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Old 06-14-2014, 02:13 AM   #1
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TPG Week 181: Searching For A Signal


Hello, one and all, and welcome back to The Proving Grounds! This week, our Brave One is someone who's no stranger here: Sam Roads. I'm alone again this week, so it's only me and Mr. Roads. Let's see how he does with



Requiem



Before I get started, this script was in 11 pitch. You know how happy this makes me? Yeah. If I were getting this as an editor at a publisher, I'd be putting it in the trah, pissed off that I took the time to open it. Twelve pitch, ladies and gentlemen. And if you don't know what I mean, you're on the internet. Learn.

PAGE ONE. (Five Panels) GRAMPS is a middle-aged south asian man, thinning black hair, big black moustache, dressed in threadbare modern-day jacket and trousers. YOUNG MAMA is a six-year old south asian girl in a ragged patterned dress.(Okay, I don't know whether or not to be a fan of this as yet. The reason being is that I don't know if these are recurring characters or not. Wait. I lied. I don't like it here. If they're recurring characters, then it should be in a different document, or maybe at the start of it, separate from everything else. If they're one off's, then this should be in the panel descriptions.)

1.) Wide. Day. A zombie-apocalypse large London urban square, houses ringing a central park of grass. Abandoned cars, rubbish-strewn, distant smoke rising over a city in statis. A horde of zombies chase YOUNG MAMA and GRAMPS. She looks back, frightened, he drags her firmly by the hand, looking forward resolutely. (Sam, I'm not a happy camper. First, how is the reader to know this is London? I'm currently watching a bad movie (Broken Skull/Skullcrusher), and while it's an urban setting, there's nothing really to give it a feel as to which city this is in. It could be anywhere. Second, where's the camera? Would it be better to hide what they're running from until the next page? Maybe. Depends on how the story runs. Third, how many zombies are we talking about? Fourth, what's the distance between the zombies and the live ones?)

Mama (caption)

“OK, sweetie. If you sit nicely, Mama will tell you a lovely story, and then we can get back to it.”

Click here to read more.
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Old 06-14-2014, 04:38 AM   #2
Alyssa
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LOL It cracks me up that Steven knows I'm reading every TPG. Methinks I'm somewhat predictable.

Quote:
Mama (caption)

terrible zombies were chasing Mama and Gramps.

Mama (caption)

They wanted to eat our flesh! (Uh oh. What happened here, Alyssa?)
Dropsies on the quotation marks? Mama's talking, not having an internal monologue, so quotation marks should be there. Sam got it for the rest of the script (unless I missed anything), but missed them here.

That is what you were after, right?


I'd like to drop some more comments, but worked too much today, brain be fried (dunno how you guys do these columns after working all day!). Will jump back here soon if it's okay with Sam!
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Old 06-14-2014, 12:59 PM   #3
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Hi Steven,

Thanks a metric tonne for doing this proving ground. I really appreciate your energy, effort and skill. It is so cool!

I wrote this specifically to try out some ways of doing things, and to see what would happen if I then submitted it. I thought it would be a lot more interesting than just submitting my usual style.

The thought here was to attempt a story without dialogue. I loves me my dialogue and in an ideal world would have nothing but talking heads, so this was an exercise in 'doing it wrong'.

* How does the reader know it's London? They don't, and it doesn't matter that it is London, but it seems like a convenient shorthand to name the city, rather than say 'a European centuries old capital city'. What's a better way to handle that sort of thing?

* Sorry about the 11 point font. Careless of me.

* Regarding the 'accident' - I could draw you a hand on a piano which is there by accident, and a hand on a piano which is shaping to play a chord. They don't look at all the same. However, I failed to convey that to you in words, so it's my bad.

* Regarding the '?' sound effect. What would you call it when a character is drawn with a ? over their heads. Is it not a SFX, in effect?

* Some of the choices with silhouettes were based on attempting to draw the reader to look at what matters in the panel, not get distracted by zombie heads. Is that viable?

* The Music SFX are based on the note density of the pieces picked. You'd not recognise the pieces themselves, but a reader would be clear that the level of performance would have to have improved to cope with the more complex musical notation.

I would like to assure you that your criticisms are based not on my being lazy, but on my being inexperienced! I would hate to think that you didn't realise how much I respect TPG, and I try to only submit the best work I can achieve.

Once again, many thanks for editing this, and for all the TPGs to come!
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Old 06-14-2014, 05:22 PM   #4
Steven Forbes
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
Hi Steven,
Sam! How the hell are ya?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
Thanks a metric tonne for doing this proving ground. I really appreciate your energy, effort and skill. It is so cool!
You're welcome. It's a labor of love, to be sure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
I wrote this specifically to try out some ways of doing things, and to see what would happen if I then submitted it. I thought it would be a lot more interesting than just submitting my usual style.
You hear that, folks? He tried something new! Stretching muscles! I like it, even if the final product wasn't a total success. Without experimentation, we don't grow. I love growth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
The thought here was to attempt a story without dialogue. I loves me my dialogue and in an ideal world would have nothing but talking heads, so this was an exercise in 'doing it wrong'.
I'm not that much of a fan of dialogue-less stories. I think the problem here is that you went in half-measures. I don't think that this was really the type of story to try it with. Well, there's a way... It would add more panels, though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
* How does the reader know it's London? They don't, and it doesn't matter that it is London, but it seems like a convenient shorthand to name the city, rather than say 'a European centuries old capital city'. What's a better way to handle that sort of thing?
Visual shorthand. Wanna say it's London? That's great. What's the biggest visual cue that someone would know they're in a particular location? Someone? Anyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
* Sorry about the 11 point font. Careless of me.
You just want me to wear thicker glasses. Just admit it. It's okay...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
* Regarding the 'accident' - I could draw you a hand on a piano which is there by accident, and a hand on a piano which is shaping to play a chord. They don't look at all the same. However, I failed to convey that to you in words, so it's my bad.
Yup yup.

And you're not conveying it to "me." You're not conveying anything to "me." You're conveying it to the artist. Remember, the entire reason for the script is for the rest of the creative team. You know what you want, but they don't, so you have to tell them. That's what the script is for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post

* Regarding the '?' sound effect. What would you call it when a character is drawn with a ? over their heads. Is it not a SFX, in effect?
Yes, in effect, it is. What I would have done, though, is to make a Letterer's Note, and then said to place a question mark above the character's head. (Well, that's not completely true. I wouldn't have had the question mark in the first place. It isn't my thing. That's a personal preference, though, and has nothing to do with being right or wrong.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
* Some of the choices with silhouettes were based on attempting to draw the reader to look at what matters in the panel, not get distracted by zombie heads. Is that viable?
I still think that it's closing barn door after the horse is left. If the artist is doing their job, they'll be drawing the panel in such a way as to put emphasis where it's needed. You said it's daytime. Silhouetting won't work very well in a lot of light.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
* The Music SFX are based on the note density of the pieces picked. You'd not recognise the pieces themselves, but a reader would be clear that the level of performance would have to have improved to cope with the more complex musical notation.
Again, I think it's something only a musician would care about. The easiest thing to do would be to use some reference for the letterer. Tell them how much of the particular piece you want to use, and let them do their thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
I would like to assure you that your criticisms are based not on my being lazy, but on my being inexperienced! I would hate to think that you didn't realise how much I respect TPG, and I try to only submit the best work I can achieve.
No worries. Inexperience is something that we all have to deal with. The best thing for it, though, is to do exactly what you're doing: continue to write. You do that, and you'll be on your way in no time flat.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
Once again, many thanks for editing this, and for all the TPGs to come!
You're very welcome.
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