Go Back   Digital Webbing Forums > Hosted Forums > ComixTribe > The Proving Grounds

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-21-2015, 02:13 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
Freelance Editor
 
Steven Forbes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: In the moment
Posts: 3,886
Steven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud ofSteven Forbes has much to be proud of

TPG Week 217: Writing Challenge Entry 2


Hello, one and all, and welcome back to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have someone who's no stranger here: Alyssa Crow is this week's Brave One! We have Samantha LeBas in purple, and I'm in red, and we have the second script from the Digital Webbing writing challenge I did.

Let's go over the rules again:

The story cannot be longer than 5 pages

The story cannot be a tragedy

There must be an artificial intelligence involved

There must be at least 50 words of spoken dialogue

The word “enlightenment” must be in the dialogue

String cheese must be an object, not just mentioned

Pretty straightforward rules, right?

Well, let's see how Alyssa does.

PAGE ONE (6 panels)

PANEL #1

It’s late morning, what light makes it down into the narrow street is warm (This last part is prose. It cannot be drawn.). We’re looking at EDMÉ more or less front-on, who is happily peddling a rusted bicycle on nothing but bent rims, whistling a tune. He's carrying a small, patched duffle-bag over his shoulder, bursting with mail (the word “mail” is written on the side of the bag in big letters made of masking tape). We can see some of the SCI-FI SLUM stretching out behind him. (Knowing what I know from the end of the story, I have to wonder if he would look so carefree. Should he be a little nervous here?) (Just a quick note: I deleted some info from this. Character descriptions, location descriptions... I cut 'em because while they're a great thing to have, I'm more interested in getting to the important stuff.)

EDMÉ

♪♫

PANEL #2

Edmé is breaking in from the left of the panel, riding down the alley towards a brightly painted PRISS'S HOUSE at the end of the road (main focal point, towards the right of the panel). PRISS'S form can be seen in the single second-storey window.

EDMÉ



Click here to read more.
__________________
Learn to make comics at ComixTribe! Be part of the Tribe!
E-Mail me for your editing needs. Twitter: @stevedforbes
"Criticism is an acknowledgment of your ability to produce results." David Gerrold
Steven Forbes is offline   Reply With Quote
Connect With Facebook to "Like" This Thread

Old 02-21-2015, 07:52 AM   #2
Alyssa
@AlyCro
 
Alyssa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Aussieland
Posts: 447
Alyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to all

And I finally got another TPG entry in! How long's it been since my last one? A year?

Thanks so much Steven & Sam! I know you guys don't hold back, so it's pretty bloody brilliant to see such a small amount of coloured text in there.

Here's a PDF of the full script I sent to TPG, for anyone who missed the Writing Challenge thread: http://alyssacrow.com/wp-content/upl...ESE-alycro.pdf

Quote:
It’s late morning, what light makes it down into the narrow street is warm (This last part is prose. It cannot be drawn.).
I was attempting to give some colour direction. Superfluous and not well described, I see now.

Quote:
(Knowing what I know from the end of the story, I have to wonder if he would look so carefree. Should he be a little nervous here?)
Great point!

Quote:
(Would it be better for the voice to be somewhat robotic? More Siri than Cortana? Just wondering. It isn’t wrong. If you wanted it more robotic, it doesn’t even need to be electric. The word balloon could be a rounded rectangle instead of an oval.)
I thought it'd be kind of endearing to have her speak so proper when she LOOKS like a clunker. Though, I do agree that her bubbles should be formatted differently. What's the best way to approach that? A quick note to the letterer, or write something like "DIDI (ELEC)" for the copy tag?

Quote:
(So, I am not sure that this is a revelation, so far as the content, but I have to commend your form, and knowledge of pacing. This does everything a page 1 should. Let’s look at it. Panel 1 – Introduction of character and setting. Panel 2 – Introduction of broader setting and additional character. Panel 3 – Introduction of conflict. Panel 4 – Move into interior setting, introduction of third character. Panel 5 – Reveal that Didi is a robot, create interest, show her voice. Panel 6 – Hanging question to make us turn the page. What does she care for, then? Really well done.)
To be honest, I only thought as far as setting up some conflict and then putting a small hook for the page turn. So thanks for the analysis, Sam! Concretes things in my head a little better.

Quote:
What I would do, though, is make the ending panel stronger. How? A little bit more dialogue. Something to show what she’s really into. Flustered? Wringing her hands? Or just a little more to get us that much more interested to turn the page? Almost anything can work, but it needs to be added.
So, ramp up the conflict some more?

Quote:
I’m not sure how the accent relates to the post apocalyptic setting,
I don't know, either, to be honest. I figure we don't know how people in the future will talk (I imagine it'd be some sort of variation on how fashion runs in cycles), but I wanted it to be distinct. That's what popped out. If I were working on a big project, I think I'd spend more time considering the language, or at least make sure the way folk speak is properly set up with the world-building.

Quote:
[COLOR="rgb(153, 50, 204)"]I have questions, like: where would one find string cheese in the Mad Max post apocalypse, but I don’t really care.[/COLOR]
LOL. I thought exactly this as I was writing it. If I were going to publish this I'd probably change the food item to something more appropriate but equally pathetic.

Quote:
I’ve got nothing bad to say about this. That’s what’s terrible! I don’t have anything bad to say!
Don't worry, dude. I'll fix that right up with the next script I send your way.

Quote:
(I’m actually okay with the repeat shots here, because it is a humour beat.)
I was very unsure about the repeated shots when I wrote them, because that was one of the things I got pinged on in my first TPG entry. But, this time, I felt it actually fit the story. Glad to see I wasn't off track.

Thanks again, editors! Now if only I can manage to write a decent script next time 'round, I'll be laughin'!
__________________
My personal website!
My Twitter!
Alyssa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2015, 02:06 PM   #3
SamRoads
Also known as Felix
 
SamRoads's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cardiff, UK
Posts: 308
SamRoads has a spectacular aura aboutSamRoads has a spectacular aura about

Great job Sam and Steven. Just because you didn't have to go crazy with the blue pencil doesn't mean it wasn't work. Thank you.

And well done Alyssa! I enjoyed the story very much. Ping me if ever you want someone to look over a script. I'd be delighted to.
__________________
Editor
CreativeScreenwriting.com
"The best magazine for screenwriters" - The LA Times
SamRoads is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-27-2015, 01:54 AM   #4
Alyssa
@AlyCro
 
Alyssa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Aussieland
Posts: 447
Alyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to allAlyssa is a name known to all

Quote:
Originally Posted by SamRoads View Post
Great job Sam and Steven. Just because you didn't have to go crazy with the blue pencil doesn't mean it wasn't work. Thank you.

And well done Alyssa! I enjoyed the story very much. Ping me if ever you want someone to look over a script. I'd be delighted to.
Thanks, Sam! Be careful- I may just take you up on that offer!
__________________
My personal website!
My Twitter!
Alyssa is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:55 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
© 1997-2015 Digital Webbing, LLC