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Old 04-11-2014, 07:31 PM   #1
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TPG Week 172: Work On Other Projects First


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Curt Achberger. And while this was supposed to be Steve Colle's week, he's taking a sabbatical, and will be back when he can. In the meantime, the beautiful, talented, and ice cold Samantha LeBas has stepped in to help out. So, as always, we have Sam in purple, I'm in red, and we see what Curt has done with



eXfig



PAGE ONE (one panel)



Panel 1 - Title/Credits page.



A long view looking down at Mumbai in ruins, smoke rising from everywhere, fires visible. Buildings have blast markings (as if from artillery), scorch's (lasers/flamethrowers) and claw/bite/tear damage (as if from giant beasts). The ground is littered with skulls/bones (not all human)(then we need to know what they are), bullet casings and arrows, discarded rifles and swords/shields(We need a little more detail here, too). (If this is a long view, we're not going to be able to see all of this, because there's so much that needs to be seen. If you want to show the city, then this has to be pulled back, just like it is. However, the minute detail you've gone into won't be seen. It can't. That's just the nature of the beast.)



NARRATION:



On January 29th(delete ‘th’ add comma) 2014, Dr. Asura Raman was attempting to create a breakthrough in transportation technology by opening portals in space-time, thus(suggest deleting, ‘thus’) allowing instantaneous travel across the globe. Instead, his experiments created two “rifts”,(move comma inside quotation marks, consider emphasizing with italics) openings between our universe and other(comma) alternate universes.

One universe, called Seti Prime, is inhabited by a human empire called the(capitalize) Tekreign. Possessing technology far advanced of(suggest ‘to’) our own, the Tekreign empire spans their entire galaxy(comma) and their control on it is maintained by an army of cyborgs and robots known simply as(comma) “the(capitalize) Tek”. Following their belief that “a good offense is the best defense”,(move comma inside quotation marks, or delete quotation marks) the Tek wasted no time in exploiting the newly opened portal.

The other rift opened to a universe called Dra’con. Inhabited by a host of warring races, constantly fighting one another for dominance,(change comma to period) (Doing that makes the sentence a fragment.) Dra’con is a place where the forces of magic are alive and well. Dragons, demons and terrors of the night found themselves presented with an open invitation for (expansion and chaos. this phrase, nee this sentence makes little to no sense.)

After the initial devastation (need verb, caused by?) of two otherworldly(comma) invading forces, humanity regrouped and prepared to fight back. Among the scattered resistance, famed geneticist(comma) Ernst Wagner(comma) found a way to use the powers of our unwelcome guests against them. Together with a stranded special forces commander (why no name), he created humanity's last, best hope of survival.

He created the Experimental Fighter program:

EXFIG



(This is prose. This is not the way comics begin, for a reason. There are four full paragraphs here, there is nothing dynamic to look at, nothing to connect with, just some words and a burning city. I don’t think this is an effective start.)


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Old 04-11-2014, 08:17 PM   #2
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Ouch.
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:26 PM   #3
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The writing, or what was said about the writing?
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Old 04-12-2014, 11:27 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
The writing, or what was said about the writing?
Yes.

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Old 04-12-2014, 11:31 AM   #5
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Curt,

I know the point of TPG isn't for us to tell you how to write your story, but have you considered starting when the portal opens?

I'm not sure if you are a gamer, but the concept reminds me of Half-Life or Doom 3, both which begin right before the portal opens and launches the story forward.

You have a main character whose occupation will not only put her in the immediate vicinity of the danger, but allow for a small, yet organic, exposition of the portals. Put us in the shoes of the main character. Let us feel the danger as the story unfolds. It seems like it could be ripe with tension. As of now, her biggest risk is twisting her ankle stepping off a ladder.

I've closed comics when I see a wall of text. I may possibly be the only person in the world who doesn't like The Walking Dead, and it's because of the amount of text on a page. And Kirkman has an amazing command on the medium!

Don't turn off your audience before you have had an opportunity to hook them. Find the tension and exploit it. Consider telling us the story as we are running away from the demons that come from the portals.

Just my thoughts.

Ryan
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