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#1 |
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TPG Week 214: Poncing Around
![]() Michael’s Wolf Page 1 Panel 1: A man (Michael) is walking down the long corridor of a darkened hospital, we can only see the back of him. It is night time and the hospital appears abandoned. A large cobweb can be seen to Michael’s right at the first of two doorways leading off the corridor. The wall to his left is high and dark, almost over shadowing him. (The wall to his left is the same size as the wall to the right, surely? Unless this hospital is lopsided?) (Le wow! Talk about a sentence that makes no sense! Felix, what's wrong with this sentence, in context of everything that's gone before it?) A window at the end of the hospital corridor lets moonlight beam through it (the only light illuminating the panel). Michael wears a fine tailored suit, one hand in his pants pocket. His hair is pushed back, sleek and powerful, almost like he had fallen straight out of the television screen during an episode of Mad Men. We can only see the back of him here. (To be honest, I'm almost ready to set the Line of Demarcation right here. Wow.) Caption: One million dollars by twenty-one. Click here to read more.
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#2 | |
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Quote:
Well, my shadow was always shorter than me. My kitchen does not have a tall ceiling, so the overhead light is pretty low to the ground. My conclusion, is that the shadow could not be projected on the wall as enormous or intimidating, unless the light source was very low to the ground. I say projected because that's how light works. It projects. I don't know if this was what Steven wanted, but I sure had fun with it. Somebody has to drop a flashlight in order for this to work. Not impossible, but would need to be written into the script in an organic way. -Sky
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"There, now you're trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors." "The big brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Mhwahaha! Now, I am leaving Earth for no raisin!" Last edited by Schuyler; 01-30-2015 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Comma and misspell, more commas |
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#3 |
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The most shocking thing about this TPG: that Steven has never seen Titanic
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#4 | |
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Think about the setting again, and give it another shot. You're on the right track, though.
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#5 | |
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Somehow, I'm going to continue to live. I'll muddle through.
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#6 | |
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Quote:
No electricity in the abandoned hospital. Flashlight still works, though.
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"There, now you're trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors." "The big brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Mhwahaha! Now, I am leaving Earth for no raisin!" |
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#7 | |
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Good work, Schuyler!
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#8 |
@AlyCro
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Hey, Steven! Your ending paragraph has broken links again.
Just so you know. ![]() Plotz Gal shall give her 2 cents before bed, if she doesn't crash and burn earlier than usual. ![]() |
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#9 | ||||||
@AlyCro
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Close? ![]() |
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#10 |
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More than close.
Perfect.
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#11 | |
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Quote:
Panel 1: Creepy Man (a spindly, archetypal nerd with a comb over, wearing outdated wire rimmed glasses, a white polo shirt, dorky green trousers) slumps against the wall, looking at the ceiling. The full moon is shining past bare branches and through the window to illuminate him. Make the panel eerie . (49 words.) (1. Not sure if “window above” meant “directly above” i.e. a skylight, which would make sense as that's where he's looking, or “adjacent-and-on-a-higher-elevation-than-his-head”, which would make sense re: tree branches being outside the hospital rather than looming above it. Plumped for the latter. 2. As I’ve never seen a polo shirt with a pocket - because, c’mon, who wants to ride around ON HORSEBACK, PLAYING POLO with stuff in their pocket that could impale them if they fell? – I ignored the note about pens. 3. According to Bette Midler, the script for Titanic could be summed up in two words: “Jack?” “Rose!” There, Mr. Forbes. I’ve just saved you three hours of movie watching time.) |
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#12 |
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The one thing that boggles my mind is the fact that creepy guy intentionally brought attention upon himself.
It could have been that he was looking for help and didn't know what Michael was going to do, except that he seemed to already know what was going to happen. It could have been that he knew what was going to happen and was ready to accept his fate, except he proceeded to beg for his life. As it is, he essentially goes "Pssst. Hey. I know you're here to kill me, but please, for the love of God, don't!" |
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#13 |
Also known as Felix
Join Date: May 2012
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How do you know a guy is creepy-looking? Just wondering. Is it bad hair? TV generally equates good looks with heroicism and bad looks with villainy. Phrenology is still with us, I suppose.
The wall which over-shadows him. The light source is later stated to be from the window in the distance. For any shadow to be falling on him from the leftmost wall, it would require a light source beyond that wall. However, I don't know what's weirder. That, or the left wall being 'high'. Maybe this is an odd way of saying 'the ceilings are high'. But really I'm reaching. I simply don't understand. Anyway, a grim script lovingly worked over by The Liamey and the King of All Editing. Thanks fellas.
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#14 | ||
@AlyCro
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I wrote an article on conflict in the stupid hours before the sun rose this morning. Steven told me to apply the same analysis to this script.
So, here I go. ![]() PAGE ONE: A man walks down an apparently abandoned, clinical-looking corridor. He's thinking about how rich and successful he is. There's a whisper from one of the doors, and his thoughts take a turn. Quote:
So not only does this line not contribute to the reader's sympathy for the character, it actively turns the reader off. He's a millionaire with everything he could wish for, what's his problem? If he lost everything through no fault of his own, on the other hand, that might change the sympathy aspect, but there's still no real conflict here, that I can see. No biggie, though. There aren't that many comics that begin conflict right on the first page. PAGE TWO The MC confronts a spindly little man- someone who physically poses no threat to the MC, and seems resigned to roll over and die, in any case. The MC undresses. Quote:
PAGE THREE Close up of the MC's wedding ring. The MC transforms into a werewolf. The spindly man is terrified. The wedding band has potential to present conflict, but it's wasted. There's no conflict on this page. The man poses no threat to the MC in any way. He's not proving to be an obstacle preventing the MC from reaching his goal (and that goal is pretty empty... the MC simply wants to kill off this lowlife). PAGE FOUR Werewolf transformation completes. No conflict here, either. PAGE FIVE Werewolf eats spindly man and howls. As above. I bought the horror anthology "In The Dark". There's a werewolf story, called "Set Me Free" (but Jody Leheup and Dalibor Talajic) that ends with a werewolf transformation and hapless victim. There's conflict right off the bat, because the MC is trying to get home from a late shift at work before midnight of a full moon. He gets stuck in an elevator with some poor lovely older lady with an "unfair injury" (she has terminal cancer). The MC desperately wants to leave the elevator before he turns. He can't, though, and resigns to his (and the lady's) fate. He decides that the least he can do is bring the woman some inner peace before her end. He helps her come to terms with her husband's death, her daughter's distance, and her terminal cancer. Then he turns into a werewolf. Conflict, and resolution, with a tragic ending (because it's a horror). Is this what you were looking for, Steven? |
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#15 |
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Yep!
Good work here, Alyssa!
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