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Old 05-17-2016, 01:53 AM   #8
gmartyt
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Those captions, man. They're not necessarily bad, but the fact that they're there means that everything that happens in the first three pages has already happened. Being told/shown what has already happened isn't very interesting. Put the reader in the moment.

Based on the link you provided, your story seems to be missing two important things: the fact that the man lost everything and the fact that the Lady of the Lake seemed to do everything. I get the analogy of people as cattle, but, as Steven mentioned, he still has all the money he already earned. As for the other part, it seems like one of the main points is that the man didn't earn his wealth by himself, while in your version he did (or at least seemed to), which completely changes the meaning of the story.
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