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Old 08-15-2014, 04:58 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 190: Artist Turned...Writer? (Only the Shadow Knows!)


Hello, one and all, and welcome to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Morgan Wellborn! Morgan is an artist who's trying his hand at writing. We'll see how he does. We also have Steve Colle in blue, I'm in red, and we all get to see what Morgan does with

Champions of Pacifica

PAGE ONE [3 PANELS]

1. EXT. - Pacifica City – Midday (This is screenwriting-speak. It isn't wrong, but I'm not the biggest fan of it. It often leads to laziness that most new writers cannot afford. For those that don't know, this is an exterior shot of Pacifica City.)

Establishing Shot - Panoramic view of Pacifica City. A futuristic city located on the coastline of California. (I’d personally be asking for more details here. How far in the future? Are we seeing the ocean, given it’s on the coastline? Is there a city you could use as a present day model for the artist to build from? These are just some of the questions you may see coming at you based on the loose direction.) (I wouldn't go too far into it, myself. I see Pacifica City as Gotham City: a character of its own, and as such, the artist is going to come up with architecture well beforehand. Since Morgan is an artist first, I'm also willing to let some looseness slide, as long as he's going to draw this himself. If he isn't, then more direction may be needed. We'll soon see.)

Aamon Global Tower, standing 120 stories high, is the tallest standing structure in Pacifica City and located in the center of the metropolis. (Again, knowing the timeframe of the story would give a clearer idea of the design and structure of the tower and of the city in general. For example, is it a thousand years in the future like DC’s Legion of Super Heroes or closer to our present day?)

News and Police drones are circling the tower at a conservative distance. (Are they flying around the building or are they on the ground? The word “drone”, to me, doesn’t identify flight or ground level surveillance.)

The biggest problem I’m having here is the lack of direction of where the camera is placed. You have a lot of grander scale detail such as the overall view of the coastline city and then move in closer to focus on the tower and possibly the name on the building [or is it on the building?] and then even closer to see the drones. Then there’s the problem of a high angle or low angle shot, based on details such as the drones being airborne looking down or on the ground looking up. Give us more to work from.

Click here to read more.
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Old 08-15-2014, 08:03 AM   #2
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Wow, I can't believe how bad it was. I knew right off the bat it wasn't going to live up to a set standard, I suck at writing. Thanks for letting me know and taking your time to edit this, I think I'll just stick to drawing.

At least now I know and I can focus on one thing. I never wrote the script intending it to be anything other than a fun project for me to draw, now I'm glad I didn't actually draw this and make a fool of myself.
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Old 08-15-2014, 08:26 AM   #3
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If this is your baby, Morgan, I suggest you get a writer onboard. Layouts a good artist. Writers will jump to work with you on this.

As a matter of fact, shoot me an email, and we can talk.

(See what I did there?)
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Old 08-15-2014, 08:33 AM   #4
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Now I feel like I've just been set up!

But seriously, I would but I am dirt poor, I can't afford to pay anyone. I don't even think this project is worth the time anymore, but thanks for the offer Steven.
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Old 08-15-2014, 08:39 AM   #5
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Who said anything about paying someone?

Send me the damned email!

(Unless you're dead set on this being dead. Then shoot me the damned email, anyway.)
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:31 AM   #6
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Hey, Steven. You mentioned you work in your local 911. Out of curiousity, what do you do outside of editing?
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:33 AM   #7
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You got this TPG done super early too! Woohoo! I love having something to read in the morning at work while the phones are slow. Thanks!
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:36 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by crognus View Post
Hey, Steven. You mentioned you work in your local 911. Out of curiousity, what do you do outside of editing?
I don't think I understand the question.

Are you asking what my day job is?
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:36 AM   #9
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Steven, m'man, do you expect everyone who hasn't been in the military to know what a minigun is? I don't even know what a Gatling gun is! Was it meant as a technical term, or was it generic? And would it be on his arm and not in his hand? C'mon now… That's like going on about the use of the term "free hand"! We all have our little foibles, so let's leave it at that, okay?

Morgan, don't be afraid to be a co-plotter for your stories. If you have ideas, work with someone who can make them happen. In the meantime, keep drawing. You have some serious talent in that department.
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Old 08-15-2014, 09:45 AM   #10
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I don't think I understand the question.

Are you asking what my day job is?
Ya!
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:09 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by creativesynergy View Post
FBI: Everyone (Comma) move away from the Tower! Move BACK!!(As fast as the bodies are falling, is he seriously going to spend the time saying “Everyone, move away from the Tower!”? I don’t think so. And “Move BACK” doesn’t have the same degree of panic and immediacy as “Get back!”, which is said by another character right after he gives this direction. By the way, you call this person FBI, but is that a single person or a group of people all saying the same thing at the same time? Hard to tell. Specify.)
This was a great reminder for me to keep dialogue curt when conveying urgency. I think I messed up a little bit on this for the script I submitted for next week...
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:12 AM   #12
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Steven, m'man, do you expect everyone who hasn't been in the military to know what a minigun is? I don't even know what a Gatling gun is!
Most of us know what they are because of video games.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:42 AM   #13
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Most of us know what they are because of video games.
I never played video games, myself, though my kids have tried to teach me over the years. Maybe I should have had my 23 year old read the script!

Thanks for the direction.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:47 AM   #14
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I told Morgan to put some of his dialogue in German. I still think it is pretty cool, though maybe too much now.

Steve was asking about the minigun and I got an idea. Maybe the German guy could be in a uniform and carry a pistol and sword. The guy in the picture below has a blade but not a sword but he looks close to what I am talking about.

My idea was that the villain is about precision and efficiency rather than spraying his enemy down with a minigun.

http://www.echobasetoys.com/More_12_.../TCT-62019.jpg

Steve and Steven are right. A lot of writers would love the chance to work with an artist such as yourself. Don't give up on your idea, just take the advice you have been given and make it better.
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Old 08-15-2014, 11:50 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by creativesynergy View Post
I never played video games, myself, though my kids have tried to teach me over the years. Maybe I should have had my 23 year old read the script!

Thanks for the direction.
I assumed as much when you said you did not know what a minigun was. There are always better things to spend your time on, so I don't blame you.
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