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Steven Forbes 11-22-2013 01:14 PM

TPG Week 152: Various Mistakes
Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Doug Wood. We also have Steve Colle returning to us in blue, I'm in red, and let's see if Doug is able to go through

Hell's Gate

Page 1 (4 Panels)

Panel 1 Int. seedy motel room. In this first panel show Rebecca in lingerie. She should be shown adjusting her push up bra in front of a sink mirror. She is standing in front of a sink, but she is not in the bathroom, itís that kind of motel. The bathroom door, which is closed, should be to her right and should have the light on. (What my understanding here is that youíre concentrating your camera on the bathroom area of the room. Is that accurate? This isnít bad, but you should have an establishing shot on the page. Will the next panel fit that bill?)

Motel room reference:

The link, when I looked at it, didnít show any interior shots of the ďseedyĒ kind of room. As a matter of fact, there were some good reviews on the Comstock Motel. I guess my question would be: Do you really need to have a visual reference to show a low-grade motel room? If the artist canít imagine one, then allow them to look up reference photos themselves.

Lingerie reference:

This link didnít work when I tried it, just taking me to a page that read it as an error. Again, do you need to provide this reference?

Caption Damn it, I hate push up bras. I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into the man who invented them. (Look at your script format here, Doug. Youíve got your caption and the text associated with it on the same line. Then look at how you have the rest of your dialogue formatted below. Keep it consistent. I personally have no preference as an editor, so go with what feels more natural for you. And by the way, I really like this line of dialogue. It gives a good sense of character.)

Click here to read more.

Doug Wood 11-22-2013 03:20 PM

Thank you both for taking time out your busy lives to look over my work. I know you both do this for free and with the occasional angry party, I just wanted to express my appreciation for the help you three provide.

I also would like to state, that I sent you the wrong version of my script. I fixed many of those awkward dialog issue (I think) before hand, but bless my addled brain I send you the wrong version of my script. Oh well what can you do. Thank you again for the help. I definitely take all the lessons and use them to better myself.

Doug Wood 11-22-2013 03:24 PM

Oh I forgot to say that the frustrating part of sending the wrong script was the fact that I know how to do page breaks and edit hyperlinks so they don't look ugly. So sorry that it looks like that.

Steven Forbes 11-22-2013 09:22 PM

No problem, Doug.

If you want to resubmit, feel free. This is why we're here, and we're happy to help.

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