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Old 12-13-2013, 02:39 PM   #1
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TPG Week 155: More Study Needed


Welcome, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in Will Robson. Let's see if he's learned anything since his previous submission! (Quick answer: not a lot.) Also this week, we have back Samantha LeBas (welcome back, Kotter—I mean, Sam!) in purple, and I'm forever dangerous in red, as we both look to see what Will does with

Lost and Dead

I’d like to see a header with the title of the script and possibly your name at the top of each page.

PAGE 1 (8 Panels) - pANEL 1 and 8 should be the same size. panels 4-6 should go vertically down the page. as a collective, they are the same size as panels 2 and 3.

PANEL 1 - EXT. Farmhouse - Early Afternoon - Autumn (This makes me think you learned screenwriting first. You don’t have to do this for us comic types. It’s actually a little confusing because it breaks up the description.) (And with that breaking, you've lost the easiest thing to get: a Flawless Victory. Format is easy. Breaking it up like this is a huge no-no.)

CAPTION

Louisiana, 2164 (Comma-fail.)

Wide panel, stretching across the top of the page. Low angle establishing shot of small farmhouse framed right, sun high in the middle of the panel. Post apocalyptic atmosphere - dead trees, dusty unkept fields. Scattered, shriveled[COLOR="rgb(75, 0, 130)"](shrivelled)[/COLOR] leaves blow right across the panel. Framed left, a muddy and weathered construction boot walks towards the farmhouse. Dust billows up from the footstep. The Farmhouse has a small porch area, make sure there is a window next to the right side of the front door. All windows on the first floor should be boarded up. Keep in mind about the window on the right and how you want to set it up, as it will be a reoccurring set.[COLOR="rgb(75, 0, 130)"](The disembodied boot is a little confusing. Tell your team whose boot this is so the character can be depicted accurately. Are there any significant details that need to be in place for the window on the right to function later in the script? Mention that now, if so.)[/COLOR]

CAPTION(black with gold text) (CONT'D)

There are two types of bacteria in this world... (Put all your text together in the script, there is no reason to break up these captions with a description. Tell us who is speaking, or if a cap is editorial, etc. Why is this continued? From where? )(I think it's part of the program used. I know Final Draft could possibly have a “continued” to the caption. Continued from where? The first caption, which, of course, is wrong.)


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Old 12-13-2013, 07:28 PM   #2
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Hello,

I found Samantha's words very helpful and positive in helping me develop my formatting. I also want to state that I forgot to correct that they were riding on "utahraptors" not "velociraptors".
Steve, with all due respect, I don't feel "ashamed of myself" by this at all. I also don't think it was "a waste of time". I have put a lot into this story and I have spent months on research, but, obviously not enough. You gave some fantastic advice, but, it was spaced between a lot of unnecessary negativity.
Sam, I'm a bit confused on your advice on a separate draft on character description. Does this mean I should NOT put any description of the characters in the script? And leave that to the separate draft? And If I were to submit again, should I include that?
My biggest downfall, at this time, is being the artist on this book. I put too little into describing certain visual elements, as I know how to flesh them out. I'm saying that this is my hardest struggle, which I will continue to work on. Also I do come from a screen writing background, as I have been studying it academically for the past 5 years. I know now not to mention the "framing" word, but could you please give me advice on what to say instead? Also I will no longer set up the beginning of my panel descriptions with screen writing format EX. (EXT. - AFTERNOON).
I think I just need to focus on where to begin my story. It's supposed to be about a group of survivors travelling from America to Antarctica in an attempt to save their captured companion.

So I'm going to go for a round 3, a full rewrite. I will be submitting it again.
All the best,
Will
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Old 12-13-2013, 10:44 PM   #3
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Hey, Will.

Unnecessary negativity? I don't think so. The script didn't do anything. That's plain and simple. I wasn't negative. I was telling the truth, from my point of view.

The biggest downfall of this script is that you haven't done enough studying of the craft between your previous attempt and this. You can be the artist, that's all well and good. The script can be just notes for you, and as long as you understand what you're going for, that's fine, too. However, you have to know what's going on with the rest of the team when they read this. The letterer shouldn't have to look all over the script for the elements that they're going to need in order to do their job.

Like I said, there are lots of resources all over the net, not to mention books, that can help you. I've written columns dedicated to nothing but writing comics. Have you availed yourself to any of the resources available to help you? It doesn't seem like it. Here's what it looks like, from my viewpoint:

You submitted a script the first time, and I ripped you a new one for the insult given. You then decided to get better, going through and trying to fix your previous mistakes, but you didn't go far enough. You half-assed it, and it shows, so I told you about it. That's not negative. That's telling the truth. Don't have me bring out the Jack Nicholson.

Here's what you should understand: most of the character descriptions, as an artist, don't need to be in the panel descriptions. When are you going to start drawing the characters? When you first get the script, or when you get hired to work on the story and start doing character designs? The designs shouldn't be in the script. They should be separated out, and only incidental characters should be described in the panel descriptions.

Here's what I'm looking for in the next draft: a story being told, and some actual dialogue that moves the story forward. Does it have to be this story? Not at all. But the story has to show character movement with a beginning, middle, and end, and it should have dialogue that helps tell the story.

There are also writing challenges here in the Writer's Showcase that can help spur ideas on telling short stories. Give those a try. (You may have to adjust your settings at the bottom in order to see further back.)

Looking forward to seeing what you come up with.
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Old 12-16-2013, 11:08 AM   #4
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Will, I had also done edits, I believe on the first four or five pages. If you're interested in seeing what I'd written, let me know at scollets@gmail.com.
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