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Old 04-26-2018, 10:41 AM   #1
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Black Jack - First Issue - Requiem For Darkness

Any comments appreciated!

Black Jack
Issue One - “Requiem For Darkness”
By Kevin Lee McDougall


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Thin. A shard of light stretches across an otherwise dark apartment ceiling. It reaches from an (off-panel) outside gangling street lamp through the living room window.

1. CAPTION: “Long is the way and hard…

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Thin. Street lamp malfunctioning as evidenced by unstable light casting the ceiling into shadow.

2. CAPTION: that out of hell, leads up to light. ” - John Milton

PANEL THREE (row three): Wide. Underneath the dance of shadow and light, under the window, lies restless a white young man, half naked, pyjama bottoms, on a drab sofa. He’s about six foot and weighs around one hundred and sixty pounds; you can tell he works out. To the side, a small table stand and a lamp atop it.

3. CAPTION: Somewhere, someone facing yet another unwanted day.

4. CAPTION: In another unwanted month.

5. CAPTION: In another unwanted year.

PANEL FOUR (row four): Frontal. In darkness, the young man has lifted himself, the weight of the world burying into his shoulders.

6. CAPTION: In what has been for some time now, an unwanted life.

PANEL FIVE (row four): Close. His hand has stretched wearily across his shrouded face.

7. CAPTION: Maybe today is the day this someone begins their ascent out of hell, or descends themselves further into it.


PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. From behind. Young man standing, turned to face the window, gazing out.

8. CAPTION: This day will tell.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Foreground, from the front: young man making his way out of the room, his featured obscured by shadow. Background: just in view, on the floor, plastic sheeting, on top of it a painted canvas on an easel, in front of it, paint pots and a brush.

PANEL THREE (row two): Close. Through the window.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Medium. Up in the starlit night sky.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. An array of stars.

PANEL SIX (row four): Wide. Some of the stars have merged to create two words surrounded by more stars. They spell: BLACK JACK.


PANEL ONE (row one): Bird’s eye view. Corridor. The young man has exited his apartment. He’s locking the door. Opposite, another apartment.

PANEL TWO (row one): Side shot. Turned from the door, he’s shrunk under the harsh bright light of the corridor, posture and dark hair rendering him indistinct. He’s wearing sneakers, navy jeans and a black hooded jumper.

PANEL THREE (row two): Stepped to the apartment door opposite, he knocks.

9.SFX: Knock! Knock! Knock!

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close. His hand knocks again.


PANEL FIVE (row two): Nothing. Darkness.

PANEL SIX (row three): Diagonal angle. The blackness has been broken by a table lamp being switched on. A white old lady is in bed, half asleep, reeling her arm in from the lamp, eyes flinching at the light. A wheelchair sits beside the bad.

11. YOUNG MAN (off-panel) It’s Jack.


PANEL ONE (row one): Bust shot. The old lady speaks. She has bobbed silver hair, sky blue eyes, low prominent cheekbones, thin delicate lips, and a straight nose.

12. OLD LADY: Come on in.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. In the foreground, from behind: Jack has walked into the room. In the background: the old lady struggles to lift herself into a sitting position.

13. OLD LADY: I’m sorry, Jack, I-I’ve only just woke.

14. JACK: It’s no problem, Doris.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. Jack has walked over to Doris’s side of the bed, and has manouvered himself around the wheelchair. Darkness seems to follow him; still his face is obscured by shadow.

15. JACK: You ready?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close. Doris has let out a smile tainted by a painful expression on her face.

16. DORIS: I suppose.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Jack has lifted her from the bed, and holds her in his arms.

PANEL SIX (row three): Close. Yawning, Doris is just about to cover her mouth with her hand.

17. DORIS: Yawn

18. JACK (off-panel): Good morning.


PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Jack has placed Doris into the wheelchair. Crouched over a little, he has both hands outwards, ensuring Doris is sat in comfort.

19. DORIS: Thank you.

20. JACK: You’re welcome.

PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. From behind, Jack has walked to a table that holds a kettle, a couple of cups, and coffee condiment kits: the kind of thing you’d see in a hotel.

21. DORIS: Jack…

PANEL THREE (row two): Doris looks on with affection.

22. DORIS: What are you doing?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Wide. Jack has half turned (to his right side), smiling, half of his face exposed to the light. Dark brown hair with a side-swept fringe, high cheek bones, sombre big brown eyes, and a mischievous smile render him quite cute.

23. JACK: Making coffee.

24. DORIS: You don’t have to always do this you know. I am capable.

PANEL FIVE (row three) Medium. From behind. Jack has resumed preparing coffee.

25. JACK: I know. I like to.

PANEL 6 (row three): Close. The kettle has reached boiling point. Jack pours the hot water.


PANEL ONE (row one) Medium. Jack, knees bent a little, having used both hands, has handed the cup to Doris.

26. JACK: There you go. So… is there anything I can get for you today?

PANEL TWO (row one): Close. Doris blows at the steaming coffee.

PANEL THREE (row two): Wide. An over the shoulder shot. Jack in the foreground, from behind, Doris in the background, her mouth open a little to speak.

27. DORIS: No… I-I think I’ve everything I need.

28. JACK: You sure?

29. DORIS: I’m sure.

30. JACK: Right, well, I’d best get going.

31. DORIS: Okay.

32. JACK: I’ll… see you later then, Doris.

33. DORIS: Bye, Jack, and thank you…

PANEL FOUR (row three) Long. From behind. Jack has stepped towards the door.

34. DORIS: I do hope your day is a good one.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Jack has reached the door and has turned to look back at Doris. Light has finally caught his face in full, exposing unsightly scars on the left side of his face as though someone has sliced away at him with a shard of glass. Jack smiles sadly.

35. JACK: You too.

NOTE: From here on out, make a note of it that Jack’s scar is always on the left side of his face.


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide establishing shot. Still night-time, Jack has come out of a small apartment block and is making his way through its grounds littered with leaves.

PANEL TWO: (row two) Close. He’s been halted by a rain drop. It’s hit him on the face.

36. CAPTION: Rain…

PANEL THREE (row two): He’s looked up to the sky. Rain falls down upon him.

37. CAPTION: Contrary to appearances, rain could not fall upon a more conflicted, angstful, brooding, tortured and neurotic young man.

PANEL FOUR (row two): He’s pulled his hood up.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Tilted bird’s eye view. Jack is jogging across the road, on his way to catch a single-decker bus parked at a stop on the other side of the road.

38. CAPTION: Complexity never was easy.


PANEL ONE (row one): From behind. Jack is climbing up the steps to board the bus.

39. CAPTION: It is if you think about it, the very heart of darkness.

PANEL TWO (row one) Jack has found a seat on the left side, his right, midway up the bus.

40. CAPTION: For darkness breeds complexity and complexity breeds darkness.

PANEL THREE (row two): Close up. Jack, sat down. He has his hands on his hood, which is now pulled down.

41. CAPTION: And simplicity…

PANEL FOUR (row two) Jack, head leaned against the window.

42. CAPTION: Well, simplicity is the nucleus of light.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Diagonal angle. Foreground: Jack just visible, head leaned against the window. Background: on the same row as Jack on the right side of the bus, a provocatively sexy young woman gazing at him.

43. CAPTION: An exemplification of beauty, simplicity has unparalleled luminescence…

PANEL SIX (row three): Close up. Young woman, come to bed eyes, smiling in a flirty manner.


PANEL ONE (row one): Frontal. Jack has turned on his seat to face the young woman, curtly, purposefully exposing his scars.

44. CAPTION: But even darkness has some beauty.

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Close up. Young woman, shrinking, shocked, at the sight.

PANEL THREE (row three): Wide. Young woman has turned away. Jack has resumed his position, head leaned against the window.

45. CAPTION: Albeit in the form of over-bearing sadness, and heart-heavy tragedy.

PANEL FOUR (row three) Wide. Bus in motion, undertaking it’s journey. Provocatively sexy young woman can be seen staring out of the window, revulsion on her face.


PANEL ONE (row one): Now day-time, the bus has parked at a stop. Door opened, Jack climbing down the steps.

46. CAPTION: To align on the path of light, the self must undergo a contraction in nature.

PANEL TWO (row one): Frontal. Jack turned around, staring upwards to the bus (off-panel), bus stop behind him.

47. CAPTION: From much to little.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Young woman on the bus, gazing downwards at Jack (off-panel).

PANEL FOUR (row two): Bus driving on.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. Zoomed out. Jack crossing the road towards a retail park housing fast food joints in the distance, just in view.

48. CAPTION: But that is difficult when the inner you is a flaring colossus.


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack is in his work’s locker room, alone, at his own locker, holding some of his uniform, about to get changed into it.

49. CAPTION: But even colossuses must bend. For that which does not bend must break.

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Jack’s boss, an overweight, very tall, white man, has walked into the room. With one of his arms stretched out, he holds the door open. He wears the typical outfit of a fast food restaurant, with a cap on his head.

50. CAPTION: And break it will.

51. BOSS: Your excuse for today?

PANEL THREE (row three): Close up. Jack searches himself. He says nothing.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Close up. Boss, speaking, agitated.

52. BOSS: The next time you come in here late, you won’t have a job to turn up to! That’s your final warning, Jack. Now hurry the hell up!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Boss walking out of the door. Jack looks on, sullen.
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Old 04-27-2018, 05:04 PM   #2
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Second 11 Pages of Black Jack: Requiem For Darkness


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack has entered the back of a kitchen. Itís a typical fast food restaurant like McDonalds. Heís in his uniform, cap and all. Thereís a co-worker, in the same outfit, just in view.

53. CO-WORKER: You late again ugly?

PANEL TWO (row two): Jack has been greeted by the co-worker mocking him, his hand drawn half way down his face, directing attention to Jackís scars.

PANEL THREE (row two): Close up. The co-worker, wide-eyed, hand drawn down to the bottom of his face, finger tips at bottom left of his jaw.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Co-worker with his back to Jack, walking away. Jack with his cap cradled in his hands, head weighed down.

54. CO-WORKER: Have a nice day.


PANEL ONE (row one): Small. Close. A digital clock on the wall above the tills. It reads 9AM.

PANEL TWO (row one): Customers coming in and out of the doors marks the passage of time.

PANEL THREE (row one): Small. Close. Digital clock on the wall above the tills now reads 12:30PM

PANEL FOUR (row two): Side shot. A slick young businessman has walked up to a till at which Jack is at. Jack is taking his order.

55. JACK: What drink would you like with that?

56. BUSINESSMAN: Iíll get a diet Coke.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Jack off-panel, heís walked away to put together the order. The businessman stands there waiting, a queue behind him.

PANEL SIX (row two): Birdís eye view. Jack pushes the businessmanís order to him.

57. JACK: There you go. Have aÖ have a nice day.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): The businessman walks off with his order, tray in hands.

PANEL EIGHT (row three): Side shot. Another customer has walked up to Jackís till to place his order.

PANEL NINE (row three): Frontal. The businessman has arms on the customer at the front, trying to push in.

58. BUSINESSMAN: Excuse me!


PANEL ONE (row one): Frontal. Wide. Jack, looking on questioningly.

59. JACK: Is there a problem sir?

60. BUSINESSMAN: There sure is. I ordered large, and youíve given me medium.

PANEL TWO (row two): Businessman angry, Jack adamant that he himself is right.

61. JACK: I think youíre mistaken, sir.

62. BUSINESSMAN: I think I know what the hell I ordered.

63: JACK: Well, you paid for a medium.

64. BUSINESSMAN: I may have paid for a medium, but I ordered large. Itís your mistake, so fix it.

PANEL THREE (row two): Frontal. Jack, boss behind behind him, hand on one of his shoulders.

65. BOSS: Whatís going on here?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Jack turned to face the boss, who with his large size, is looking down on him.

66. JACK: Heís saying I got his order wrong.

67. BOSS: And did you?

68. JACK: No.

69. BOSS: And?!?

70. JACK: He wants a large.

71. BOSS: Give it to him!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Jack, unhappy and surprised by the Bossís request.

72. JACK: What??

73. BOSS: Just get him what he wants!

PANEL SIX (row three): Jack, head weighed down again, searching himself, again.

74. JACK: No.

75. BOSS: Iíve had enough of you. Round the back, NOW!


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. From behind. Jack has walked away from the till towards the back of the kitchen, the boss behind, following him.

PANEL TWO (row two): Medium. The boss has gripped Jack by the arm.

76. BOSS: What the hell is wrong with you?! If I tell you to do something, YOU DO IT!

77. Jack: NoÖ

78. BOSS: What?!?

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Jack has thrown off the bossís grip.

79. JACK: NO!

PANEL FOUR (row two): Medium. Boss, fuming, arm out, finger pointing towards the exit (off-panel).

80. BOSS: Then get the hell outta here! YOUíRE FIRED!

PANEL FIVE (row three): Wide. From behind. Jack walks towards the exit in the background, his arm down by his side, having just let go of his cap, which is now falling to the ground.


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Jack has entered the locker room to the stare of the co-worker who insulted him.

81. CO-WORKER: You leavingí early, or was my plan just too damn good for you?

82. JACK: What?!

PANEL TWO (row two): Wide. Jack is at his locker now, on the left, head turned to the co-worker, on the right, who looks back.

83. CO-WORKER: I knew you just couldnít resist.

PANEL THREE (row three): Medium. Co-worker, now on the left has walked past Jack, whoís in the middle, to exit the room. Jack, with his locker open, looks on as he does.

84. Now Iíll finally be free of your sad, sorry, ass.

PANEL FOUR (row four): Medium. Jack has thumped his locker closed.

85. SFX: THUD!!


PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Still day-time, Jack crossing the road, gets hit by a slow moving car. Heís holding a brown paper bag.


PANEL TWO (row one): Medium. Jack bangs on the bonnet of the car with one of his hands, the brown paper bag in the other.

87. SFX: BAANG!!

PANEL THREE (rows two +three): Long shot. Tilted birds eye view. Jack in his apartment. With his arm trailing behind him, heís whacked the door closed with force.


PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. One of Jackís hands in the brown paper bag, about to bring out whateverís inside.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Close up. A pill bottle slammed onto the small table stand. The label reads: Triazolam.

89. SFX: SLAM!

PANEL SIX (row three): Wide. Jack has collapsed onto the couch. To the side remains the art supplies and materials from earlier on: plastic sheeting, a painted canvas on an easel, paint pots, and brushes. On the canvas is a painted close up of a sandy coloured Cavapoo (this canvas painting must be actually coloured, Aaron)

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Close up. Jack with eyes closed, falling asleep.


PANEL ONE (row one): Wide. Doris is sat in her wheelchair, reading a book.

PANEL TWO (row two): Medium. She checks her watch.

90. SFX: Knock! Knock!

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Dorisís door opened, Jack standing there.

91. DORIS: Hi, Jack, you okay?

PANEL FOUR (row two): Tilted birds eye view. Jack walks in, following Doris.

92. JACK: Iím okay.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Medium. Doris points to the kettle and condiment table. It has a chair underneath.

93. DORIS: Sit downÖ

PANEL 6 (row three): Medium. Jack pulling the chair out from underneath the table.

94. DORIS: Can I get you anything? Have you eaten?


PANEL ONE (row one): Jack now sat down on the chair. Heís shifted in it in discomfort, both of his hands holding onto the sides of the chair.

95. JACK: Erm, noÖ I mean, thank you, but yes, Iíve had something.

96.DORIS: How was your day?

PANEL TWO (row two): Close up. Jack, head looking down, wounded, heavy.

97. JACK: I-erÖ I was fired.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Side shot. Doris sympathetic. Jack looking to one of his legs spread out in front of him.

98. DORIS: Iím so sorry, Jack. What happened?

99. JACK: Iím okayÖ Iíd rather not talk about it right now. AnywayÖ Iílll find another one. I always do.

PANEL FOUR (row three): Wide. Jack and Doris looking to each other.

100. DORIS: Well, I hope youíll like the next one.

101. JACK: Me too.

102. DORIS: Itís about time you started making money from that art of yours.

103. JACK: I know.


PANEL ONE (row one): Medium. Jack has shifted his hair to one side (the right side).

104. JACK: Thank you, Doris. I-I donít know what Iíd have done without you all these years.

105. DORIS: Jack, Iím the one who should be saying thank you.

PANEL TWO (row one): Close. Doris, concerned.

106. DORIS: Are you sure youíre okay?

PANEL THREE (row two): Close. Jack, tired, world weary eyes.

107. JACK: Iím fine thank you. Just tired.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close. Doris empathetic. Open smile.

108. DORIS: Well, help an old lass into bed, and you can get off to your bed for some sleep.

PANEL FIVE (row two): Jack hands on Doris, about to take her out of the wheelchair.

PANEL SIX (row three): Doris in Jackís arms once again.

PANEL SEVEN (row three): Doris in bed. Jackís shadow looms over the bed sheets.

109. JACK: Night, night, Doris.

110. DORIS: Night, night, Jack.


PANEL ONE (row one): Jack has come into his apartment, and has shut his front door, using his back. Leaning against it, eyes closed, tortured, heís exhaled.

PANEL TWO (row one): Jackís bedroom door opened a little, his fingers grasped around it.

PANEL THREE (row two): Medium. Jack now in his bedroom, has walked over to a dresser and picked up a framed photo of himself from it. Itís a small bedroom. The bed only just fits in it, and the window in there is just as small. The decor is bland.

PANEL FOUR (row two): Close up. The picture is of a scarless, happier, young Jack.

PANEL FIVE (row three): Close up. With his hand on it, the picture has tilted and Jackís scarred reflection can be seen in the glass.

PANEL SIX (row three): Jack has worked up into a mad fit of fury. Heís thrown the framed picture at the wallÖ


PANEL SEVEN (row three): And has lifted his mattress off of his bed.



FULL PAGER: Jack sat on the edge of his mattress-less bed. Mattress and smashed framed photo lain strewn on the floor.

113. CAPTION: ďEven colossuses must bend. For that which does not bend must break.Ē

114. CAPTION: ďAnd break it will.Ē




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Old 05-11-2018, 07:42 AM   #3
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Hi, Kevin... the overall tone of the story was pretty good. With that said it flowed nicely, the character was likeable. It was a cool read and I really enjoyed the mood of your script. My only criticism is that I wish there was more dialogue to go with it, but as is it worked with or w/o more. Nice tone. It would be great to see this finalized!! All the best to you and your team. When and where I can find the finished work would be awesome...
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