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Old 06-06-2018, 06:31 AM   #1
infinitekhaos
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Bump In The Night (8pg story)

Hello! Long time member/lurker and this is my first time posting. This is short script I've been working on. Looking to do something with it very soon so I'd like a little feedback first. Thanks!


Bump In the Night
by Kevin Suddoth Jr

PAGE 1 - (4 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Establishing shot of an upper middle class suburban home. Its the middle of a bright and sunny afternoon.
1 CAPTION: Two Years Ago.

PANEL 2
Were inside the home from panel one. A couple is sitting on a couch in the living room. The Wife is in her mid to late thirties. There are signs of age and stress on her face but still good looking. She has long red hair, kept in a very neat ponytail. Glasses and freckles. The Husband is around the same age. Lanky but a strong, firm face. Also bespectacled. Short black hair with a few creeping grays at the temples. There is another man in a black suit sitting directly across from them with their back to the viewer.
WIFE:
A GOVERNMENT FUNDED RESEARCH PROJECT HUH? WELL COLOR ME INTRIGUED.
HUSBAND:
WHAT EXACTLY DOES THE JOB ENTAIL?

PANEL 3
We're now behind the couple's POV. An older white gentleman is sitting in a chair directly across from them. He his on a crisp, but plain black suit and slicked back hair. Think your typical shady government Man in Black. His demeanor is serious and its clear he's there to do business.
MAN IN BLACK:
THE DETAILS OF THE PROJECT ARE CLASSIFIED, BUT YOU'LL BE FILLED IN SHALL YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT THE OFFER.

PANEL 4
Close up of the couple again. The husband looks a bit worried at the mention of the project being classified. On the other hand, this seems to have piqued his wife's interest even more. She's giving her husband a side eye glance as he's looking down, apparently mulling over the offer.
HUSBAND:
SO WHAT CAN YOU TELL US OTHER THAN WHO WE'LL BE WORKING FOR?
MAN IN BLACK:
(Off Panel)
ONLY THAT IF YOU ACCEPT, YOU'LL HAVE TO RELOCATE FOR A FEW YEARS. AND THAT YOU'LL BE PAID VERY HANDSOMELY.

PAGE 2 - (4 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Still in the living room but this time we have a side view. The couple and the Man in Black are still sitting across from each other. The Man in Black has a Manilla folder in his hand. He's reaching across the table to hand the folder to the couple.
MAN IN BLACK:
ANY OTHER INFORMATION WE CAN GIVE AT THIS TIME IS ALL LAID OUT FOR YOU IN THESE DOCUMENTS. BUT LET ME SAY THIS. THIS WILL NOT BE AN ORDINARY ENDEAVOR. WHAT WE'RE WORKING ON HAS THE POTENTIAL TO CHANGE THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT. BUT IN ORDER TO SUCCEED WE NEED YOU TWO.

PANEL 2
This time the POV should be the now open folder sitting in front of the couple. Both are looking down into it, trying to glean whatever necessary information to make their decision. Husband still has a concerned look but not as much as before. Wife's eyes are a little wide. She's clearly either surprised, or excited about something she sees.
WIFE:
THIS...IS THIS..THIS CAN'T BE. THIS SALARY IS UNBELIEVABLE.
MAN IN BLACK:
(Off Panel)
WE BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE WORTH EVERY PENNY. AND IF WE'RE RIGHT, THIS WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING. LIKE I SAID, WE'RE TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD, AND HOPEFULLY YOU TWO WILL PLAY A BIG PART IN THAT. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? LETS MAKE HISTORY.

PANEL 3
We're in front of the couple again. They are no longer looking at the document but are staring at each other as if trying to see what the other is thinking. The wife's brows are raised in curiosity. The look of uneasiness has begun to fade from the husband's face but not completely.

PANEL 4
Side view. The Wife and the Man in Black are now in the midst of a handshake. They are both smiling but the husband is not.

PANEL 5
Back in front of the couple. Same camera view as Panel 3. Husband is giving a sideways glance towards his wife. She's smiling at him.
HUSBAND:
YOU SURE WE'RE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION HERE? I CAN'T QUITE PUT MY FINGER ON IT BUT SOMETHING JUST DOESN'T SIT RIGHT WITH ME.
WIFE:
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH. WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

PAGE 3 - (3 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Establishing shot of the outside of a research facility. It's night time. Secluded area. Plenty of lights, security fences, and what not. The place is huge, with multiple buildings all interconnected. Modern looking but unassuming.
CAPTION:
PRESENT DAY. SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTHWESTERN UNITED STATES.

PANEL 2
We're now inside the facility. Long shot of a hallway. Its deserted, dark, and eerie. The only visible source of light should either be an exit sign or maybe an emergency light.

PANEL 3
We're now inside a laboratory. Modern looking, there are all kinds of equipment and papers about as if someone was working on something very recently. Like the hallway, its dark and deserted.

PAGE 4 - (4 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Close up on the wife in one the darkened laboratory halls. Her face is frantic and frightened. Her fiery red hair is tied up in a ponytail.
CAPTION:
THEY'RE ALL DEAD. I'M SURE OF IT. AND IF I DON'T FIND A WAY OUT OF HERE, I'M NEXT.

PANEL 2
We pan back showing the full length of the scene. The Wife, dressed in a white lab coat, is in the process of sprinting down one of the previously deserted hallways.
CAPTION:
I'M GONNA DIE. OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE.

PANEL 3
Small panel showing one of the wife's short black heels slamming into the floor as she runs.
CAPTION:
OK, CALM DOWN. CALM THE HELL DOWN AND FIND A WAY OUT.
SFX:
CLACK!

PANEL 4
Coming in close behind the wife. She's in mid stride, still running forward, but her head is turned and looking back behind her. A look of panicked worry and fatigue apparent in her face.
SFX:
HUFF. HUFF. HUFF.

PAGE 5 - (5 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Wife has now rounded a corner into another corridor. POV is from the other end of the hallway with the camera facing her. About halfway down the hallway, lie the remains of the rest of the research team as well as other personnel in the facility. They are mangled and stacked up into piles, with blood and various body parts on the floor surrounding them.
CAPTION:
JESUS CHRIST!

PANEL 2
Close up of the chaos on the floor. As previously stated the bodies, or what's left of them are mostly piled on top of one another. Some are intact and mostly normal while others are dismembered beyond recognition. There are huge claw marks visible on some of them.
CAPTION:
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M MORE DISTURBED BY HOW GRUESOME THIS SCENE IS OR THAT WHATEVER DID THIS DELIBERATELY STACKED THESE BODIES TOGETHER.

PANEL 3
With her back pressed firmly against the wall, the Wife has begun to ease her way past the debris of bodies and to the other end of the hallway.
CAPTION:
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS MAKE IT TO THE SAFE ROOM AND EVERYTHING WILL BE-

PANEL 4
Close up of her face. She's screaming. Eyes big in shock and there are tears beginning to run down her face. Her hand is clasped to her mouth to prevent the scream from making too much noise.

PANEL 5
Back to the floor. She has made it almost to the end of the bodies, but there on the floor we see what remains of her husband. His face looks almost the same as the opening scene. Eyes open and blank. His neck is slashed open and everything from there and lower is a bloody mess.
CAPTION:
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE LET THIS BE A DREAM.

PAGE 6 - (4 PANELS)

PANEL 1
In this panel we get a shot of the dark hallway behind the wife. The monster is approaching, we still can't see it but we can feel it.
SFX: THUD!!!

PANEL 2
We get another look at the Wife. Tears are still in her eyes from the sight of her beloved, but the sudden thud behind her and a swift gust of wind push all other thoughts but fear from her. Her hand is covering her mouth, her hair is lightly tussled by the sudden breeze and the hair on her arms are standing on end.
SFX: WHOOSH

PANEL 3
Following the last panel, the Wife has resumed her trek towards the safe room. However, in the midst of this, she chances a glance behind her and of course she trips over one of the bodies strewn about the floor. Panel shows her just as she trips, in mid fall.

PANEL 4
She now finds her self lying stomach first in a gruesome pool full of bodies, blood, guts and the like. Luckily for her the safe room is directly in front of her as she is looking up at it.

PAGE 7 - (8 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Pushing herself up from the floor, she reaches for the door to the safe room. Its a large metallic door, with a keycard lock.

PANEL 2
Close up of her hand on the door lever. Unfortunately for her its locked and won't open.
SFX:
LOCKED

PANEL 3
Side view of her continuing to try to open the locked safe room door. She's desperate.
CAPTION:
NO! GOD, NO! OPEN UP! PLEASE OPEN!...WAIT, THATS RIGHT!

PANEL 5
Small inset inside of panel 3. Close up of a keycard on the left breast pocket of her lab coat.

PANEL 5
She presses the key card to the reader. A small green dot lights up to signify the door now being unlocked.
SFX:
BEEP

PANEL 6
She is now on the other side of the safe room door. Her attempt to frantically push it closed shut is thwarted by a random limb/body part of one of the deceased that has gotten wedged between the doorway.

PANEL 7
Back in the hallway as she continues to try to close the door from the inside. There are a pair of glowing eyes surrounded by a monstrous silhouette just down the hall from the safe room door.
PANEL 8
She finally manages to close and seal the door. The limb that was blocking her way now snapped in half. Just as she did so the creature slammed into the door, denting it and knocking her backwards.
SFX:
BOOM!

PAGE 8 - (6 PANELS)

PANEL 1
Knocked off her feet by the impact, she sits up against a wall in the safe room, smiling triumphantly.
CAPTION:
THERE'S NO WAY IT CAN GET TO ME NOW. NOT BEFORE HELP ARRIVES.

PANEL 2
With her still sitting against the wall, the door to the safe room begins to open.
SFX:
CLICK
SFX:
HISS

PANEL 3
She looks bewildered as she realizes her grave mistake.
CAPTION:
BUT..HOW?! DON'T TELL ME! IT USED MY KEY CARD?!

PANEL 4
The door is now fully open. The large silhouette of the creature is visible in the door frame but no details except for its frightening red eyes.

PANEL 5
Close up of the woman. Her face shows complete hopelessness.

PANEL 6
Knowing her fate, she has now lost it and throws her head back in uncontrollable laughter.
SFX:
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

THE END.
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Old 06-06-2018, 11:18 AM   #2
Bishop
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Welcome to DW! I mostly like your story. I just wish we got a look at the monster at the end, and maybe some explanation as to what they were doing that created it.

My main criticism would be that your panel descriptions are too prose-like and could be confusing for your artist. You want to make sure that you are giving the artist what they need to adequately convey what you need in that panel, and remember that they can't draw more than one action in a single panel.

Examples:

Quote:
PANEL 3
Following the last panel, the Wife has resumed her trek towards the safe room. However, in the midst of this, she chances a glance behind her and of course she trips over one of the bodies strewn about the floor. Panel shows her just as she trips, in mid fall.
Do you want her to be shown resuming her trek and glancing behind her, to tripping over a body while glancing behind her...?


Quote:
PANEL 1
In this panel we get a shot of the dark hallway behind the wife. The monster is approaching, we still can't see it but we can feel it.
How do you draw the feeling of a monster approaching?

Quote:
PANEL 8
She finally manages to close and seal the door. The limb that was blocking her way now snapped in half. Just as she did so the creature slammed into the door, denting it and knocking her backwards.
What does the artist draw? Her slamming the door? Her flying off her feet?

One thought, to add a storytelling twist, would be to move pages one and two to the end. So, start with the horror and end with the beginning "...What's the worst that could happen"
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Old 06-06-2018, 01:40 PM   #3
Bishop
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Your story reminded me of this OATS short film that I really liked...

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Old 06-06-2018, 07:44 PM   #4
infinitekhaos
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Thanks for replying. I come from a short story background so that explains the panel descriptions. Writing too much for a single panel to display is a bad habit that I'm trying to break. Thanks for pointing that out.

As for the monster, my original thought was to not show it because I wanted to leave my audience guessing. But I guess it is kind of dissatisfying for all that build up to amount to nothing. The last thing I want is to disappoint readers.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bishop View Post
Welcome to DW! I mostly like your story. I just wish we got a look at the monster at the end, and maybe some explanation as to what they were doing that created it.

My main criticism would be that your panel descriptions are too prose-like and could be confusing for your artist. You want to make sure that you are giving the artist what they need to adequately convey what you need in that panel, and remember that they can't draw more than one action in a single panel.

Examples:



Do you want her to be shown resuming her trek and glancing behind her, to tripping over a body while glancing behind her...?




How do you draw the feeling of a monster approaching?



What does the artist draw? Her slamming the door? Her flying off her feet?

One thought, to add a storytelling twist, would be to move pages one and two to the end. So, start with the horror and end with the beginning "...What's the worst that could happen"
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Old 07-03-2018, 11:19 PM   #5
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Hi I haven't posted in a little bit and I'm not a professional.

I thought I'd provide feedback as a reader.

I'm not sure if the first couple of pages are necessary if you're going to kill off the characters. I'm not sure if it adds anything to the story.

I don't think you have to show the monster at first. Let the reader use their imagination and when the reveal happens they should still be interested.

I think it's good you discussed that the monster was vicious but intelligent in a sadistic sense.

I just want to reiterate that I'm a casual reader but I try to provide some constructive feedback. I think you should keep fleshing out the story.
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