Thread: Nahga 2237 A.D
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Old 07-23-2017, 03:42 PM   #4
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First off, welcome to the forum. It's good to see new people here.

I'd recommend going to the comixtribe website and reading their Bolts&Nuts articles. It's full of useful information. You can also check out some of their Proving Grounds entries to see some of the common mistakes that other people make.

I'd recommend starting with Nahga breaking into the museum/zoo instead of with him making his escape. What you've got here would be the same as Raiders of the Lost Ark starting with Harrison Ford running away from the boulder.

You mention something about Nahga's appearance in the notes, but continue to add more throughout the script. Put all of it in the notes. Odds are your artist is going to work on Nahga's appearance before s/he starts working on the script.

Panel 1:

Middle of page; half-page size.
This is the only panel on the page. Is the rest of the page empty space? That feels like a waste.

2/3rds of page, splash. We see that we are now inside the animal enclosures part of the building, and Nahga is falling BACKWARDS, holding his sword in his right hand and a pistol in his left. Even as he is falling, he's shooting at a couple of guys with assault rifles that are standing at the railing (they are the foreground) who are pulling back to avoid his fire. Oh, and of course, Nahga is falling into a pen of LIONS, two male and six female, who are looking up at their new snack which is falling out of the sky.
What's the camera angle? I assume we're on top of the catwalk. (I'm only guessing that it's a catwalk. You never actually mention what the guards are standing on, just that there's a railing.) What's the main focus of this panel? In other words, what do you want the reader to take away from it? Is it more important that they see Nahga shooting at the guards or that he's falling into the lion's den? If both are important, split them up into separate panels. Also, did Nahga fall or did he jump? If he fell, I doubt he'd be able to shoot.

Tight close on the pistol in Nahga's left hand. He's firing two shots up into the air. The shells can be seen flying out.
The smaller the panel, the less time that panel takes up. I'm not sure you have enough time for two shots. Also, unless you're going for a Matrix kinda feel, showing the bullets is probably a bad idea.

Most of the dialogue involves Nahga simply descibing what is going on and, therefore, doesn't add anything.

You've a guy hitting the ground hard, guns being fired, and lions roaring, yet none of them make a sound. Sound effects are your friend. Use them.

Hope this helps.
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