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#1 |
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TPG Week 196: Blackenstein Was Better...
Welcome back to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in JP Polewczak! We also have Liam Hayes in blue, I'm the guy in red, and we'll see what JP has to say about
DOCTOR SHARK #1 Learning the Smell of Success Part I Written by J.P. Polewczak Just a quick note before we start. This script came in at an 11 in font size... Guess how happy I am? Before we begin, I must make a point of your format. It's nigh unreadable. All the elements are bunched together making it difficult to pick anything out. If I were an editor at a publishers, this would be in the trash already. Don't let that happen based on something as simple as a format. I'm going to have to space this out just so I can make sense of it. There are no proper page breaks either. Again, I've added them in for the sake of Steven's blood pressure.(Thanks, Liam. However, this means that there's no Flawless Victory to be had here. So, just remember why it was lost, folks. Let's forge on!) ONE GENERAL NOTE: David, our main character, is a professor as a university. He’s teaching Marine Sciences 212. (Pointless. Discuss your character descriptions independently of the actual script.) Setting for this series is a university lecture hall. (One setting for a whole series?) It shows stadium-style seating about 20 rows deep with large projection screen where the stage would be (A reference for this would be great. Oh, and missing full stop.) Panel 1: Shows a large image of a dogfish (see: Google Images “Dogfish nose”) (Don't be lazy. Link it for the artist.), close-up on the nose. Call-out circle around the ampullae, a.k.a. the dark spots on the skin. (This is on a projection screen, but you didn't specify that fact.) NARRATION (Narration should be told in Captions. This, however, is not narration. The guy speaking is just off-panel.) (DAVID): The year is 1678. Italian physician and ichthyologist-- Click here to read more.
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#2 | |
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Also, if you can't slip in names in a natural way thru the dialogue, would captions be appropriate when the character first appears in the script? The reader would then know right away who they are. Is this seen as too clumsy a vehicle for delivery of the information? |
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#3 | |
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#4 | |
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#5 |
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Steven, Liam,
First off, I would like to thank both of you. This was the first time this script (or any script of mine) was read by someone other than myself and I see some major issues to address. I know I'm getting reamed for the format style, and I get that, but I formatted using Fred Van Lente's format, which is based off of Steve Gerber's. I see why this became an issue. In the same vein, I'm now more conscious of exactly how important it is to stop in order to move forward. I'm not here to make excuses. I saw the line was short and I tried to get this to a level that would work, but I can't honestly say that without some direction, the script would have been improved after 10 more weeks of staring at it. I needed to see exactly where I stood based on my own ability to proofread my work. That being said, let's take a moment to remember the ferrets that could not be here today as a result of my first draft. (Suggested Listening: Sarah McLachlan - Angel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1GmxMTwUgs) Okay. Beyond the technical issues and the panels (both lazy and moving), I want to get a little more into the pacing. You're not wrong that the first pages are boring and uneventful. I do understand the benefit, or necessity, of having the first pages be exciting and bring the reader into the world. The whole script for #1 was intended for character introduction and origin story. Maybe this makes more sense as a #0 issue? A story that can be brought up later after the reader has a vested interest in the character and what's happening to him. Do you agree? When I first read your comments, I became flustered with a dash of anger, but what I was feeling was disappointment in myself. The comments and advice were on point and being taken to heart. I'm going to print them out and keep them next to me and make notes on them. Set the requirements i need for each panel before moving on and determine if it's even necessary. I'll redraft this issue, proofread with stricter parameters, and make it worth the time. You'll see Doctor Shark again, but I think I have stronger work that if I apply the proper attention to may actually surprise. As for Crognus and TonyKidd joining the fray, I was trying to provide a description to the artist for the first time you see the main character. I didn't have a character descriptions page and clearly shot myself in the foot when including that info in panel descriptions. |
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Just the major players. You will want to include relevant, necessary information about throw-away characters.
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#8 |
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My understanding is that this would provide the artist with a description of the people or things showing up most frequently.
The only part where this gets confusing for me is that in some instances it seems important to provide information for the artist in great detail, but the character summaries would be intended to limit the bulkiness of some panel descriptions, therefore providing only important details in panel descriptions. I get when I say "refer to panel x" it's considered lazy, but if I provide a character list and simply note that the character is in the frame, is it then the artist's responsibility to cross-reference with the character sheet? This makes most sense because the panel descriptions could then be reserved for scene specific details such as emotion. What I don't want is to be accused of being lazy if I adhere to a character description document then "refer to character description" in-script. Does this also make sense to present a location document as well? i.e. If I'm writing a story about Batman and he's in the Batcave twice or so an issue, should I describe said Batcave in its entirety for a panel description or just the intricacies features in the panel with a separate overall description? |
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#9 | |
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Think about Raider's of the Lost Ark. There's that scene where he is talking to a class about some background information that will play a part in the story to come. But it is very short and leads into a scene that actually moves the plot forward (two intelligence agents come in to tell him about the whole Nazi thing). Another example would be in the Spiderman movie (Toby McGuire) where they are in Oscorp. The woman talks about the abilities spiders have, but her lecture takes place in the background of a scene that establishes Peter's relationship with his class bully, Harry Osborn, and Mary Jane. Oh and it places him in a location to get bit, so it also moves the plot forward. Anyway, the moral of the story is if you are going to use a lecture to give away background information (or any sort of info dump), keep it short, have conflict, and try to keep it in a scene that actually moves the plot along.
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#10 | |
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The fluidity of this scene needs to be improved so that the conflict between him and the students (specifically the apathy of the students) leads him to a drunken stupor. Which is reinforced later on after another lecture. In developing his character and even discussing it now, I'm starting to find better ways of presenting his past. The long and the short of it is that he loved sharks as a kid, a dedicated student, lead to appearances on TV and a meteoric rise in fame under the media-given name Doctor Shark (the cheesiness is intentional), only to abruptly end after a shark attack that left him in fear of the water brought him back to a university lab where he researched and taught, a shell of who he was. This information is referenced later in this issue, but if the first 6 pages didn't hook you (no pun intended) then you never get to the thick of it. It's that priority that I understand makes establishing a good pace critical to focus on the early pages. I also agree with you that the re-write is needed even for a #0 issue. Slapping the #0 to the title won't make this better, just focusing on the themes in this issue focusing on origin rather than what actually happens to David following this all could read better as a #0. |
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#11 | |
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Improperly hiding an info dump is one of the easiest pitfalls to make as a writer. We all think our origin and background stories are the bees knees and cat's pajamas, although they probably aren't. There's a lot of scenes I wish I could rewrite in my last work that have this problem. The vast majority of the last dozen scripts in TPG have this problem. Try not to do it. We only care about a character's origin once we already care about the character.
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#12 | ||||||||
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Josh (crognus) explained this pretty well. Personally, I hate having major characters being described in a script, because it's a waste of time. Cut all that out into a separate document, because the artist is going to need to do the characters first before they ever put pencil to paper to start drawing. The same thing goes for secondary characters. Throwaway characters, though, need to be described as a general sketch, not as very deep. (Male, 20's, long hair, glasses, an obese IT person.) When it comes to dialogue and names, if you can't slip a name in organically, then one of two things has happened: either you haven't worked hard enough, or you have a team of people and you want to get them labeled as soon as possible. Always go for organic dialogue. A way can always be found to introduce character names organically, unless you have a team. Here? You haven't worked hard enough. Quote:
Did anyone click the links I put in? Quote:
Format is there for ease of reading, keeping things together, so everyone is on the same page. More studying is needed. Luckily, I talk about scripting, format, terms, and why things are done in my Bolts & Nuts articles. Go read. Quote:
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Information badly presented and just repackaged is nothing more than a waste of time. Rewriting means exactly that: rewriting. There isn't a panel here that's actually worth saving, and especially not in the first five pages. Quote:
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They'll design the characters, and make a small file for the characters that are being used. Some may even print them out, if they don't remember each and every facet. They have their own way of working, and you don't have to worry overmuch about how they work. Your job is to provide the adequate amount of information for them. "Refer to panel x" is the epitome of laziness, and can lead to confusion. Don't confuse the artist, or the inker, or the colorist. Learn your job so you can do your job. Quote:
Does that help any?
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#13 | |
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I've read what you have on scripting in Bolts & Nuts. Did I completely miss this, or is it not mentioned there? |
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#14 | |
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This will answer your own question. Describe the following characters: Peter Parker Iron Man Captain America Bruce Wayne Batman Go!
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#15 | |
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If you send me the document, I won't read it (because I don't care about it). If you put it at the beginning or end of a script, I'm going to cut it out from what gets posted, because I don't care about it. For my edification, it is not. I'd be happy you did it for yourself and the team, but I don't need it here at TPG.
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