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Old 07-18-2014, 07:44 AM   #1
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TPG Week 186: Nothing To See Here, Move Along...


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Jim Mello. We also have Steve Colle in blue, I'm in red, and we see what Jim has to say about the year



1945



Page One, Four Panels



1. TOP DOWN VIEW: A BED. The bright white linen of bed sheets (Missing comma) ruffled from use (Missing comma) are washed over by orange light from various candles burning off panel. (Three points here to mention: First, itís hard to tell that the sheets are meant to be white when you have an orange glow on them. Second, I just see mention of the linen and not of blankets and pillows. Are they on there as well? Finally, Iím wondering why youíre keeping the candles creating this orange light source off panel?) On the bed sits discarded articles of clothing from various German Wehrmacht Officer uniforms. An AFRIKA CORPS HAT, FIVE IRON CROSSES, A GESTAPO OFFICER CAP, A GREY OFFICERíS JACKET, and a LIGHTER. A large trunk sits flung open with what looks like more garments inside at the end of the bed. (Are we supposed to be looking at a bed, or a bed and a trunk? And you do know that you're going to cause the artist to do a lot of research, right? And what kind of lighter? I watch a LOT of old movies, and lighters were much different from then to now. You were very exact with what you wanted with all the other items except the lighter. This, folks, is where photo-reference would be necessary.)



DAVID BLOCK (O.P)

I need you to tell me what all of this is.


Click here to read more.
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:49 AM   #2
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This is the kind of hands on education I need, very thorough. Especially for only 6 pages.
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:17 AM   #3
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Iím not going to give away the answer that Schuyler is going to give, but thatís a doozy. Iím actually surprised that Steve missed it. (Perhaps he was saving some for me. In that case, thank you.)
What did you mean by this, Steven? Or did you start having flashbacks of last week and include my name from some bad memory of script reading?
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:45 AM   #4
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What did you mean by this, Steven? Or did you start having flashbacks of last week and include my name from some bad memory of script reading?
Never mind. I just realized I am suppose to say what's wrong with a panel. I will work on it.
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:45 AM   #5
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1. MAJOR DAVID BLOCK, Royal Air Force, sits pretzel legged in his stark white RAF issued boxers on the bed with his back against the headboard, a cigarette clinging to the edge of his lips, and a revolver clutched in his right hand. Around him are the edges of a an attic-type Parisian loft ó wooden frames held up by wooden beams with a roof that slants downwards toward the street.
Hi, Jim. I am going to attempt to dissect this panel. I am just another guy that submits to TPG. I have had three so far and I have not had a good run. Please try not to be offended.

This panel starts with your character's name in capital letters. At first glance it could look like dialogue. Not sure why you chose to do that.

The fact that he is royal air force, and even what he is wearing can go in another document. That way, you can just state your character's name and go right to what you want the artist to draw.

Your character is seated on a bed. Is it the same bed from the last page with all the trophies? Are the wooden beams you describe on the panel? That would mean the camera is far enough away to see the trophies as well.

We are not sure when this takes place. I am assuming it is at night because their are candles.

Does Block have an expression on his face? Honestly, I am imagining Martin Sheen from Apocalypse Now. When he is sitting in his hotel room, also wearing boxers, also holding his pistol. I don't know if that's what you are wanting exactly.

Finally, here is what I think Steven wants me to say.

You did not establish your scene. Your first page is just objects on a bed and then closeups of those objects. The first panel of page two could have been used to establish your scene, at least in your artists mind.
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Old 07-18-2014, 03:33 PM   #6
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Close, but no cigar.

Anyone else wanna give it a try?
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Old 07-18-2014, 04:40 PM   #7
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Ohh, I think I got it!

How does he talk with a cigarette hanging from his lips?
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Old 07-18-2014, 05:01 PM   #8
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Nope. You were closer before. You touched on it, then moved away.

Anyone else?
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:13 PM   #9
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Unclear panel description, i.e. no camera information.

Personally I found the "pretzel legged" a weird bit of body language for a scene that reads very post-coital. I'd have him sitting stark naked, hunched over the bed. Although Steven touched on it, "frames" should probably be "joists" or "trusses," and "roof" should be ceiling - but I understood the meaning having spent many years living in houses with dormers.
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:53 PM   #10
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Nope. That's not it, either.

Anyone else?
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Old 07-18-2014, 10:13 PM   #11
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There's no story to speak of, everything on page 1, visually, had nothing to do with the story or the telling of a story. I found it hard to follow.
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Old 07-18-2014, 11:18 PM   #12
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I'm surprised that no one has gotten this yet.
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Old 07-19-2014, 12:20 AM   #13
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Heh. Not sure exactly what you're looking for, my friend, but it could be the fact that he designates the character as Major David Block, a military man, and yet there is no way to show that designation given he is only in white boxers (which would actually be the same orange color as the sheets).

I feel like a multiple choice option should be in place, so we can get some idea of what direction you're going in with the question.
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Old 07-19-2014, 12:35 AM   #14
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Okay. I'll end the suspense.

P1, panel 1, we have a top down view of the bed. The ONLY things on the bed safe the "trophies."

Then suddenly, the unnamed man is sitting cross-legged on the bed, leaning on the headboard.

When did he get there? That's teleportation. That's what everyone missed.
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Old 07-19-2014, 04:09 AM   #15
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Yeah, I can see that. However, I think what everyone was focusing on was the panel description itself for Page Two, Panel 1 in relation to itself and not to the happenings of the previous page. Like the phrasing of the description as it pertained to itself and not how it followed the sequence of the story at that point. I know that's how I interpreted your comment of "This panel fails". I had my blinders on and couldn't see the forest because I was too busy looking for termites in the single tree.
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