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Old 10-04-2013, 05:19 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 145: Too Much Stuff In The Bag

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in Jourdan MacLain. We also have Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in red, and we see if Jourdan can make us all feel

Dirty

TITLE: DIRTY/ CREATED BY: MONTE MILLER/ WRITTEN BY: JOURDAN MCLAIN/ PAGE 1



DIRTY



[ALL CHARACTERS ARE THE SOLE PROPERTY OF MONTE MILLER. ALL CHARACTER AND EVIRONMENT DESCRIPTIONS ARE IN A SEPARATE DOCUMENT] (Ah, the ownership disclaimer. Know what? No one cares. No one is out to steal your characters because they're too busy creating their own, and even if they were to steal the characters, do you think this would really stop them? You going to take them to court? I know a guy who says he's going to sue Disney because he says he created names they used in The Lion King, forcing him to change names of his own characters. It's been almost 20 years and no lawsuit. Ownership has to be proven. This first sentence is garbage and semi-offensive to me. The second sentence...I'm just happy that there's a document with the information in it.)

PAGE 1 (10 PANELS) (Whoa. That's a lot of panels on 1 page. Let's see if they're put to good use.)

PANEL 1: A daytime aerial shot of the wastelands as Diana and Olivia, with her sun hat, backpack, and belt pouch on, (Olivia has on outdoor gear, but Diana does not, right?) run side-by-side chasing Holland who is ahead of them running with his oversize axe in his hand.(Disclaimer: ComixTribe does not endorse running with with scissors or oversized axes)

CAPTION DIANA: WELCOME TO THE WASTE. AFTER THE BOMB DROP TWENTY YEARS AGO(comma) IT DESTROYED MOST OF THIS AREA AND CHANGED THE SURVIVORS.(This sentence is not grammatically correct. It should either read ‘After the bomb drop twenty years ago, most of the area was destroyed and the survivors were changed.‘ or There was a bomb drop twenty years ago. It destroyed...‘ (20)

OLIVIA: B^&%H! GIVE IT UP. (4/24/24)

CAPTION DIANA: “THE DROP” TURNED IT(this area?) INTO A PLACE WHERE OUTCASTs, SCUM, AND THE POOR LIVE(. THIS IS WHERE I LIVE NOW WITH MY COUSIN, PENELOPE, AND HER LITTLE KID (son? daughter?), TEAPOT.(You’re kind of putting poor people on the same level as scum and outcasts. It is a little off-putting. The poor may live in this area of the world you are creating, but there is a better way to say it. Consider: and ‘those too poor to escape,’ or something that differentiates them from the riffraff. Also, you never come back to Penelope and Teapot, why are you bringing them up?) (Mos Eisley, anyone?)(29/53/53)


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Old 10-06-2013, 07:39 AM   #2
Steve Colle
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The thing I had the hardest time with was the overuse of cursing and the use of symbols to create such. It's like putting a road block in your dialogue every time you've incorporated them. I find, in order to make the dialogue sound real, you either need to use the actual words (as is the case with many titles now), come close to actually printing the word ("sh*t" or "b*tch", for example) or completely replace the word with something more socially acceptable, like "frig" instead of "fuck". Don't replace all but one letter in the word with a symbol. In the script, it looks ridiculous, but on the comic page, it's unacceptable.

Unless you're writing a Q*bert comic, of course.

Steve
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