TPG Week 222: Writing Challenge 7

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Greg Thayer!

We also have Liam Hayes back in blue, while I'm the jerk in red.

This is also the last entry of the writing challenge. Normally, I'd go over the rules of it, but as you'll soon see, Greg did it for me.

So, let's all see how he did this week!

Writing Challenge

By Greg Thayer

PAGE ONE (two panels)

Panel 1. Daytime. Close-up of a computer screen. On the screen is a forum post from Digital Webbing. (A link to the post would be great.)

TEXT(post):

Okay, folks.

It's been a while since we've done any challenges in here, and since one of our alumni needs help, I figured we'd start doing some.

Here are the rules:

The story cannot be longer than 5 pages.

The story cannot be a tragedy.

There must be an artificial intelligence involved.

There must be at least 50 words of spoken dialogue.

The word "enlightenment" must be in the dialogue.

String cheese must be an object, not just mentioned.

The challenge ends on 1/10/15.

Post all stories in this thread.

Let's have some fun!

MIKE(OP):

This really isn't my kinda thing...

MATT(OP):

I'm not asking you to do it for me.

Panel 2. A small bedroom. Mike (early twenties, short, curly brown hair, polo shirt) is sitting in a computer chair at a desk, his right hand on the mouse. He is looking at the computer monitor in front of him. Matt (early twenties, long brown hair, band teeshirt and jeans) is sitting on the bed next to the computer desk. He is holding a piece of string cheese in his right hand. (Expressions? Body language? Act these guys.)


Click here to read more.

[gmartyt]

Thanks Steven and Liam for the edits.

He is holding his right arm out in front of him. (That’s a bit vague. What is he actually doing?)

It's supposed to be held out in a gesture of disbelief. It remains due to forgetfulness.

That was eight words just now. (Was it? From when? The last panel? Why wasn’t Mike’s line counted from this panel?)

It's supposed to be the number of words in the last panel. Mike's line wasn't counted because Matt wasn't paying attention. I thought about putting Matt's line first, but I thought doing so would make Mike's line lose it's meaning.

Matt is walking over to Mike. Mike looks angry. (He’s been angry for a while now. The artist isn’t going to change his expression unless you state otherwise.)

If that's the case, how would one write a panel description in which there is no change from the last one, like a pause? Or should those be avoided altogether?

Thanks again for the edits.

[Schuyler]

Originally Posted by gmartyt

If that's the case, how would one write a panel description in which there is no change from the last one, like a pause? Or should those be avoided altogether?

Thanks again for the edits.

I noticed this same thing in your script that I read. You would tell us an emotion and then keep telling us that emotion in each new panel. I think you would be better off describing facial expressions, that way your characters could have slight changes in emotion from panel to panel. It won't seem so static. Just a thought...

[SamRoads]

Great submission and wonderful editing from the dynamic duo. Thanks Liam and Steven!

I like the idea of the story, but rewrite it for more fun. At the least, have them going somewhere or doing something.

[Kiyoko, Rin]

On a separate note, why is the British Mr Hayes using American spelling? "Favorite. Humor." Has he emigrated?

[DarkHalf05]

Originally Posted by Kiyoko, Rin

On a separate note, why is the British Mr Hayes using American spelling? "Favorite. Humor." Has he emigrated?

I'm pretty sure it's all part of his plot to take over the world.