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Old 01-08-2015, 08:05 AM   #34
Alyssa
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Location: Aussieland
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Woohoo! So many entries! And Steven's in, too! I got some catching up to do, tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's my entry. Linking to the PDF, because I'm too tired to try to format this sucker in a post right now. I'll paste the script here in the forum tomorrow if I get the chance!

STRING CHEESE short story

Enjoy that puppy in all its raw goodness- I didn't get a chance to edit it today like I was hoping.

I think I've "underthunk" this TOO much, Steven. General thought was just to focus on this one moment, where the girl is stressing about seeing her crush, only to find he has feelings for her too.
Plus some sci-fi stuff, because, you know, A.I. requirement.
Is this even enough to be considered a short story? The only reason I filled the page count was because I was having some fun with the goofy dialogue.

G'night, peoples! Grats on all those entries!


Edited to add script to post:

Quote:
ENVIRONMENTS

SCI-FI SLUM
The slum, as we see it in this story, consists of a dead-end alley, offering access to numerous slum homes. The alley slopes slightly downwards towards Priss's house, which is at the end of the alley. The multi-story buildings are cobbled together with scrap materials, and rusted satellite dishes cover the roofs. Cables thick and thin run along the dirt street and between the houses like spider webs and across the walls- an obvious fire hazard.

PRISS'S HOUSE
In stark contrast to the other houses, which are plain, Priss's house (two-storey and narrow, like many of the other houses) is painted crudely in a variety of girly colours. The paint is peeling and flaking off. Marigolds potted in found containers randomly dot the roof of the porch, perhaps serving the secondary purpose of keeping the porch roof weighed down. Nasturtiums sprawl across the front stoop, presumably rooted directly in the dirt street. A wind chime made from old cans (labels removed) hangs by the front door, which is merely an opening in the wall.

Inside, the top floor is first and foremost a bedroom. There is a pallet on the floor with old rags piled on it for bedding. There is a bulky, rusting docking station for the robot DiDi. Besides these main items, there's just miscellaneous clutter of a young girl who likes to collect random discarded items.

There are sloppily-built stairs (made from found timbers and building materials) on the left-hand side of the room, leading downstairs to the main living area.

Downstairs, the room has a packed dirt floor. Thin blankets on the floor mark the kitchen/dining area and the living room. The kitchen/dining is between the base of the stairs and the front door, consisting of a small bar-fridge, a portable gas hotplate (and gas cylinder), a small stack of pots/dishes/utensils, and an upturned milk crate next to an upturned metal drum (which serve as dining table and chair). There's a single marigold flower sitting in a glass of dirty water on the "table".

The living room is just more clutter, but with a few stacks of books, apparently Priss's entertainment.


CHARACTERS

EDMÉ
A boy of about 16 years of age. Skinny, Indian ethnicity. His hair is a mess of dark curls, and he wears a shirt and shorts that look like they've got a lot of wear. He wears sandals on his feet that are thin and worn.

PRISS
A girl about 15 years old. She's skinny and lanky- slightly taller than EDMÉ. Her face is covered in freckles, her skin tanned from time in the sun. Her hair is matted and bleached. She wears a pair of boy cargo pants that are slightly too big for her and a t-shirt that's been cut off above the belly button. She wears zip-ties, big rubber bands, and a piece of colourful fabric around her wrist as bangles. She doesn't have any shoes.

DIDI
A rusty humanoid robot. She's the height of an average adult, and not intimidating in appearance (rounded edges, etc). References for design here and here.
PAGE ONE (6 panels)

PANEL #1
It’s late morning, what light makes it down into the narrow street is warm. We’re looking at EDMÉ more or less front-on, who is happily peddling a rusted bicycle on nothing but bent rims, whistling a tune. He's carrying a small, patched duffle-bag over his shoulder, bursting with mail (the word “mail” is written on the side of the bag in big letters made of masking tape). We can see some of the SCI-FI SLUM stretching out behind him.

EDMÉ
♪♫

PANEL #2
Edmé is breaking in from the left of the panel, riding down the alley towards a brightly painted PRISS'S HOUSE at the end of the road (main focal point, towards the right of the panel). PRISS'S form can be seen in the single second-storey window.

EDMÉ


PANEL #3
We're closer to Priss's second-storey window, so we have a clear view of her. She is looking down towards Edmé, who is almost completely out-of-frame (he hasn’t yet peddled close enough yet to be properly in-frame), with a look of mild horror.

PRISS
Hang and quarter! Edmé's comin'!

PANEL #4
We're inside Priss's house now, looking towards Priss standing at the window. Priss has her hand on the window sill (merely a repurposed piece of wood), but is turned to look towards us, still distressed. If the shot allows, perhaps we can see Edmé down on the street, riding closer (unaware of Priss up in the window).

PRISS
What'll I do, DiDi?

PANEL #5
Bird’s-eye view, so we can see more of the room. DIDI is standing in the middle of the room, facing Priss, though as a robot she lacks gesture or emotion. Priss, on the other hand, looks at DiDi quizzically with her brows furrowed, head tilted to the side.

DIDI
Why, I expect you would take any written correspondence he is coming to deliver, milady.

PANEL #6
Priss has stepped closer to DiDi, exasperated, with her arms thrown up in the air. DiDi, as always, stands robotically indifferent.

PRISS
Bugger my dugs, DiDi!

PRISS
I don't care for his bloody mail!



PAGE TWO (6 panels)

PANEL #1
Goofy panel; the background of this panel has been replaced with love hearts. Close on Priss. She has a dreamy expression on her face, hands held to her heart.

PRISS
You see, he don't know it yet, but me and Edmé are in love.

PANEL #2
DiDi leans forward from the side of the panel, apparently assessing Priss's dreamy moment. Priss is still in her pose from the previous panel, but her expression has fallen flat as she looks at DiDi.

DIDI
Milady, I must remind you that I lack the computational requirements to properly understand and advise on emotional--

(Note to letterer: perhaps have the following speech bubble encroach into this panel and into DiDi's balloon, giving a stronger visual of Priss's interruption?)

PANEL #3
Priss is holding up her hand, stopping DiDi from continuing.

PRISS
Don't matter none, DiDi. I just gotta give Edmé something that shows him how much I care.

PANEL #4
Priss is crudely gesturing down at her crotch. DiDi is looking down at Priss’s hands indifferently.

PRISS
What do boys like more than a girl's muff?

PANEL #5
DiDi and Priss in profile, silently looking at each other.

NO COPY

PANEL #6
Repeat of panel #5, but Priss has a quizzical look on her face.

DIDI
String cheese.

PRISS
String cheese?

DIDI
Indeed, milady.


PAGE THREE (6 panels)

PANEL #1
Priss has rushed past DiDi, careening at the top of the rickety stairs leading down to the ground level of the house.

PRISS
String cheese it is!

PANEL #2
Priss at the bottom of the stairs, where there's a small, rusted bar fridge. She’s crouched in front of the fridge, about to open it. DiDi is walking down the stairs, still near the top.

PRISS
Thanks, DiDi! Better than a roast pig on Wintersday, you are.

DIDI
You are most welcome, milady. I am here for your tutelage and enlightenment.

PANEL #3
Close up of the fridge interior, looking pretty bare but for a couple inexpensive food items. Priss's hand has reached into the fridge, about to pick up a lone stick of string cheese (it's wrapped in its own plastic wrapper).

PRISS
Yes!

PANEL #4
Priss is crouched in front of the open bar fridge, turned to face DiDi, but she's looking at the stick of string cheese in her hand.

PRISS
Kiss a saint, I've one left.

PANEL #5
Close on Priss, she’s holding the stick of cheese up to her face, nose scrunched up. The wrapper looks kind of old, and the cheese itself has some slightly discoloured blotches on it.

PRISS
I hope it ain't too ripe.

PANEL #6
We're looking past Edmé, who is standing in the (doorless) doorway, still holding his mail bag over his shoulder (if it's visible in this shot, his bicycle is laying in the dirt behind him a short ways). He's peering into the house at Priss and DiDi. Priss is in the process of standing from her crouch, cheese in hand, looking towards the door in surprise. DiDi stands behind her.

EDMÉ
What’s too ripe?


PAGE FOUR (7 panels)

PANEL #1
Mid-shot of Edmé. He bashfully holds his hand behind his head, suddenly awkward.

EDMÉ
I mean, if you gots fruit goin' bad an' all, I know Miss Mable has some right nice strawberries growin' on her front porch.

EDMÉ
I could go pick some for you, or...

PANEL #2
Profile shot of Priss and Edmé (perhaps a cutaway where the wall would be, as they stand on either side of the open door?). Priss is standing there, with a goofily happy expression. Edmé is looking really shy.

EDMÉ
... somethin'...

PANEL #3
Repeat of previous panel.

PRISS
Hey, Edme!

EDMÉ
Hiya, Priss.

PANEL #4
Repeat of previous panel, but this time, Priss is holding the stick of string cheese straight out in front of her, eagerly offering it to Edmé. Edmé has his hand raised, poised to accept it. He wears a mildly concerned smile.

PRISS
String cheese?

EDMÉ
Uh, gee. Thanks, Priss.

PANEL #5
Edmé has a hand dipped into the side pocket of his mail bag, the other hand holding the string cheese.

EDMÉ
I, uh...

PANEL #6
Motion-lines to indicate Edmé thrusting a small, folded piece of paper into Priss's open hands. Priss is mildly surprised, Edmé more nervous than ever.

EDMÉ
... I gots a letter for you!

PANEL #7
We're outside, pulled away from the front porch a little. Edmé has rushed back to his bicycle, and is in the process of pulling it up off the ground to ride, cheese tucked between his hand and the handlebar. Priss holds her letter in one hand while waving to Edmé with the other. She has a confused but still somewhat happy expression on her face.

EDMÉ
Uh, I gotta go! See you later, Priss!

PRISS
Oh, uh, bye!

PRISS (murmur)
What in the...


PAGE FIVE (5 panels)

PANEL #1
We're looking over Priss's shoulder, as Edmé rides away without looking back. Priss's shoulders are slumped.

DIDI (O.P. Coming from behind Priss)
Master Edmé is in a hurry today, I see. Late for his mail run, perhaps?

PRISS
Damned to hell if I know.

PANEL #2
Priss is looking down at the letter, which she has opened and is reading. DiDi stands behind her, peering over her shoulder at the letter.

NO COPY
PANEL #3
Close-up of the letter (we can see Priss's thumb holding the edge of the old piece of paper).

LETTER TEXT (child-like, messy handwriting)
Dear Priss.
Your nice.
I think I Luv you Lots.
~Edmé
PANEL #4
Repeat of Panel #2, though Priss's face is now lit up with joy. She has a huge grin on her face.

NO COPY

PANEL #5
Repeat of Panel #4.

DIDI
I see that he liked the string cheese, milady.
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Last edited by Alyssa; 01-08-2015 at 07:51 PM.
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