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Old 04-13-2015, 06:41 PM   #3
Kiyoko, Rin
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southampton, UK
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Quote:
LEYTA:

We don’t know who all will be up there, but I have a feeling it’ll be more than just Greco’s boys.
This is a good line to build tension. When you're doing your re-write, I'd move this line up from page 5. Consider putting it before a page turn with the next panel the reveal.

I'd also reconsider some of the dialogue. I don't know where or when it's set (by which I mean if it's on Earth in a specific era), but because of the words "lardass" and phrases like "full disclosure" this feels very contemporary.
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