TPG Week 216: Writing Challenge Entry 1

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week's Brave One is no stranger to what goes on here: Rin Kiyoko!

I'm going to be alone this week. Liam had some unexpected things come up, so it's just me and my unseemly red rage!

We do have some things going on for the next few weeks, though. I ran a writng challenge a few weeks ago over at Digital Webbing. The rules were simple:

The story cannot be longer than 5 pages

The story cannot be a tragedy

There must be an artificial intelligence involved

There must be at least 50 words of spoken dialogue

The word “enlightenment” must be in the dialogue

String cheese must be an object, not just mentioned

They don't call it a challenge for nothing, right?

As an added bonus, I stipulated that if I had at least four entries from four different people, then I would write one myself.

I then further stipulated that if five people submitted theirs here, then I would submit mine, as well.

So, for the next seven weeks or so, it's going to be all about this writing challenge, with my own also thrown in the mix.

Expect to see the rules of the challenge at the start of each of those entries.

I think I'm all done. Let's see how Rin does with

WITH APOLOGIES TO LUTON

Page 1 (6 panels)

Panel 1.

Close up of a newspaper photo: onstage at an awards ceremony, a nerdy Indian in a suit and turban grins as he points to a slab-like super computer with a light bulb head. A cap-and-gowned university professor grins as he points to the computer from the other side. A finger – Dean’s – is encroaching from the right to point at the photo.

DEAN (OP)

Look at this, Willoughby. An M.I.T. student named Nanou has made the world’s first completely autonomous, self aware artificial intelligence. It has an IQ of 3000. They call it “The Awesome Orsen.” (Okay! Artificial intelligence in there! And for those of us of a certain age, you should see some jokes coming from a mile away.)

TEXT (engraved on Orsen’s front):

Orsen

TEXT (photo caption):

Nano Nanou! Come in, Orsen! (If you don't get it...you need more pop culture in your diet.)

Click here to read more.

[Kiyoko, Rin]

Thanks for this.

Yep, I screwed up the names on page 2 panels 5 and 6. It should be Doug's hand that's doing stuff, not Dean's.

Hilarious, right?

(Scurries away to the sound of a slow clap.)

[JasonEnosArt]

Steven, I think I got the puns.

"Joined up" is the British term for cursive. So, when he's asking, what kind of writing, he's meaning handwriting.

Also, I think I get the "I found a pound", too. He's referencing the British Pound, like money, but instead sounds like he's found a pound of boogers.

[DarkHalf05]

Panel 5.

Dean looks shocked at panel left. At panel right, Dean’s whole hand has disappeared up his bulging nostril. (Nope. Reverse these two figures. Why is that, Ryan Kroboth?)

I think this panel, similarly to last week, breaks the "180 rule". Panel one establishes Dean is on the left of the panel, with the door and the students on the right of the panel. The way this panel reads is the Dean is looking to the left, which would mean he is on the right of the panel.

It is possible that the way it's worded throws off the meaning, along with the oversight of writing Dean in the panel twice.

Something I'm curious about, Rin, is which of the two characters are you intending as the main focus for the laughs? For comedy I would suggest having your setup on the left portion of the panel, and the "punchline" on the right. Think of Peanuts, when Lucy pulls the ball away she is on the left, and Charlie Brown falling down (the punchline) is on the right. I think Doug is the funnier of the two, but it could go either way depending on your intentions.

Now it's time to get out the pencil and paper and start my next part!

[Kiyoko, Rin]

Originally Posted by JasonEnosArt

"Joined up" is the British term for cursive. So, when he's asking, what kind of writing, he's meaning handwriting.

Also, I think I get the "I found a pound", too. He's referencing the British Pound, like money, but instead sounds like he's found a pound of boogers.

Spot on, JasonEnosArt! ("Spot on" being British for "Exactly right".) Didn't intend the confusion between £ and Lb - in the Shannon Wheeler original, it was a quarter that was pulled out of the character's nose.

Which of the two characters are you intending as the main focus for the laughs? For comedy I would suggest having your setup on the left portion of the panel, and the "punchline" on the right.

Great tip, Ryan, thanks! I'd leave the layout completely to the artist, so if (you / they) thought Doug was funnier, then by all means make him the end focus. Personally, I swing towards the Ricky Gervais mindset. When he wrote (the original / UK version of) The Office, he wanted it not to be about the punchline, but the reaction to the punchline, so, being a noob, I'd maKe Dean the focus. (Although, having said that, I didn't know about or apply the 180 rule when I wrote it.)

[DarkHalf05]

Hm. P4 as a splash with insets, which I totally understand.

What I don’t get is the uneven number of insets. It’s going to be set up wrong.

Ryan, I’m going to need your help with this again.

This was pretty challenging. This was my solution.



I first tried a layout with two insets stacked on the left, and three stacked vertically on the right. I had a small offset from the left side to the right side, but it didn't leave much room for the main image and it looked off to me.

So I realized I was going to have to use more space along the bottom of the page. Again, I used a small offset on the panels to make sure that it is (hopefully) obvious which panel to read first.

The dialog is doing much of the heavy lifting for eye flow. My intent is that we enter the page at the top left, read the two pieces of dialog which point back to Stan. The angle of his body is pointed back towards the first inset to move the eye there, meeting the dialog for that panel. The rest of the page follows a normal comic layout.

This was a fun page to thumb out.

[DarkHalf05]

Originally Posted by Kiyoko, Rin

Great tip, Ryan, thanks! I'd leave the layout completely to the artist, so if (you / they) thought Doug was funnier, then by all means make him the end focus. Personally, I swing towards the Ricky Gervais mindset. When he wrote (the original / UK version of) The Office, he wanted it not to be about the punchline, but the reaction to the punchline, so, being a noob, I'd maKe Dean the focus. (Although, having said that, I didn't know about or apply the 180 rule when I wrote it.)

Like I said, it could go either way. There is nothing wrong about having the reaction be the comedy! Perhaps just mention your intent to the artist so they know what you're going for. Together you will work it out.

Keep submitting, Rin, as I really enjoy reading your scripts.