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Old 07-25-2014, 05:51 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 187: Too Much Imaginating, Not Enough 'Splainin'


Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a newcomer from across the pond, Luke Pierce! We also have Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in the soothing red, and we'll see what Luke has to say about



The More Things Change



Aren't you folks getting tired of the rant about font size? The semi-funny thing is that Luke saw the hubbub, saw what he had done (this was at 11), immediately plotzed, and fired off an email of apology. So, I won't rant, because he saw his mistake and then emailed me about it.



Now, if only the rest of the script went as well...





Page One of Five

Five Panels (Know what I'm loving? Luke put a header in the document. This isn't it, and you won't see it, but it's there, and I love it.)



Panel One



This is a small establishing shot, of a modern glass windowed building. This is primarily to establish that this is a research facility of some kind.

This is intended to be fairly anonymous rather than any particular establishment.(How does a nondescript modern glass windowed [as opposed to...?] building indicate that this is a research facility?)



No Copy.(Here’s the answer to that question. “No copy” is not the answer, “Editorial caption: Blah Blah Research Facility,” comes closer.)

Click here to read more.
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Old 07-25-2014, 08:17 PM   #2
LukePierce
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First off, many thanks to Steven and Sam for having a look at this. It definitely shows that not writing a comic book script for almost a decade is not the best of things to do and people definitely need to be writing at least once a week as a bare minimum.

Also, as advice, if you are planning on doing this for a living, but you need to get a job that supports you in the beginning, put serious consideration into what'll help you most with that. I was in the position of needing to get any kind of job and it shows.

I did genuinely email and apologise too, as well as attaching the horror that caused my writing style to stagnate. If people are really interested, I've discovered that it's freely available on the internet and it's called the JSP 101: Defence Writing Guide. It's not a guide, it's a "You must do this", good for writing letters, not much good for anything else. It's also authored by the Royal Air Force, an organisation widely despised by my own.

This script, to be honest and on reflection, is terrible. I began having misgivings almost immediately, which is never a good sign. However, I did need to know how far I had sunk before I can pull myself out of the mire. If my old editor does happen to read this, I have to sincerely apologise to her and then work myself back up.

So, to clarify a few points:

Research facilities are trying to look quite non-descript in the UK, mostly because some idiots think that every facility is carrying out animal testing and secondly, if there is anything too identifying, companies are now very quick to sue. It's mostly about protecting the backside from getting a proverbial pineappling.
It should have a description though. Even a sign.

Is Metropolis that obscure now? Hammer Horror is probably better fit now though or even Rocky Horror.

As far as mad scientists go, I shouldn't think that everyone has seen Robot Chicken and there is some influence from Attack of the Killer Tomatos. Dr Gangrene was my hero with his cackling laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_PrRd-Y56c

One of the things I "suffered" very early on, was being told that my panel descriptions used to be very wordy and I pared down to the point of where I am generally quite loose in how I write. I like to bounce ideas and I did begin the script with a note to the artist, there were also a couple of annexes as well. However, be that as it may, as a submission, this is way too loose. (To be honest, I may end up drawing it, I have a tendency to have something this loose when the intention is loitering at the back of my mind)

This also suffers from Anime staples which aren't immediately obvious and may not be well known. Anita is suffering from unrequited love (Alfonso), whereas Alfonso loves something else. Also, carrying a cup of coffee and telling him to drink is a sign of "love" and signifies real importance. Alledgedly.
Playing around dangerously with no real consequences is another.

Page 1, Panel 4 needs some explaining though.

What was meant is that as Anita opens the door, she's opening it with her right hand as the door swings into the room. She's able to be seen slightly cowering behind the door (as if seeing the Principal at school) and we'll be able to see her sense of style as well.

Swearing aside, that actually is the panel description in a nutshell, but in much better England.

(Also, I do need to be careful with my sense of humour, it's been skewed a lot and what I may now find funny, might not be for others, which I'm sure Steven can appreciate.)

I do use a lot of British terms and there's a few too many in-jokes in use here, which really harms the story. The best example is the "Argh". In classic British comic books, if a heroic character had to be injured or, God forbid, actually die, then they had to emit a "manly" cry. If an enemy died, then they would emit a "cowardly" cry of "Aiee!". If you need context, basically it was British killing Germans during WWII. Because apparently all the Germans were utter bastards and reinforced stereotypes for generations. It also gave rise to wonderful expressions like "Sausage-eating huns" and "Donner und blitzen".

I think the low panel count harms it too, so it needed a few extra panels inserted to break the action better and to make it more logical.

The British have too many terms which can used to cover a whole range of things and completely understate the situation. Upset can be used to describe someone on the warpath and smashing down the building, to someone who's just been told that they've just lost ten dollars.

On the other hand though, Koalas carry the Hepatitis virus, so I'll improve to save you catching a very nasty disease. I don't know why I know this, I just do.

However, seriously, I can't thank you both enough for having a look, I didn't realise how bad things have been allowed to slip and I'll likely get a rewrite completed once I've figured out the motivation and setting a bit more.
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Old 07-28-2014, 11:37 AM   #3
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Luke,

Being so gracious and self aware will serve you well as you go forward. I wish you all the best and look forward to seeing you grow as a writer. Thank you for a submission.

-Sam
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Old 07-29-2014, 11:21 AM   #4
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Sam,

Believe me, I am extremely grateful and the comments from yourself and Steven spurred me on to make the changes and submit the revised script today. I certainly hope that, even if you don't end up reviewing it, that you do get the chance to have a look and see what a difference that you both managed to inspire. I certainly felt the difference and, once again, thank you to both you and Steven for doing that.

I'm certainly a lot happier with the submission this time around and, if you guys didn't care enough to help other writers improve, then there would be a lot more terrible stories out there.
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