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Old 11-01-2013, 08:23 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 149: Being Vague Is Not Your Friend


Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Austin James, son of our own Cesar Feliciano, who's the artist on The Red Ten. With Samantha LeBas in purple and myself and red, we're going to put Austin through his paces with


Immortal


IMMORTAL / James / 1

EPILOGUE


PAGE ONE



1. (Close-up on female mouth. Wry grin formed.) (See this? The parenthesis around the panel descriptions? I personally find it strange for formatting, but I'm not going to ding him on it as long as he's consistent.)



THE FALLEN*: The sins of our fathers...



THE FALLEN*: (2) Such a misplaced notion.(What is a misplaced notion? There is not a full sentence here, where is the contradiction? You have one half of an idea, and nothing to contrast it. I would use an entire [or paraphrased] quote, like: The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children - Shakespeare “Merchant of Venice,” act III, sc. V, l. 1 [Obviously, you ARE NOT going to put that notation in your text] and keep your second line of text.)

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Old 11-03-2013, 09:53 PM   #2
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THE FALLEN*: Our children stare into each others eyes with unbridled hate.

The eyes belong to the others, so an apostrophe is needed.
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