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Old 12-13-2014, 12:04 AM   #1
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TPG Week 207: Oscillations


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in James Palmer. He's doing something we don't see to often here at TPG—he's using a licensed character. We've got Samantha LeBas in the svelte purple, I'm in the fattening red, and we see how James handles



Rom, Spaceknight in The Return



PAGE 1



SPLASH PANEL 1(Nope. Not ‘splash panel’. ‘Large’ panel, sure, but not ‘splash’ panel.)(I don't have much of a problem with this. The verbiage shows a lack of study, but the artist should know what's meant.)





In the center of a star field, a golden planet hangs, wreathed in clouds.



CAPTION



The planet Galador.



CAPTION



A forgotten world, it was once decimated by fearsome, shape-shifting entities known as(comma) the Dire Wraiths. (I wouldn't add a comma there.)

Click here to read more.
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Old 12-13-2014, 01:03 PM   #2
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Quote:
VOREX: Rom, my liege. We have just received another communication from a race of beings calling themselves Skrulls. They want to enter trade agreements.
Quote:
PANEL 1
Rom waves his hand at the attendant, his face looking grim.

VOREX: Sire, what are Skrulls? (What’s the logic hole here, Schuyler?)
Why would Vorex ask what the Skrulls are, after he just described them?

If Vorex is aware that Rom has encountered the Skrulls previously then he also has a prior knowledge of the Skrulls.

If Vorex has no prior knowledge of the Skrulls, then he would assume that Rom has no prior knowledge.

The question makes no sense. It would be like telling our president that the Greys have sent a communication, then asking him what a Grey was.

Hey James, I would suggest trying to get inside your dialogue. Don't get me wrong. I am not winning any awards for my dialogue. But...

People say things because they want something. If you always know what your characters want, then you will find it easier to know what they are going to say.

Good Luck,

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Old 12-13-2014, 01:49 PM   #3
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I think you missed just a small but important piece there, Schuyler.

You're on the right track and are extremely close. (If it weren't for this small but important part, I'd be totally satisfied with this answer.)

Look again. It's staring you in the face. When you find it, take the thought to its logical conclusion.
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Old 12-13-2014, 02:07 PM   #4
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I think you missed just a small but important piece there, Schuyler.

You're on the right track and are extremely close. (If it weren't for this small but important part, I'd be totally satisfied with this answer.)

Look again. It's staring you in the face. When you find it, take the thought to its logical conclusion.
Oh, mmmm?

Well, I did just notice that Vorex says it is the second communication from the Skrulls. Trade is lucrative and many cultures want more of it. I would think that after the first request for trade they would have done some research on the Skrulls, and know exactly who they are and what they are about. And then it would be Vorex's job to inform Rom of their position and goals, and even a physical description. Not the other way around.

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Old 12-13-2014, 02:10 PM   #5
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There you go.

(And I wouldn't limit it to just two communications. All it says is "another." It could have been the third or the sixteenth.)

Good work, Schuyler.
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Old 12-13-2014, 02:15 PM   #6
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There you go.

(And I wouldn't limit it to just two communications. All it says is "another." It could have been the third or the sixteenth.)

Good work, Schuyler.
Thanks, Steven.
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Old 12-14-2014, 10:37 AM   #7
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Thanks Sam and Steven.

The removal of a hand from a shoulder is a moving panel. This is because you can't show a negative. Either the hand is on the shoulder, or it is not.

When you put the hand on the shoulder we know that the hand must have got there somehow. So our brains fill in the gap.

But there's no way to show the hand coming off the shoulder in the same way.

You could do one of those 'Daredevil' style things with ghost versions of the hand being pulled away. Probably not out of place amongst this 1960s dialogue.

****

On a different point, I disagree with Sam on the stylistic dialogue editing.

Maybe Rom talks in short sentences. I know I have characters who do that. It suits them. It suit their character. They like it. We like it. It's fine.

Other characters, like Stephen Fry, the actor, writer and general wit, or perhaps J.R.R. Tolkien, writer of such pendulous fantasy tales as The Lord of the Rings, prefer longer, complex sentences with endless clauses and subclauses that, like Proust's madelaines, take a moment to dissolve on the tongue of the reader's mind.

I don't think James is necessarily doing this, but I reckon editors should be cautious when it comes to speech patterns in dialogue.

(I know it's definitely a thing with US vs Australasia vs UK English.)
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Old 12-14-2014, 06:38 PM   #8
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From page 7, panel 2:

"Close-up of the sphere, where we see a door open in the side, and a dark shape emerge, casting a shadow covering miles of buildings. (Talk about something that just doesn’t make sense! Someone tell me why. I don’t care who.)"

Close ups of spheres that also show miles of nearby buildings do not go together. One or the other, unless (conceivably) it's from a birds' eye view from a really skewed angle.

There might also be an issue of just how strong the light source from inside the sphere is that it casts a shadow over MILES of buildings (yet leaves Galactus himself completely un-illuminated and a "dark shape") but hey ho, this is Galactus we're talking about. Anyone who can build an Ultimate Nullifier is bound to have pimped his light bulb.

Also, in the preceding panel it says the sky turns dark - in which case, we wouldn't be able to see any shadow - but I'll give the benefit of the doubt here and assume the sky turned dark not because it's night, but because the sphere's eclipsing the sun in one panel and isn't in the next.

... On second thoughts, scrap the benefit of the doubt. Basic physics tells me that if the sphere's descending then it will continue to cause an eclipse from panel to panel. Because it's even closer to the surface, the population has even less chance of seeing around it.

Last edited by Kiyoko, Rin; 12-15-2014 at 12:40 PM.
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Old 12-16-2014, 08:27 AM   #9
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PANEL 2



Her face takes on a sad look, and we see a panel of her fighting alongside Rom Spaceknight as Starshine, killing Dire Wraiths that lunge for them. (So is this one panel, or two? Your wording is confusing. Is this meant to show her face and the flashback? How should it be indicated that this is panel is a flashback?) (Confusing, yes, but I get a sense of what’s being said. Luke Pierce: fix this, and add the thing that James forgot.)

Bloody hell.

First off, for this to be a single panel, we need a camera angle.

Secondly, there's too many movements as well.

Thirdly, Rom Spaceknight as Starshine is confusing. I don't know if the character is the same or if they're separate. I'll assume that they're both.

So I'd probably go with:

-------------

PANEL 2

Medium shot of BRANDY back to back with STARSHINE in a defensive/offensive manner as they are in the midst of being attacked by the Dire Wraiths.

BRANDY has a sad look on her face, even as she has deflected one of the Dire Wraiths. STARSHINE has struck a killing blow on another.

In the background, there are (number?) Dire Wraiths in various attack stances, with a feral look, all ready for their turn to attack the pair.

Caption (BRANDY): All those lives lost…


-------------

I think this is what you were angling for, but this is certainly how I saw this scene panning out.
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Old 12-16-2014, 08:34 AM   #10
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Okay. Just a little more guidance.

Brandy IS Starshine.

Now, how does that change things for you?
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Old 12-16-2014, 11:56 AM   #11
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Okay, that changes things a lot.

I'll have to rethink this now.
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Old 12-16-2014, 12:35 PM   #12
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Okay, got it, I think.

------------------

Panel 1

CLOSE UP of Brandy’s face.

Artist note: This is technically two panels, but we’ll be using her hair as a framing device for the second panel.

BRANDY is looking from right to left, her face looking saddened from recalling a painful memory. Her hair billows behind her, to frame the next scene.

As we look at her, the right hand side is shaded and gradually blacked out to suggest her inner thoughts.

Going into the blackened “panel”:

Medium shot of STARSHINE (BRANDY) back-to-back with ROM SPACEKNIGHT in a defensive/offensive manner as they are in the midst of being attacked by the Dire Wraiths.

STARSHINE has deflected one of the Dire Wraiths whilst ROM has struck a killing blow on another.

In the background, there are a number of Dire Wraiths in various attack stances, with a feral look, all ready for their turn to attack the pair (actual number no more than 10 to lessen the panel crowding?).

Letterer note: First caption should be where the panel begins to blacken.

Caption (BRANDY): It was worth it. All those sacrifices…

Letterer note: And this one near the bottom right of the panel.

Caption (BRANDY): All those lives lost…


------------------

Nearer the mark this time?
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