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Old 09-06-2014, 04:03 AM   #1
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TPG Week 193: Another Resubmission Gone Wrong


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a Brave One who's no stranger to these parts: Schuyler Van Gunten! We also have Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in red, and we'll see how Schuyler does with his resubmission of



Mystiker



PAGE ONE (six panels)



Panel 1: Winter. Venetian Countryside at night with Vittoria and Golgoth. This is the same scene from last issue, where Golgoth died. Vittoria is age sixteen and wears winter clothing.



The camera sits half underground allowing us to see Golgoth buried under a small layer of snow. Just beyond where hes buried is a half wall. (Here.)If the half wall was not covered in snow we could see the burn marks from the fire that destroyed it. Vittoria stands on the other side of the half wall looking terrified. Behind her is a small road that leads to a one story house in the distance. The house is indistinct at this distance and it is covered in snow. Smoke pours from its chimney. It is just before midnight and the moon is overhead lighting the winter scene. In the left background are rolling hills that are covered in snow. The right side of the panel is lined with trees. The ones closer to the foreground are dead from the fire but as the background recedes, they are alive, just covered in more snow.



(So what is Golgoth doing here? Is this just his body? Is there also a ghost? Who speaks? The body? Does his mouth move? Does he emote? Im a little confused by the mechanics of this.)




CAP (Golgoth): I died and was thrust into a lonely darkness. A young girl passed by(comma) and I called out to her.

CAP (Golgoth): Weeks passed, what seemed like an eternity to me, and finally she returned.

VITTORIA: Old Ghost? Are you there?

GOLGOTH: I am still here.

Click here to read more.
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Old 09-06-2014, 09:42 AM   #2
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Thanks Sam! Thanks Steven!

The clergy did get married and have kids. It was frowned upon but allowed. Borgia had kids.
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Old 09-06-2014, 10:10 AM   #3
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It seems that my first submission of this script, was better in some ways. That is unfortunate.

I just wanted to say, thank you, again. I have submitted four scripts here. You guys have been a team on three of those.

I went and looked at my very first submission the other day. I have learned a lot but I have also not grown or even made backward steps in some areas.

A recurring theme of my submissions is that they are boring. I am not going to cry about that, I just need to make this clear to myself so I can do better. Then there is the meandering story... Steven has pointed this out on a couple occasions.

Sam. It was really helpful that you pointed out where the script got a little more interesting. It is really helpful because I might be able to start in the interesting place.

Next time, I submit something I will do my best to fix the boring and the meandering.

Thanks for everything that you guys do. Thank You!
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:45 AM   #4
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Sam, Alyssa, and Yannick have all told me to get rid of the editors note about pronunciation. I was trying to stick to my guns. That's just too many people that I trust and I will not do that anymore.

Last edited by Schuyler; 09-06-2014 at 11:46 AM. Reason: misspell
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Old 09-07-2014, 02:02 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Schuyler View Post
It seems that my first submission of this script, was better in some ways. That is unfortunate.

I just wanted to say, thank you, again. I have submitted four scripts here. You guys have been a team on three of those.

I went and looked at my very first submission the other day. I have learned a lot but I have also not grown or even made backward steps in some areas.

A recurring theme of my submissions is that they are boring. I am not going to cry about that, I just need to make this clear to myself so I can do better. Then there is the meandering story... Steven has pointed this out on a couple occasions.

Sam. It was really helpful that you pointed out where the script got a little more interesting. It is really helpful because I might be able to start in the interesting place.

Next time, I submit something I will do my best to fix the boring and the meandering.

Thanks for everything that you guys do. Thank You!
Being boring is something that is easily overcome. You do it by actually having conflict, instead of telling the backstory.

What you're doing, Schuyler, is telling the backstory and mistaking that for the actual story you're telling. Let the backstory be the source of the conflict, and you get around to it eventually, when it's important.

I don't care about your backstory. All it's doing is boring the hell out of me. How does the backstory impact the story you're trying to tell? That's what the backstory is for.

Once you figure that out, you'll almost instantly stop being boring. (That is, of course, as long as the story itself isn't boring.)
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Old 09-07-2014, 02:34 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
Being boring is something that is easily overcome. You do it by actually having conflict, instead of telling the backstory.

What you're doing, Schuyler, is telling the backstory and mistaking that for the actual story you're telling. Let the backstory be the source of the conflict, and you get around to it eventually, when it's important.

I don't care about your backstory. All it's doing is boring the hell out of me. How does the backstory impact the story you're trying to tell? That's what the backstory is for.

Once you figure that out, you'll almost instantly stop being boring. (That is, of course, as long as the story itself isn't boring.)
There is a reason why Tolkein published The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings before The Silmarillion.
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Old 09-08-2014, 10:43 AM   #7
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Thanks for the advice, Steven!
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