Go Back   Digital Webbing Forums > Hosted Forums > ComixTribe > The Proving Grounds

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-11-2013, 05:30 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
Freelance Editor
 
Steven Forbes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: In the moment
Posts: 3,888
Steven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud of

Week 146: Keeping Reader Interest


Welcome once more to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Sonja Smith! (And, on a completely unrelated note, I'm very happy to see that we have more women writing and submitting. I can probably count the number of female participants on one hand. I wish there were more. Anyway...) As always, we have Steve Colle looking dashing in blue, I'm fiery in my red, and let's see what Sonja brings us in



SDA



PAGE ONE (FIVE PANELS)





Panel 1. Medium establishing shot. (The use of a medium shot is pretty tight for an establishing shot, don’t you think? It doesn’t give enough of a view of the room, putting more focus on the main subject of the frame instead of generalizing the setting. I would have pulled back some more to at least a long shot.)(Or, you can circumvent the entire thing by just saying “establishing shot,” and letting the artist do the heavy lifting as to camera placement.) Night, a little girl’s bedroom. Moonlight shines in through the window. Toys are deposited on the floor, and a line of stuffed animals decorates the shelves. The room belongs to a modest home of a lower middle-class family. Nothing too fancy about the furnishings, but it’s nice. A small figure lies in the bed, shadowed by the darkness and burrowed under the covers.

1 CAP (ARIA):

I always knew my brother was different. (Okay, so this could be the beginning of a problem. I’ll explain why at the end of this page.)

Panel 2. Close-up of the figure’s face. Our hero, ARIA, is only 7 years old at this point. She is a little black girl with a natural afro splayed out across her pillow. She is awake and clutching the blanket tightly in her fist. (Pretty good description of the fist clutching the blanket, but just HOW is the blanket being clutched? Is it pulled over everything but her eyes? Is it being used mostly as a security blanket of sorts? Try to give a bit more detailed visual. Otherwise you might not get close to what you actually visualize.)


2 CAP (ARIA):

Even when I was young, I knew that he wasn’t like most other boys his age. (I’d suggest separating this caption’s text for a more dramatic read, by having a longer pause between what’s being spoken.) He was different. (Here, you’ve reused the word “different” for a second time in two panels. Ask yourself: Which of the two lines of dialogue above better utilizes the expression, “my brother was different” or “he was different”? Another question would be: Do you even NEED to repeat it, or can you simply say “I always knew my brother was different. Even when I was young, I knew he wasn’t like most other boys his age”? I believe you should forego the second and stick with the line I just wrote out, then go straight into your next panel’s text.)

Click here to read more!
__________________
Learn to make comics at ComixTribe! Be part of the Tribe!
E-Mail me for your editing needs. Twitter: @stevedforbes
"Criticism is an acknowledgment of your ability to produce results." David Gerrold
Steven Forbes is offline   Reply With Quote
Connect With Facebook to "Like" This Thread

Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:02 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
© 1997-2015 Digital Webbing, LLC