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Old 08-09-2014, 02:02 AM   #1
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TPG Week 189: What A Resubmission Should Look Like


Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have something of a treat: Brave One Jon Parrish has done a resubmission! We don't get those too often around these parts. We have Samantha LeBas looking svelte in purple, I'm looking crazed in red, and we'll see what Jon does with

Professionalism

[Page 1][6 Panels]

Panel 1: An establishing shot of a two-story beach house on the coast, something like this. It is nighttime with a full moon. All of the lights in the house are off. The front doors are open. There are two dead guards in suits face down on the front steps and blood trickling down the stairs.

CAP (SAM): “I don’t understand. Is this about money? Because I can get you—

CAP (PATRICK): “Mr. Murphy, haven’t you been paying attention?”

Panel 2: A bird’s eye view of the entrance of the mansion. It is a circular room with stairs on both sides of the wall, leading to the second floor. On the floor in the center, there are three dead guards with gunshots to the head.

PATRICK (no tail) 1: We hunted you down, took out your defenses, and eliminated your security detail.

PATRICK (no tail) 2: Effortlessly.(Why “no tail”? Is he off panel? Yes, then why isn’t this a caption, like the dialogue in the previous panel? Where are the quotation marks? The lack of quotation marks would mean that this is internal monologue. Is this internal monologue?)(I”m going to talk about dialogue and space at the end of this page.)


Click here to read more.
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Old 08-09-2014, 04:19 PM   #2
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Good job! This is much, much better than the original. The panel descriptions are still a little sparse, but the improvement in pacing and dialogue make up for it.

The humor is much better, reminds me of dark humor pieces like Lock Stock, Snatch, or In Bruges. I agree with Steven, Page 4 does lull a bit. I think Oscar's lines fall a little flat compared to the humor in the preceding pages.

I think it would be better if Patrick realized his phone was out of batteries. That way he could use Oscar's phone to snap the pictures. Oscar could then continue being impatient and complaining. Then when the phone rings, Oscar could snatch it out of Patrick's hand, thinking it's Lacy. Having him walk off and talk in the background doesn't quite work for me.

Oscar: Lacy! I'm sorry, baby, I was --
Bobby: Lacy? Who the fuck is Lacy?

Etc. Etc. It's not laugh out loud funny, but I think it would keep the ball rolling in the same direction. I think Oscar's interactions with Patrick is a major factor in what's keeping it interesting right now.
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Old 08-09-2014, 04:20 PM   #3
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Sidenote: Steven, could you include links to the original submissions at the beginning of the article? That way I don't have to use the search function.
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Old 08-10-2014, 08:25 PM   #4
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Whew. I was confident that the new direction would improve the story, but it's hard to tell if it will go over well. Glad that it did, for the most part.

I've been distracted by the fact my 10 year reunion was last night, but I've been looking over the notes and will be digging into it

Quote:
I think it would be better if Patrick realized his phone was out of batteries. That way he could use Oscar's phone to snap the pictures. Oscar could then continue being impatient and complaining. Then when the phone rings, Oscar could snatch it out of Patrick's hand, thinking it's Lacy. Having him walk off and talk in the background doesn't quite work for me.

Oscar: Lacy! I'm sorry, baby, I was --
Bobby: Lacy? Who the fuck is Lacy?
I had been thinking of something similar to this to fix up the page. Thanks for your thoughts!
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:44 PM   #5
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Nice rewrite!
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:34 PM   #6
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Nice rewrite!
Thanks.
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Old 08-12-2014, 03:52 AM   #7
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This is really well written!

One thing has bugged me though, is it intentional or accidental that there's a change in font about halfway through? I only ask because it's really jarring.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:25 PM   #8
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This is really well written!

One thing has bugged me though, is it intentional or accidental that there's a change in font about halfway through? I only ask because it's really jarring.
I hadn't even noticed the font changed. It isn't in my script so it must have happened during the editing process. Maybe it was to see if we were paying attention.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:33 PM   #9
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Sometimes things happen when it gets posted. It isn't fun for me, either, but it's the price we all must pay for the scripts to show up in color without me having to do a week's worth of work on it. (Okay, not a week, but definitely a good few hours more than I want to.)
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Old 08-13-2014, 01:55 AM   #10
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Accidental then? No worries. I was actually kind of curious.

Maybe the site is trying to ensure that we're all paying attention?
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Old 08-13-2014, 02:34 AM   #11
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Or seeing if anyone would say anything about it.
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