Batman vs. The Joker ( one page )

[Kajinink79]

Hi, I wrote this many years ago and today I made some slight changes to it because I like this short story and want to draw it in the future. I encourage any feedback and any attempt for artists to draw this one pager. Thanks for your time and enjoy. All the best,
Kajinink79

Page One:
http://i64.tinypic.com/o9n4o2.png

Page One (continued):
http://i66.tinypic.com/xpx2lz.png

Ps: a correction that was overlooked is on PANEL SIX. When I wrote “...is now operating his batarang device”... I simply meant his Batman Belt.

[Proter]

There's no establishing shot to show where we are. That can be tough to pull off.

Your next panel may have been better of being your first. Showing the Batman in the foreground and the Joker in a window in the background.

I think you should describe a picture and not describe action. These are images that need to be drawn. I think some of your panels will be really hard to draw. Something that might help even if you're not an artist it to try and thumbnail the panels yourself. If you can't see a way to do it then maybe you need to modify your panel descriptions.

There's no story here. I know it's just a couple of pages but maybe you should have a complete story.

I just want to mention that I'm not a professional artist or writer, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I do try to provide constructive feedback.

Take care!

[Scribbly]

This short script is OK. No problem to get it drawn. But it has no meaning.
What is the use to draw a story without meaning?

[Scribbly]

Actually, after a new review of the script, I can see these pages as the ending or beginning for some story.
Well, now what we need is the story that will justify the making of these pages.
What happened between the Joker and Batman this time? What the Joker did?
Or what is he going to do to badly piss off Batman? You fill in the blanks.

[Kajinink79]

@proter and scribbly I can see this (one pager) needs to be stretched out a long ways to tell a good story. I can see that now. With the comments I got and looking over the one pager I can obviously tell a lot more is needed.

To set an establishing scene. Better descriptions. More story. Those were some key points I remember and I appreciate the good faith guys.

Even tho I do not write much (one pager), so much more under this forum could be interesting as there is really not much.

Kajinink79

[Artloader]

Hi Kajinink79, I quite like starting off with a close-up of something, not everyone likes it but I think it raises curiosity in the audience. I do think that it is good that you quickly establish the general setting in Panel 2.

Just a couple of comments from me:

1. If I were to be doing the art for this I would want to know in Panel 1 whether or not any of the room was visible or is the panel completely filled by the Joker?

2. Is it night or day?

Hope this helps .

Keep going dude!

[Kajinink79]

@Artloader: you make valid points. A small close up of a building or so would’ve helped. And of course night vs day. I would like to see how the proffesionals write out their scripts. I’m currently reading Batman the court of owls and sometimes wonder what Scott Snyder writes down for Greg Capullo to draw. I’ve seen many times diff writers write short story’s on a diff art website as a “contest” in which I used to enter many moons ago, but I never got em quite right. Again thanks for reading and giving good feedback.
Kajinink79

[Artloader]

No worries dude.

Another thing I found useful is to ask myself where the camera is - when a scene is described like this it helps clarify things so that an artist can draw what the writer intended.

A good place to learn more on comic script writing is the ComixTribe section of these forums, in particular check out the Pouch Of Nuts:

http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums...d.php?t=168149

And you can also see scripts that some of us folks submitted to The Proving Grounds. The feedback we all got was really useful in improving.

Keep writing fella!

[Kajinink79]

@artloader. Thanks for writing and posting a link. I’m gonna see what’s on there and on proving grounds. As for writing more often. Maybe soon, thanks again. Also for anyone wondering about the Scott Snyder Greg Capullo court of owls script writing... I just fin the first tpb and at the end they give you a look at some pages of Snyder’s script. Off I go...

[Kajinink79]

Great link @artloader... hell of a link!