Thread: Nahga 2237 A.D
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Old 07-29-2017, 09:08 AM   #6
Kiyoko, Rin
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southampton, UK
Posts: 150
Kiyoko, Rin is on a distinguished road

To paraphrase Mary Jane Watson Parker: Hello, (SS) Tiger, and welcome to the forum.

I liked your story – the action was clear, the world building and sense of character was well done and the story was, for the most part, well paced (more on this later).

Here are my two cents...

Panel 1 – What time of day is it? (Because you can have silhouettes both on moonlit nights and in blazing sunshine)? What's the camera angle? - At present, I'm imagining a side-on view which, because you're asking for this single panel to be dead centre, means there'll be a lot of dead, white space above and below the panel which will make his fall appear even larger (more on this later). Related to this: what's your scale and how close are we to Nahga? Is Nahga's silhouette a tiny speck in a large panel, or are we reasonably close – it will affect how readers perceive the distance of the fall. And finally: what's his body language? You mentioned Trinity running from the agents, so when she's diving through that tiny window notice how perfectly braced her body is. You say Nahga fell rather than jumped so maybe make his body language slightly panicked, or give him wide, surprised eyes. I got the sense of the comic tone you wanted from the lion kick; Nahga's reaction might be another chance to show the comic tone (if it suits his character, obv).

Page 2, Panel 1 – Like gmartyt, I wasn't sure of the camera angle, and since you clarified that we're behind the guards then the panel description should be amended: we're not inside the animal enclosure we're ABOVE it, looking down (right?). And now that you've clarified the camera angle, I'd recommend re-ordering the way you structure information so that it reveals from left to right, or foreground to background, or even background to foreground. Whichever, just be consistent, and be aware that as it's currently written you describe the middle ground, foreground, background, which is just inefficient and confusing. Also, my question about scale still stands: how far has Nahga fallen, how much distance is between Nahga and the guards, and Nahga and the lions? - Your artist NEEDS this information in order to work out their relative sizes.

Page 2, Panel 2 – again: scale and distance. If Nahga has fallen hundreds of feet then it suggests he has superhuman durability (or body armour). Also, body language: he's winded, right? I'm with gmartyt on this: I'd prefer to see SFX. Since you specified gender differences, it's the male lions roaring, right? Your artist will need to know whether to draw manes.

Page 3 Panel 1 – I'd recommend mentioning body language – lioness' aggression, Nahga's wariness etc.

Page 4 Panel 1 – I'd DEFINITELY put a SFX here, otherwise why would the lions be scared if there's no loud “BANG!”?. Also, because you've set this in the future then you need to clarify the technology – do ordinance weapons STILL need gunpowder reactions to work? Has future technology improved weapons' silencing capabilities? Is this a special stealth gun useful for burglaries that won't make a sound when firing? I'd also recommend conflating this panel into the next to make one single panel because my issue is the amount of time you've left in the gutter between panels one and two. A bullet travels at, what, a thousand miles an hour? To isolate the moment a gun fires in one panel and then have the reaction shot in a separate panel implies, to me, that too much time has passed for such an instantaneous thing. P.S. – to my mind, shotguns have shells; handguns eject casings / jackets / brass etc, but hey, future technology.

Page 4 Panel 3 – Liked this bit of dialogue – it informs about the world and gives us the main character's name. If speech ends on an interruption then it should end in a double dash (--).

Page 4 Panel 4 - “Nahga, having holstered the gun in FROM his left hand, is scaling up the wall like Jackie Chan...” I replaced your “in” with “FROM” because holstering a gun IN your hand could be interpreted as saying you're holding it. And the Jackie Chan reference threw me – the first example that came to mind was in Police Story (4? 5?) where Jackie scaled a wall by putting his back flat against the wall, his outstretched feet flat against a nearby palm tree and then walking down step by step. As I'm assuming this isn't what you meant I'd recommend sticking to just “Nahga is scaling the wall.”

Page 5 Panel 1 – there might be an issue of staging with this. The guards have been looking at Nahga for the last few panels and their rifles weren't trained on him?

Page 5 Panel 3 – Drawing a sword + slicing a throat = moving panel. But it's an easy rewrite to say Nahga has sliced the guard's throat with his drawn sword.

Page 5 Panel 4 – Writhing = moving panel, though it's an easy rewrite if you use motion lines.

Pages 6 and 7 Panel 1 – Two pages for the zoo gives it a nice sense of scale but it also makes it harder for your artist to make the rope the focus for your character to run towards because there's a chance it'll be a detail that's lost, especially as you've specified that the rope should be thin. (Yeah, I know this is the artist's problem and not the writers, just thought you should be aware.) To help them, I'd recommend adding another panel where Nahga runs towards the rope, giving it more prominence.

Pages 6 and 7 Panel 4 – Saying it's a talisman doesn't tell me anything about what it looks like. I'd also recommend you say in the panel description (as you have in the copy) that it's tiny because, again, scale.

Pages 6 and 7 Panel 5 – I'd recommend ending the copy on this page (and starting the copy on the next) with an ellipsis, not a dash.

Page 8 – Time of day? (Because, who knows, maybe Nahga spent 12 hours running through that massive zoo, lol.)

Overall, good job, Tiger.
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