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Old 01-09-2015, 06:04 AM   #1
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TPG Week 211: Minor Tweaks Needed


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, our Brave One is no stranger to us: Sam Roads! (I call him Felix because I keep mixing him up with another Sam R. Remember, folks: I'm not smart.) We've got Sam-antha (another Sam!) LeBas in purple, I'm the guy in red, and let's see what happens when Sam

Cryowulf

(Bad joke attempt. Remember, I'm not smart. Go with it.)

PAGE 1

1.) A fraction of the curve of a vast gas giant planet is on the edge of the panel, top left. Canted (gas giant) rings dominate the panel. A space station hangs below the rings, dwarfed by the surroundings.

Letterer: The following is a prayer, so the line breaks need to be where they are. (This? I like this. Sam is telling the letterer exactly what's needed, so things don't go “strange” with how Sam wants it to look. I like it.)

Crow (comes from the station, iTalics)

Source of creation,

Illuminate the system,

Unshadow man's sin.

Crow (comes from the station, italics)

We, inner servants, (The inner servants? Your inner servants? setting it off this way makes it seem like you are addressing the inner servants instead of referring to them.)

bring only balance,

unTil our day of rest.

Click here to read more.
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Old 01-09-2015, 08:38 AM   #2
Kiyoko, Rin
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You can tell SamRoads / Felix is one of the accomplished and experienced ones, as his script had panels that were largely uninterrupted by red / purple / blue critiques. Most of the rest of us have a ratio of one comment per panel; the really new comic writers have more words from the editors than from the writer.

Kudos, SamRoadsFelix.
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Old 01-09-2015, 08:52 AM   #3
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Thanks for doing the edits Sam and Steven. I really appreciate your taking the time to do this wonderful service, for free. You rock. (Or, apparently in Steven's case, you rap).

I'm glad it's basically working. This is the start of a 100-130 page graphic novel, set in a world in which I suspect I could write sequels, so I guess that means I got the pacing about OK.

Whilst my current day job is in screenwriting (I edit a magazine), my background is actually game writing. I have never written a film script!
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Old 01-14-2015, 11:10 AM   #4
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I’m a very, VERY young writer. Motivated, eager to learn, starting my associate’s in creative writing, etc… I’ve been following TPG for a while now and it’s been great. I’ve learned countless things. Where am I going with all this? Well, for what it’s worth… I just want to congratulate SamRoads/Felix for this script.

I immediately felt that this was the beginning of a graphic novel (don’t know why, just did.) and I loved the way it was paced out with that in mind. What I ABSOLUTELY loved is the dialogue. It’s one of my strongest areas of improvement in my opinion, and reading such rich and natural dialogue was awesome.
Congratz Felix, keep it up!! I’d love to read this as finished work some day.
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Old 01-14-2015, 06:17 PM   #5
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Aww shucks! Thanks Fabian, that's a really nice thing to say.

You might want to check out
www.facebook.com/KristoGraphicNovel
www.facebook.com/SiliconHeart
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