TPG Week 203: Bad Storytelling

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Toy Spears. We've also got Samantha LeBas in purple, and I'm the overbearing one in red, and we're both going to jump up and down on Toy as they play with the



Sword of the Shadow Moon.





(OH MY GOD... PUT A FREAKING TITLE ON YOUR WORK, OR YOUR NAME, OR SOMETHING. Didn’t you learn anything in second grade? If you want credit for your work, put your name on it.)



PAGE 1&2 (Three PANELS)

PAGE 1&2, Panel 1:

DOUBLE SPLASH - A small valley bathed in moonlight, with lots of trees in every direction around a clearing. A Japanese forrest with tall bamboo clumps here and there. On the right side of the valley stands a large Buddhist Temple surrounded by a stone fence with large posts separating sections of fencing. There is lots of bamboo around the temple. Standing outside the gates of the Temple is a old, bald and fat monk YOSHIHIRO. Yoshihiro wears traditional monk garb of black robes and a large straw Kasa that covers most of his face to above the nose. He holds a shokujou staff in his right hand with the bottom set on the ground. (for shokujou and kasa see pitch board link http://www.pinterest.com/celluloidro...n-pitch-board/)

Panel 2:

SMALL PANEL in upper left. ECU of Feet wearing tabi leaping over a downed tree. (http://jonzou.deviantart.com/art/Drow-tabi-322555281)(Don’t know how you are going to show feet in downward motion and a tree in Extreme close up.)



Panel 3:

SMALL PANEL in lower right. ECU of top of shokujou staff. Tight on the rings. The rings are in motion, vibrating.

SFX 1 : chINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!

(SFX from the rings)


Click here to read more.

[Alyssa]

ECU of her eyes, kind of a 3/4 shot. She is looking up eyes wide.(Is it a close up of a 3/4 shot? I don’t know how it can be both. 3/4 of her eyes showing? You need to rephrase, if so.) (Just writing, without knowing what you’re talking about. Also, make up your mind when it comes to your labels. This cost you a Flawless Victory, because you’re not consistent.)

Pretty sure the author meant that the head is turned to a 3/4 angle, but the panel is just an extreme close-up of her eyes, like so:



Yeah, I totally used an anime pic, because this script reeks of anime.

Personally, I think this is stepping into the realm of micromanagement (I could be wrong). Why not just say it's an extreme close-up of her eyes, and she's looking upwards with wide eyes?

Thanks for another TPG!

[SamRoads]

I think Alyssa is right. I use 3/4 to describe views of characters which are neither profile, nor face on or from behind. Is there a better term?

***

SFX 1 : chINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!

Isn't this 'incorrect' when it comes to writing SFX? I thought there were rules about not having mulitple consonants, nor exclamation marks?

Thanks for doing the work editors!

[Steven Forbes]

There are no hard and fast rules about consonants and punctuation in sound effects. It really comes down to what sound you're trying to replicate, and personal aesthetic.

I had no problem with this SFX. Yannick would have lost his mind, though.

As for a better term, not that I can think of. It's just a bad description, because if you're doing an extreme close up, a 3/4 view isn't going to come off well.

[celluloidsamurai]

rewriting now with tear blurred vision

[Kiyoko, Rin]

Originally Posted by celluloidsamurai

rewriting now with tear blurred vision

Might help to pep you up:

- Mr Forbes never declared your work to be crap. He said you had a ways to go, but at least you didn't deliver a stinker to TPG.

- while training for the French Foreign Legion, recruits are told by the instructors that pain (and in your case, tears) is "weakness leaving the body." You cry; you rewrite; you become stronger.

[Steven Forbes]

Who the hell is "Mr Forbes", and where can I find him so I can kick his ass?!?

[celluloidsamurai]

LOL, no I really do appreciate the critique and take it to heart. The brutality really appears to be genuine love of craft and attempt to help a fledgling like me become a better writer. I do take it to heart and hopefully, will improve my skills because of it.

[SamRoads]

Toy, you have exactly the right attitude. Great stuff. All you need to do to become really good is to get better than you were yesterday, day after day. And keep doing that long enough.

[Kiyoko, Rin]

Originally Posted by Steven Forbes

Who the hell is "Mr Forbes", and where can I find him so I can kick his ass?!?

I'm totally imagining a Fight Club situation, where you're alone in a room, beating yourself up (spoiler alert). Quite how you'd literally kick your own arse*, I'm not sure. Maybe bring your heels up as hard as you can into your own buttocks? Play some Riverdance music at the same time because, yolo, y'know? Yolo.

And, bearing in mind the Oriental nature of the story in this thread, shouldn't it be "Forbes-san"? Forbes-sama? Forbes-dono? __Sensai, __senpai? __oji?!?

(*That damn US spellcheck again, underlining my every Anglicanism in red ink. On a serious note, what's the etiquette for posting on this forum, spelling-wise? If I were to physically mail this to a US postal address and a US editor / publisher, I'd set my phasers to "Yanky". But, this being the internet, I regard it as international waters, where Uk, US, Oz, and the non-native speakers can converse in their mother tongues. Am I wrong?)

[Steven Forbes]

Nope. You're not wrong.

[LukePierce]

Originally Posted by Kiyoko, Rin

I'm totally imagining a Fight Club situation, where you're alone in a room, beating yourself up (spoiler alert). Quite how you'd literally kick your own arse*, I'm not sure. Maybe bring your heels up as hard as you can into your own buttocks? Play some Riverdance music at the same time because, yolo, y'know? Yolo.

More Monty Python and Colin "Bomber" Harris wrestling himself.

I can see that there were an amalgam of influences here and it seems like that there are a lot more people starting to actually realise that they do need a critique for their scripts (manga style especially), which can be no bad thing. There's no real difference to editing Manga-style, although there is more a tendency to go for what "looks good". Saying that, a willingness to get critique is great because, although there are some very long established webcomics out there that use the style, they are generally quite crap and not doing the medium any favours whatsoever.

As an aside, I think Steven might appreciate the character Akira Hattori, as he's an editor passionate about ensuring that not only do stories look good, but that the actual content is great as well (He does make the job of being an editor look amazing).

Back on track, I can see that there are a lot of influences for this story and I think I get the impression that this will become a longer work? Please, correct me if I'm wrong here.
I like the idea of this work and the concept itself is interesting enough to get me wanting to read this. I think with some of the tweaks and general recommendations given, this could be a really excellent piece and, to give Toy a lot of credit, I'm glad that they have taken heart and set out to improve on what they already have.

[celluloidsamurai]

Thanks Luke, It is part of a larger story, and that being said what is the point of getting a critique if you intend to ignore it. I appreciate the work these guys do and I take it to heart. There are areas in the story that they didn't understand and that certainly let me know that it needs to be better. I was not doing my job as a scripter, so I am rewriting it with many of their suggestions, and hopefully it will be clearer in the revision.

[Captainwhizz]

I would say that, regardless of the intent, "kind of a 3/4 shot" is too vague for the artist. If the artist has to sit there and wonder what you mean, and debate whether to contact you or just go with what they feel is right, then that's a bad thing, IMHO.