TPG Week 143: Preserve The Mystery

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome one and all to The Proving Grounds! This week, we've got Brave One Frank Martin, who hails from somewhere on the east coast (New York, I believe, but I could be mistaken). This week, we've got Samantha LeBas looking regal in purple, I'm always stunning in red, and let's see what Frank does with



Quantum



PAGE ONE (FIVE PANELS)



Panel 1. Black, military-like boots walking through high, jungle grass. (I've got problems already. I don't know what the camera angle is, although I could take a guess. However, I hate guessing, and is it necessary? Not really. There's room for artistic leeway there. The main problem I have are the lack of a time of day.)



JOSH (Off panel in front of the boots)

I’ll leave. I’ll go home.



Panel 2. A close-up of a black glove holding up a handgun with the jungle trees behind it.



JOSH (Off panel in front of the hand)

I won’t come back. I promise.



Panel 3. Josh, an eighteen-year-old boy with brown hair dressed in a white, red and gold ripped and tattered superhero costume(This could go in a character doc, if you don’t have a a document with a more in depth description, you need to flesh this out somewhere. Again this is not the place for a long description of Josh, but it’s a fairly minimal amount of information. He could look like anything here.), lies bloody and beaten in the high, jungle grass. Blood drips from his noise and shoulder, and his left eye is swollen.

Click here to read more.

[scrappy]

Thanks, guys. That was great and a big help. I'm already planning my changes.

A couple follow up questions:

I knew the lack of an establishing shot was a problem, but I wanted the first panel of the scene to be Josh's face. That way the reader goes right from Josh being killed to seeing him in class. Would adding an establishing shot first lose that element or could an "establishing" shot go several panels in.

My next question was regarding the same transition. Sam made the assumption that the next scene was in the past because Josh is now alive. I don't know if that works for me or against me. Should I address that transition or just leave it alone and let the reader figure it out?

And now questions for Steven:

You said: "However, in the cutting of the scene and replacing it with something else, you get the opportunity to build another mystery about what’s going on."

I'm going to ask you to explain this a bit. When you say "scene" did you mean the previous scene (the classroom) or the current scene (the street).

Now the second question: You said you would go for a rewrite instead of salvaging the script. Not regarding this script but just in general, what would you consider the difference between salvaging and rewrite?

Thanks again!

[Steven Forbes]

Originally Posted by scrappy

And now questions for Steven:

You said: "However, in the cutting of the scene and replacing it with something else, you get the opportunity to build another mystery about what’s going on."

I'm going to ask you to explain this a bit. When you say "scene" did you mean the previous scene (the classroom) or the current scene (the street).

Sorry for not being clear, Frank.

I meant the classroom scene.

Originally Posted by scrappy

Now the second question: You said you would go for a rewrite instead of salvaging the script. Not regarding this script but just in general, what would you consider the difference between salvaging and rewrite?

Salvaging would basically be editing the script up. Rewriting would be starting over with a new document.

I suggest starting with a new document. My reasoning is thus: if you try to rearrange what you already have, you become locked into that frame of mind. It's hard to see past it. However, if you're working in a fresh document, you don't have to worry as much about being locked in. You're not seeing what you wrote before and looking to change it. It's ultimately easier starting clean when you do a rewrite.

Oh, and about the establishing shot, don't fall into the trap of thinking it has to be the first image on the page. It doesn't. You could have done the establishing shot in panel 4, as I said. This way, you still get the transition you want, setting up the mystery, and then establish where we are just a bit later.

If you watch tv shows that have recurring locations, you'll see a lot of this: they establish the outside first, and then they establish the inside. When they shift locations, you'll see this. Look for it. Once you see it, you won't be able to un-see it.

Did that answer your questions for me?