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Old 04-07-2015, 08:07 AM   #6
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Allentown, Pennsylvania
Posts: 225
DarkHalf05 has a spectacular aura aboutDarkHalf05 has a spectacular aura about

Hey, Amit,

This seems like it can be a fun story with a little more work. I'm looking forward to that rewrite.

Now, this is just my personal opinion and there isn't anything wrong with the script, but I found it a little disorienting to read. When I was a kid, I used to love the Choose Your Own Adventure books. Have you ever read them? If not, you would read a few pages and be given a choice, and have to turn to another part of the book to continue the story.

To me, this script sorta reads like that. Perhaps more on the lines of reading page 300 of a novel, and a line reads "Punchy enters the same room from page 102..." To get the full effect of the panel description, one has to constantly be jumping all over the script. Some panel descriptions reference the previous panel, which references yet another panel (Inception!).

While there is nothing at all wrong with this, you rely on it so much that I can't easily get a visual of the scene. In this instance, the characters aren't moving around a whole lot so it wasn't horrible, but, like I said, it was a bit disorienting.

For example, you have Punchy placed on page 1, panel 1. Every panel after you reference this panel. I think it would be easier to say in panel 1 Punchy will be in this shot in every panel for the remainder of the page and describe where Wise is in relation to him after.

Just some food for thought. Like I said, it's not wrong. But it could read a bit easier in my opinion.

Good luck on your next submission!
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