Go Back   Digital Webbing Forums > Hosted Forums > ComixTribe > The Proving Grounds

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-31-2014, 02:36 PM   #1
Steven Forbes
Freelance Editor
 
Steven Forbes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: In the moment
Posts: 3,886
Steven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud of

TPG Week 201: Stories Need Real Endings


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Jose Pereira. And for added bonus, today is my wedding anniversary! Nine years to my lovely wife. I love you, sweetheart.



Okay, enough. We've got Samantha LeBas in purple, I'm in the mellow red, and we'll all see if Jose goes



Beyond



Page 1



Panel 1: A small, human-made, civilian spaceship slowly propels itself on a path towards the Proxima Centauri star system. Its engines shine bright blue, as the black and white ship makes its way across the vastness of space. The ship looks strangely unscathed by the rigors of space travel, like it just came out of the assembly line. A futuristic United Nations logo can be seen on the side, and bellow it the name of the ship: “SS Aurora”. (Prosaic. My problems with prosaic panel descriptions are twofold: first, it generally leads to moving panels; and second, if you're writing multiple scripts a month, writing like this can slow you down. Get in and get out. Most of this won't be important to the artist. Schuyler: rewrite this panel description in forty words or less.)



Caption -- November 28th, 2185.

Caption -- 4.1 light-years from Earth.

Click here to read more.
__________________
Learn to make comics at ComixTribe! Be part of the Tribe!
E-Mail me for your editing needs. Twitter: @stevedforbes
"Criticism is an acknowledgment of your ability to produce results." David Gerrold
Steven Forbes is offline   Reply With Quote
Connect With Facebook to "Like" This Thread

Old 11-01-2014, 01:36 PM   #2
Clockworm
Liam Hayes
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 48
Clockworm is on a distinguished road

Hmm... This seemed like the shell of a story. There's a place and a character and a problem, but they don't add up to anything. If I were writing this, I'd ask myself "What am I trying to say?" and then rewrite it from there.

Quote:
Panel 4: Nothing happens. Cat punches the control panel out of frustration. (Moving panel. Someone tell me why.)
This panel will just show Cat punching the control panel without reason. We need to "see" that it did nothing beforehand. And you can't show both in one panel. Additionally, to show "nothing" you need context. An example would be showing a character sat down doing nothing. In one panel, that's not a character doing nothing, that's a character sat down. Two panels of the character sat down and suddenly we have context for this character not doing anything as time has passed.

Cheers
Clockworm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2014, 10:31 PM   #3
SamRoads
Also known as Felix
 
SamRoads's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cardiff, UK
Posts: 308
SamRoads has a spectacular aura aboutSamRoads has a spectacular aura about

I liked the story about Lenora. Especially this: "she didn’t want to look at me because she couldn’t stop smiling when she did."

The submission, not so much. There being no dialogue at all was hard to like, and I struggle to know what the sex scene first page did to reveal character or drive the plot forward. Surely you could cut it out without affecting the story one whit?
__________________
Editor
CreativeScreenwriting.com
"The best magazine for screenwriters" - The LA Times
SamRoads is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2014, 10:49 PM   #4
Steven Forbes
Freelance Editor
 
Steven Forbes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: In the moment
Posts: 3,886
Steven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud of

Thanks, Felix.
__________________
Learn to make comics at ComixTribe! Be part of the Tribe!
E-Mail me for your editing needs. Twitter: @stevedforbes
"Criticism is an acknowledgment of your ability to produce results." David Gerrold
Steven Forbes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 06:55 AM   #5
LukePierce
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 108
LukePierce is a jewel in the roughLukePierce is a jewel in the roughLukePierce is a jewel in the rough

The only bit that seemed to have any kind of interest was the sex and masturbation, which was quite fully described. The remainder was a bit... meh.
LukePierce is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:21 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
© 1997-2015 Digital Webbing, LLC