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Old 10-02-2014, 08:06 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 197: Another Resubmission That Didn't Learn



Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in James Sarandis. It's becoming a trend, it looks like, because we have another resubmission! We also have Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in red, and we'll see if James learned anything from the last time he submitted


SANGUINE



PAGE 1(I like a panel count here, but Iím spoiled)(Insert ďRich GirlĒ lyrics here... [Hall & Oates, folks.])



PANEL 1: On an alien planet with multiple moons a large clunky and worn transport starship with the name 'Sanguine' written on the side sits in a impound lot inside a junkyard. Paga, Aira, and Shifterscanner 27 are climbing down a huge pile of junk approaching the fence that separates the junkyard from the impound lot. (Time of day? What is the terrain like? What kind of things are in the junk yard/impound lot? What are the characters doing, are they facing camera? Are they addressing each other? What are their expressions like?)(Looks like much wasn't learned at all. Shame.)



AIRA: I DON'T GET IT.



CAP: AIRA: THE MUSCLE.



PAGA: SO(comma) HERE'S THE PLAN... AGAIN. KRIMZON'S IN THE CLINK, SO(comma) WE'RE GONNA GRAB HIS UPSCALE RIDE AND ANY CARGO LEFT ONBOARD(on-board). BESIDES,(delete this word) HE STILL OWES US FOR THE HELIOS VII INCIDENT.



CAP: PAGA: THE BRAINS.

Click here on 10/3/14 to read more.
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Old 10-02-2014, 10:30 AM   #2
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You tricked me, Steven. It's just a teaser until tomorrow.
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Old 10-02-2014, 08:14 PM   #3
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You tricked me, Steven. It's just a teaser until tomorrow.
I agree with Josh. This is a trick and a tease.
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Old 10-02-2014, 09:13 PM   #4
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I get my work done early, and I get complaints. I get my work done late, and I get crickets....

Maybe I'll just get it done late on Friday (early Saturday for some of you) from here on in. At least I won't get people griping at me.
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Old 10-02-2014, 11:24 PM   #5
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I get my work done early, and I get complaints. I get my work done late, and I get crickets....

Maybe I'll just get it done late on Friday (early Saturday for some of you) from here on in. At least I won't get people griping at me.
You just have excited fans, Steven.
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Old 10-02-2014, 11:33 PM   #6
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Well, it'll be available in a few hours.
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Old 10-03-2014, 08:50 AM   #7
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I'm happy you've been adding links to previous articles on resubs.
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Old 10-04-2014, 09:21 PM   #8
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All of that, and crickets?

No one has anything to say?
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:09 PM   #9
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James,

First of all, thanks for resubmitting. It's great seeing people come back.

Next, I want to say I think the characters of this story are interesting to me visually (from the descriptions last time) and also the core idea could be a fun read. But, as Sam said, right now it's an idea soup.

Last time I didn't really understand what was going on until the editors summed it up. It seems like you are still striving to hit the same main beats with a few minor tweaks. What is the conflict? What's driving the characters? I'm sure that you, as the writer, know. The reader isn't privy to your thoughts. Let us in on the secret with the dialog.

If Paga betrayed (or set up) Krimson, why not let us in on that immediately? Paga thinks looting the ship is safe because Krimson is in prison. Then the bounty hunters show up once "Krimson" returns to his ship. If that's the intention, play it out so we know without guessing. Having the main characters caught in the crossfire between a stowaway Krimson and the Zhur could be interesting. What would their priorities be?

Another thing is I think you may be using the action scene as an "I need action to keep the reader from being bored" as opposed to being organically part of the story. Maybe, as a challenge just to yourself, you could try telling this story with no punching, sword chopping, or kunai throwing. It would force you to find what's important and let the characters carry the story.

Sometimes a script comes through TPG that I hope the writer works at it and comes back again. Honestly, yours was one of them. Keep at it. Dig deep into all the previous TPG entries and Bolts and Nuts. Push yourself. Show us the dedication you have to comics. Good luck, and I hope to see you on the battlegrounds again.
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:33 PM   #10
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I think you pretty much said it all. With art, I can speak with confidence. With scripts, Iím still a boot myself. Until I survive one of these things, I donít feel like I rate to chime in, unless it's with a question. Until then, Itís observation mode. This breakdown and the others have been incredible learning tools. Appreciated.
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Old 10-05-2014, 02:00 PM   #11
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Just like with art critiques, you will learn as much from participating as being the person submitting. Don't shy away. When you submit, don't make it your goal to "survive." Make it your goal to fix the mistakes presented to you the best you can. Come back and make NEW mistakes. Find what will bring this story to life and do it!

And don't be afraid to hire an editor.
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Old 10-05-2014, 06:41 PM   #12
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All of that, and crickets?

No one has anything to say?
Haha. I read it pretty much immediately as it went up. I just don't have much to say, you pretty much said it all: bad punctuation, moving panels, illogical presentation of plot.
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:43 PM   #13
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Thanks for doing the editing Sam and Steven. We got one of Steven's reminiscences which made it worth the ticket price.

(It's free to read, Sam!) (Shhhh.)

But it was a script chock full of mistakes and low-effort writing.
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