Thread: Nahga 2237 A.D
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Old 08-02-2017, 05:25 AM   #8
Kiyoko, Rin
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southampton, UK
Posts: 150
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You raise a good point about critiquing as a narrative rather than as a format. I'll remember that for future critiques.

It's kinda hard to appreciate your story as the reader would because you prefaced it with an introduction (working on your selling document, no?) and I've read your explanations in the forum, so I'm privy to more context and exposition than your reader will have. Even so, your story:

- Sets up the right tone, though I feel you could push the guard encounter more towards comedy.
- Answers the questions of WWWWWH, so well done.
- Conveys enough skill, confidence and control in its telling that I'd want to continue reading more.
- Implies Nahga's character, although I'd like him to have a little bit more of a reaction to seeing lions if they're that big of a deal (or if he hasn't seen them before).

Really, my only major worry is your use of space. At 8 pages your story takes up over a third of a regular comic book to do its job, using splash pages and large panels in the process. I'm old enough to have lived through the 90s where 24 page books often only had 14-16 pages of story in them (thank you, Liefeld) and I'd feel ripped off, having spent my money on, basically, not very much. If you deliberately planned your story to end at 8 pages (e.g. for competition / submission rules) then I think it could be seen as a little thin. You could up the conflict, complication and / or stakes; you have the space. I like your world so I'd like to read more about it.

Panels within a panel are called insets.

Man, I miss prime Jackie Chan.

I said ellipsis (...), more on this at http://www.comixtribe.com/2013/04/23...ettering-pt-2/ because it felt more appropriate than a dash in these panels. Nahga seemed to be...

continuing his sentence in the next balloon rather than abruptly interrupting himself.

But, hey, it's just my two cents.
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