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Old 01-04-2014, 02:03 AM   #1
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TPG Week 158: When Dialogue Doesn't Do Its Job


Welcome, one and all! It's a new year, so we're off to a new start! First up for the year is a new Brave One in Jeremy Jackson! We still have the beautiful Steve Colle in blue, and I'm ever-crabby in red. So, let's see what Jeremy does when he has a



Soulless Night



PAGE ONE(splash image)



Page description. Completely black page, with Ciilldrean (Sill-der-een) leaning out of the darkness. (Question: Is a page completely black if there’s someone leaning out of the darkness? For myself, this description brings to mind one of those cardboard children’s books where there’s a lever that, when manipulated, allows a character or prop to move across the page. Clever, but I doubt this is what you had in mind.)



Cap 1: There cannot be pleasure without pain, or peace without war, and, as such, there cannot be good without evil.



Cap 2: They were frightened, and you, as their protector, locked me away, (Take out the comma) in a prison of flesh and bone forged of your sacrifice.



Cap 3: I am held captive for the horrible crimes I have committed against man.

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Old 01-04-2014, 11:30 PM   #2
JeremyRJackson
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Firstly I would like to thank you for the time you have taken to read my work. I know now how painful the experience was for you, but that was the first sample I had written.

I assume that the questions asked here are probably rhetorical, but I feel obligated to answer, and I do have some explanations as to why it was so bad.

First off, I have had issues with English, and writing for quite a while. I am looking to improve, so that I may tell the story arcs that I wish to share. I do know that I overly use commas, but to tell the truth I tend to ramble, and I tend to pause a lot. This is something I have been trying to steer away from, but as you can see I am still struggling with that.

As for the lack of character/panel descriptions. That was a very stupid mistake on my part. This script was solely a dialog sample to begin with. I never intended to write it in script format, that is until I finished the dialog. I had these images in my head panel by panel, and upon completion I just started sorting them out. I wanted just enough description to allow me to remember where my mind was while I was writing. As scary as it sounds I was drawing this myself. In other words the descriptions should have been completely rewritten. Another downfall is that this is just a small explanation for what happens between this much larger break in a series of stories that I wanted to write. I have since decided to practice my writing skills by transforming that arc into a series of short stories. If by some freak accident that I can get something published in the future, I would not let this see the light of day. I just needed to see where I stand, because your family and friends are always too nice...to your face.

For this story arc I have created a universe, a planet, races, and a religion, not to mention about 40 some odd characters who live in this world. It will actually be in four installments. The first installment would be the creation of their world. Second, would be the transformation of the world. The third, would be the struggle to protect the new world. Lastly, is life in this newly formed world.

Jaxon: This man is the protagonist for the story which would precede this one. He is an incarnation of the last of an annihilated race. From his ancestors he owns the ability to manipulate matter. He can strip atoms and molecules from their simplest form, rearrange, and force a change in density. Jaxon, after learning a little about the religion of the land, set aside vengeance to ensure the longevity of the human race. Instead of killing Ciilldrean he absorbs him, and that retains the balance.

Ciilldrean: The purpose of this name is to confuse. He is supposed to be ancient and out of our understanding. His prison is Jaxon's body. Jaxon had to absorb Ciilldrean to retain balance, to destroy the monster means that another monster will take his place. A time of heroes caused the balance to shift giving Ciilldrean the power to purge Jaxon's soul from his body, thus giving that creature Jaxon's power. Ciilldrean is the creator of light and all things good; However, he caused the end of his evil counterpart, thus shifting the balance. From then on, he had to play both roles.

Alexander Halumnus: This character I like quite a bit. His story would actually be the first in the series. As I explained earlier, Ciilldrean is the creator of light. Well, there is a creator of darkness as well, named Sense.(Again for a reason, and it is sarcastic.) Every couple of decades the creators must rest and allow their creations to choose their own paths. One day Sense decides not to rest, rather he decides to rule the people of the planet. Upon Ciilldreans return to the conscious world he sees the evil that has overrun the world he once knew. He created Alexander to help restore balance. Eventually Alexander slays Sense without knowledge of his consequences, and in the process forces Ciilldrean to pick up the slack.

I wanted the beginning and the end of this short to be open. This would only explain what I had planned to use as a surprise in the third story arc. I would also like to point out that I wanted Alexander to preach. He is an important religious figure, who now knows the importance of balance to that world, but also the pain his creator feels having to go against his design in order to prolong his home.

Thanks again, and I see now that I have a very long way to go before I am ready to write and get published. Hopefully, I can be ready, by the time I am more well practiced with my art as well. I will try to entertain next time.

Jeremy R. Jackson.
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