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Old 04-04-2015, 07:08 AM   #3
Kiyoko, Rin
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Southampton, UK
Posts: 150
Kiyoko, Rin is on a distinguished road

- I really liked this story up until the middle of the second page. That's when I felt that, if Wise can stop time and hold a 170 word monologue (yep. I counted.) whilst doing so, why doesn't he use that power to help his gaming and, at the very least, crack the top eight? Surely being able to see the next dealt card would be a huge advantage in planning your strategy?

If he refrains from using his time-stopping abilities for a moral reason / in the spirit of fair play, then he doesn't deserve to be punched.

They are shaking hands. Both are smiling. The table has a table number on one edge. The table number is 6. Cards have been laid out in front of each player as well as their decks.
- Mr. Hayes' point in last week's TPG about, "Lots. Of. Short. Sentences. Make. For. A. Boring. Read," holds true here. Not because it was boring, but a compound sentence or two could have streamlined the narrative, and made it much more efficient.

- If the cards are going to be drawn large enough to be seen, I'd recommend using a club motif - billy clubs, war clubs, truncheons, batons, or plain old clubs from the hearts/diamonds/spades family. Why? Because, in a story where someone's about to be hit, there are lots of visual puns to be made from punching / clubbing, HANDS of cards, DECK of cards, having a SHOT at reaching the final... you could even work in the phrase "FISTful of dollars" or that Charlotte should "take it on the chin." Hell, you could even have them drinking punch. (Schuyler, stop rolling your eyes.)
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