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View Full Version : CHOKE CHAIN..an action short story


Frankmillerfan
11-27-2013, 11:41 PM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kmYW79SwieA/Upac2vobvYI/AAAAAAAAE2E/1hz0-6gPo1Q/s1600/chokechain-001.JPG

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EbirqKwHvZc/UpmOHu1W3CI/AAAAAAAAE5k/UDiywvQFkQo/s1600/chokechain-002.JPG

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n7S_90oVSUc/UphOjA7CvbI/AAAAAAAAE3E/jZ_Lyz0CPrw/s1600/chokechain-003.JPG

"Every so often you'll run into someone you shouldn't have fucked with. That's me.". (http://mczmadcomix.blogspot.com/2013/11/choke-chain.html)

Frankmillerfan
11-30-2013, 05:34 PM
looking for feedback and constructive critique..

Max Romaine
11-30-2013, 06:29 PM
The biggest problem I have with this is the basic concept itself: Ex-military badass seeks revenge...etc., etc. This it the basic plot of 80% of all action movies ever made, and the idea's been pretty much done to death in the comic world as well. I think for something like this to be appealing it would need one hell of a unique and interesting twist. I suggest writing something more original.

Also, there's really no need for the flashback approach right after the first page. There's no reason why we couldn't just experience finding out what happened and Sanura's reaction to it at the same time the main character does. Starting with her already on the way to kick ass on page one and then flashing back on page two to explain why to the reader serves no creative or practical purpose that I can see. For a flashback to serve a purpose, something must happen before the flashback to justify it and give it context.

Frankmillerfan
11-30-2013, 08:24 PM
The biggest problem I have with this is the basic concept itself: Ex-military badass seeks revenge...etc., etc. This it the basic plot of 80% of all action movies ever made, and the idea's been pretty much done to death in the comic world as well. I think for something like this to be appealing it would need one hell of a unique and interesting twist. I suggest writing something more original.

Also, there's really no need for the flashback approach right after the first page. There's no reason why we couldn't just experience finding out what happened and Sanura's reaction to it at the same time the main character does. Starting with her already on the way to kick ass on page one and then flashing back on page two to explain why to the reader serves no creative or practical purpose that I can see. For a flashback to serve a purpose, something must happen before the flashback to justify it and give it context.

i see what you mean..on page one her inner monologue pretty much describes what the deal is then page two illustrates it.. if page one was less descriptive then page two would have more of a purpose and context.
thanx for the critique..

anymore observations?

Frankmillerfan
12-09-2013, 03:51 PM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tATW6bdVX8k/UqYd-PDmAJI/AAAAAAAAE6o/gLnODMIsSp8/s1600/chokechain-001.JPG

revised page one with less verbosity.