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Old 11-17-2018, 08:20 PM   #1
Ash74
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Sigma Viper Six Story Breakdowns

Hello all... been a loooooong time since I've logged on to this site and posted anything for critique.

What follows is an idea, one of several, featuring a mecha as the centerpiece of the story. Love the manga/anime style robot stuff so I've been tinkering with my own versions of them.

The story can be complete in one or continue on depending on where it goes.

I know what I think is wrong with it. Curious to see if anyone else has any thoughts.

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Sigma Viper Six
Story Breakdowns
24 Pages

1. A figure breaks into a storage locker, climbs inside a mechanical suit, and powers up.

2. Weapons come on line. He shoots an adjacent storage unit before blowing up another.

3. View from inside the helm shows mapping leading to St. Marcus Memorial Hospital.

4. Walking out into the streets he's confronted by two squad cars.

5. Both are cars dispatched as the human driven mech advances towards its target.

6. St. Marcus Memorial Hospital ER - Det Maria Cotera tries not to get thrown up on - hand wrapped up and bleeding.

7. Cops talk by the ER doors. Sounds of thunder outside over the standard chatter. Cop radios squawk. Warn of the danger coming.

8. Maria hears the radio. Listens to the thunder and realizes it's not. Stands up and yells.

9. Maria evacuates the ER waiting room just... in... time.... BOOM

10. Upstairs a woman watches tv and cringes as her daughter lies in bed hooked to machines. The woman whispers a name. The girl asks - Daddy?

11. The mech plows into the waiting room and begins ripping up the place. A mechanical voice demands to speak to Doctor Fon.

12. Maria runs towards it firing her service pistol. Bullets bounce off it. She gets swatted backwards.

13. The mech advances into the hospital. Maria is pulled form the rubble by EMT

14. By now SWAT and the rest of the universe is at the hospital. Maria finds who's in charge.

15. Maria gets the info on what's going on. Puts two and two together. Grabs the device. Rushes off.

16. Upstairs bodies fly down the hallway as the mech approaches the room with the mother and child. It looks in.

17. Mother and mech/father fight. We learn the child will die w/out an operation.

18. Maria reaches the room. Tries to talk. Father spins and fires at Maria who dodges the blasts.

19. She runs. Leads him away from the girl. Cops swarm in and pull her & mom out screaming.

20. The mech hears his daughter scream. Stops. Turns. Maria lunges at him with the device. "This is going to hurt"

21. She slaps the device on him & activates it. He bellows as the shock throws Maria Cotera back a'la Empire Strikes back

22. Mech shuts down and opens. Inside is a charred husk. The man is dead.

23. Daughter is crying. Wife flipping out as she's being dragged away. Hurt and tired, Maria sees the girl and cries.

24. We end w/ Maria and the girl in her custody. The suit gets locked away but something... something isn't quite right.

END.

Quick Story Notes - Everything below will be worked into the story which will be told as if the Detective is filing a report on the events in the script.

Sigma Viper Six is the call sign of the mech.

Det Cotera is in the ER w/ a hurt hand because she got into a bar fight. Its the anniversary of her son dying.

Wife of sick girl was a temp at a engineering firm & learned of them storing the mecha suit in a storage locker. Ex husband was supposed to steal it to sell for money for their daughters surgery.

Instead he decided to try and make the doctor perform it.

FBI and Techs from the engineering firm on site were alerted as soon as the mech went active.

They have the :key" to shut it off which Maria takes to stop it.

Reason it was put away is because it killed the driver. One use and good bye, hence the husk.

Wife in jail and father dead, Det takes custody of the girl.

Father's mind still alive inside the mech...???
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