel descriptions, sound FX, and dialogue.

This is a Teen Titans story, right or wrong, my first expectation is a little excitement or action. The first page and the last panel on the first page is pretty important. You got to hook me to the turn the page. To be honest, I’m sorry to say, the first page is a tad boring. It’s Robin in a dark room on his computer. The last panel is him typing. Why would I turn the page after the last panel? To see him hit save? Nah.

Basically Terra is dead and everyone feels like shit. But Robin especially so, he’s struggling with the guilt of responsibility for Terra’s betrayal/death. Now I don’t know the exact circumstances of her death. But for the sake of my following example, I’ll assume Deathstroke was responsible and let’s say he stabbed her in the chest with one of his bad ass katana blades.

You mention Robin dreamt of Terra again last night…
How about Panel 1 is Robin getting terrible sleep, fetal position, sweating, and grimacing, because of his PTSD memory/nightmare. Panels 2-3 is a flashback to the struggle with Deathstroke. Panel 4 is cliffhanger image of Terra on the ropes and Deathstroke is about make his kill…turn the page. Panel 1 death. Panel 2 Robin startles awake and so on.

On page 2 you write
“For the First of the Flashback Images Robin Stands in the doorway of Cyborg's Garage. Robin is leaning against the doorway rather cool-like, with his arms folded across his chest and one leg leaning against the doorway.
Victor Stone however lays on the floor working on the undercarriage of the T-car. (There is no sound effects for this)
Within the panel Robin is visibly unhappy because Cyborg is ignoring him.”

Without dialogue or Robin’s monologue, how is the reader supposed to infer the irritated face on Robin is due to Cyborg ignoring him? I have no solution to his this, just something worth pointing out.

Page 3
Question. Why is Robin reviewing evidence of the murder? He knows who the killer is and how Terra dies. Robin isn’t really trying to solve the crime, rather he’s wrestling with his emotions and guilt. Maybe if he was fondly looking over pictures of happy memories along with mementos/trophies from successful missions with Terra would have a more emotional impact and actually makes it hard for him to get over it. But I guess you kind of do that with this line “Terra's hair clip, One of Robin's stolen bo-staffs, Cyborg's flashdrive, Terra's dismantled titan's communicator, One of Raven's Spell Tomes, Blue Prints of Titan's Tower, and countless pictures of each member of the Team.” But this is probably items Terra used to execute her betrayal? I think I have an issue with the word evidence in your script. Oh well, just a thought.

Page 4:
You write: “Robin: He wouldn't have made such a rookie mistake! (The HE of course being Batman)”
Maybe you change “He” to “Bruce”. Sounds more personal. But it’s fine the way it is. Just personal choice.

Alright that’s all I got for ya. Time is short
Good job, keep the scripts coming. If I have time, I’ll read them and comment.
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Old 05-08-2019, 04:18 PM   #6
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You made some very good points.

I'll definitely tweak the first page, as I WANT to hook my readers. Thank you.

To answer your comment about the Cyborg Flashback panel, I'll have to work with an artist, because there's only so many words that you can use to portray silence.

I might change the entire panel, I might change cyborg's positioning so that we can see his annoyed face. IDK

Question 3, Robin is reviewing the evidence first because he's Robin, second because within the Teen Titans animated series, Robin is the only character skeptical of Deathstroke's death at the hands of Terra.

Lastly for the Batman Easter egg. I kept it Bruce's name out of the script because the Teen Titans animated series never mentions Batman

And I believe this is intentional as Teen Titans occurs after Dick's monumental falling out with Bruce.

So there is still some hostility between Dick and Bruce.

But thank you for this in depth analysis, I really needed to test the structure of my script.
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Old 05-28-2019, 06:05 PM   #7
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Apart from the grammatical errors I love this script. Page 1 might seem a bit boring, but there's captions there to read, so they carry you onwards, in my opinion.

The grammatical errors nearly stopped me from reading, there's a few of them early on. That said. Cool script.
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