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Old 07-25-2014, 08:17 PM   #2
LukePierce
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 108
LukePierce is a jewel in the roughLukePierce is a jewel in the roughLukePierce is a jewel in the rough

First off, many thanks to Steven and Sam for having a look at this. It definitely shows that not writing a comic book script for almost a decade is not the best of things to do and people definitely need to be writing at least once a week as a bare minimum.

Also, as advice, if you are planning on doing this for a living, but you need to get a job that supports you in the beginning, put serious consideration into what'll help you most with that. I was in the position of needing to get any kind of job and it shows.

I did genuinely email and apologise too, as well as attaching the horror that caused my writing style to stagnate. If people are really interested, I've discovered that it's freely available on the internet and it's called the JSP 101: Defence Writing Guide. It's not a guide, it's a "You must do this", good for writing letters, not much good for anything else. It's also authored by the Royal Air Force, an organisation widely despised by my own.

This script, to be honest and on reflection, is terrible. I began having misgivings almost immediately, which is never a good sign. However, I did need to know how far I had sunk before I can pull myself out of the mire. If my old editor does happen to read this, I have to sincerely apologise to her and then work myself back up.

So, to clarify a few points:

Research facilities are trying to look quite non-descript in the UK, mostly because some idiots think that every facility is carrying out animal testing and secondly, if there is anything too identifying, companies are now very quick to sue. It's mostly about protecting the backside from getting a proverbial pineappling.
It should have a description though. Even a sign.

Is Metropolis that obscure now? Hammer Horror is probably better fit now though or even Rocky Horror.

As far as mad scientists go, I shouldn't think that everyone has seen Robot Chicken and there is some influence from Attack of the Killer Tomatos. Dr Gangrene was my hero with his cackling laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_PrRd-Y56c

One of the things I "suffered" very early on, was being told that my panel descriptions used to be very wordy and I pared down to the point of where I am generally quite loose in how I write. I like to bounce ideas and I did begin the script with a note to the artist, there were also a couple of annexes as well. However, be that as it may, as a submission, this is way too loose. (To be honest, I may end up drawing it, I have a tendency to have something this loose when the intention is loitering at the back of my mind)

This also suffers from Anime staples which aren't immediately obvious and may not be well known. Anita is suffering from unrequited love (Alfonso), whereas Alfonso loves something else. Also, carrying a cup of coffee and telling him to drink is a sign of "love" and signifies real importance. Alledgedly.
Playing around dangerously with no real consequences is another.

Page 1, Panel 4 needs some explaining though.

What was meant is that as Anita opens the door, she's opening it with her right hand as the door swings into the room. She's able to be seen slightly cowering behind the door (as if seeing the Principal at school) and we'll be able to see her sense of style as well.

Swearing aside, that actually is the panel description in a nutshell, but in much better England.

(Also, I do need to be careful with my sense of humour, it's been skewed a lot and what I may now find funny, might not be for others, which I'm sure Steven can appreciate.)

I do use a lot of British terms and there's a few too many in-jokes in use here, which really harms the story. The best example is the "Argh". In classic British comic books, if a heroic character had to be injured or, God forbid, actually die, then they had to emit a "manly" cry. If an enemy died, then they would emit a "cowardly" cry of "Aiee!". If you need context, basically it was British killing Germans during WWII. Because apparently all the Germans were utter bastards and reinforced stereotypes for generations. It also gave rise to wonderful expressions like "Sausage-eating huns" and "Donner und blitzen".

I think the low panel count harms it too, so it needed a few extra panels inserted to break the action better and to make it more logical.

The British have too many terms which can used to cover a whole range of things and completely understate the situation. Upset can be used to describe someone on the warpath and smashing down the building, to someone who's just been told that they've just lost ten dollars.

On the other hand though, Koalas carry the Hepatitis virus, so I'll improve to save you catching a very nasty disease. I don't know why I know this, I just do.

However, seriously, I can't thank you both enough for having a look, I didn't realise how bad things have been allowed to slip and I'll likely get a rewrite completed once I've figured out the motivation and setting a bit more.
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