Go Back   Digital Webbing Forums > Hosted Forums > ComixTribe > The Proving Grounds

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-04-2013, 05:19 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
Freelance Editor
Steven Forbes's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: In the moment
Posts: 3,888
Steven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud of

TPG Week 145: Too Much Stuff In The Bag

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in Jourdan MacLain. We also have Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in red, and we see if Jourdan can make us all feel




[ALL CHARACTERS ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF MONTE MILLER. ALL CHARACTER AND EVIRONMENT DESCRIPTIONS ARE IN A SEPARATE DOCUMENT] (Ah, the ownership disclaimer. Know what? No one cares. No one is out to steal your characters because they're too busy creating their own, and even if they were to steal the characters, do you think this would really stop them? You going to take them to court? I know a guy who says he's going to sue Disney because he says he created names they used in The Lion King, forcing him to change names of his own characters. It's been almost 20 years and no lawsuit. Ownership has to be proven. This first sentence is garbage and semi-offensive to me. The second sentence...I'm just happy that there's a document with the information in it.)

PAGE 1 (10 PANELS) (Whoa. That's a lot of panels on 1 page. Let's see if they're put to good use.)

PANEL 1: A daytime aerial shot of the wastelands as Diana and Olivia, with her sun hat, backpack, and belt pouch on, (Olivia has on outdoor gear, but Diana does not, right?) run side-by-side chasing Holland who is ahead of them running with his oversize axe in his hand.(Disclaimer: ComixTribe does not endorse running with with scissors or oversized axes)

CAPTION DIANA: WELCOME TO THE WASTE. AFTER THE BOMB DROP TWENTY YEARS AGO(comma) IT DESTROYED MOST OF THIS AREA AND CHANGED THE SURVIVORS.(This sentence is not grammatically correct. It should either read ‘After the bomb drop twenty years ago, most of the area was destroyed and the survivors were changed.‘ or There was a bomb drop twenty years ago. It destroyed...‘ (20)

OLIVIA: B^&%H! GIVE IT UP. (4/24/24)

CAPTION DIANA: “THE DROP” TURNED IT(this area?) INTO A PLACE WHERE OUTCASTs, SCUM, AND THE POOR LIVE(. THIS IS WHERE I LIVE NOW WITH MY COUSIN, PENELOPE, AND HER LITTLE KID (son? daughter?), TEAPOT.(You’re kind of putting poor people on the same level as scum and outcasts. It is a little off-putting. The poor may live in this area of the world you are creating, but there is a better way to say it. Consider: and ‘those too poor to escape,’ or something that differentiates them from the riffraff. Also, you never come back to Penelope and Teapot, why are you bringing them up?) (Mos Eisley, anyone?)(29/53/53)

Click here to read more.
Learn to make comics at ComixTribe! Be part of the Tribe!
E-Mail me for your editing needs. Twitter: @stevedforbes
"Criticism is an acknowledgment of your ability to produce results." David Gerrold
Steven Forbes is offline   Reply With Quote
Connect With Facebook to "Like" This Thread

Old 10-06-2013, 07:39 AM   #2
Steve Colle
Freelance Editor
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,509
Steve Colle is a jewel in the roughSteve Colle is a jewel in the roughSteve Colle is a jewel in the rough

The thing I had the hardest time with was the overuse of cursing and the use of symbols to create such. It's like putting a road block in your dialogue every time you've incorporated them. I find, in order to make the dialogue sound real, you either need to use the actual words (as is the case with many titles now), come close to actually printing the word ("sh*t" or "b*tch", for example) or completely replace the word with something more socially acceptable, like "frig" instead of "fuck". Don't replace all but one letter in the word with a symbol. In the script, it looks ridiculous, but on the comic page, it's unacceptable.

Unless you're writing a Q*bert comic, of course.

Every good story must accomplish two goals: Convey information effectively and incite an emotional response. If one or both of these are lacking, the story won't keep the attention of your audience.
Steve Colle is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:49 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
© 1997-2015 Digital Webbing, LLC