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Old 01-31-2015, 10:34 AM   #11
Kiyoko, Rin
Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southampton, UK
Posts: 150
Kiyoko, Rin is on a distinguished road

Panel 1: The view goes to where the creepy voice has come from, a spindly wiry man sits on the floor leaning his back against the wall, head looking up at the ceiling. He wears a white polo shirt tucked into dorky green trousers. He looks like a cliché creepy IT guy, complete with comb over and pens in his shirt pocket. His glasses are wire rimmed, as though he hasn’t replaced his glasses in twenty five years. A window above the creepy man lets moon light cast an eerie glow on the man sitting on the floor. We can see a full bright moon through leafless branches eerily stretched across the moons full pale face. (Let’s see… Let’s see… Let’s get a two-fer! Rin (because you knew it was comin’!) and Josh! Please rewrite this panel description. We’ve got 114 words here. Please keep it under 50.)
It’s not often Comixioner Gordon activates the Forbes Flare to summon the full roster of the Forbes Force to patrol Comix City. Holy prose-bloaty! An overblown panel description! Let me hop in the F-mobile (a Forbes Capri) to fix this fulsome fusillade of framing!

Panel 1: Creepy Man (a spindly, archetypal nerd with a comb over, wearing outdated wire rimmed glasses, a white polo shirt, dorky green trousers) slumps against the wall, looking at the ceiling. The full moon is shining past bare branches and through the window to illuminate him. Make the panel eerie . (49 words.)

(1. Not sure if “window above” meant “directly above” i.e. a skylight, which would make sense as that's where he's looking, or “adjacent-and-on-a-higher-elevation-than-his-head”, which would make sense re: tree branches being outside the hospital rather than looming above it. Plumped for the latter. 2. As I’ve never seen a polo shirt with a pocket - because, c’mon, who wants to ride around ON HORSEBACK, PLAYING POLO with stuff in their pocket that could impale them if they fell? – I ignored the note about pens. 3. According to Bette Midler, the script for Titanic could be summed up in two words:


There, Mr. Forbes. I’ve just saved you three hours of movie watching time.)
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