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Old 04-10-2015, 10:50 AM   #1
Steven Forbes
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TPG Week 224: Padding and the 'Splode


Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Galen Schultz. We have Liam Hayes in blue, and I'm the one losing their mind in red, and we're all going to see how Galen does as he treads

High Water

PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1 is a thin, full wide panel looking down from extreme distance, showing seagulls in flight. (Unclear. Are we looking down at the seagulls from extreme distance or are we looking at something in the extreme distance with sea gulls in foreground/mid ground. Not a big issue in itself, but clarity is key to getting your point across.) A high cliff at the end of a land mass with ocean surrounding it can be seen below and trailing into the far distance. This entire coastline is forty foot cliffs with very narrow sandy strips at their feet. The sun is a couple hours above the water, so shadows are long.

Panel 2 is a little thicker, full wide, showing a closer view of the cliff, which has a town (Longshore) a hundred yards from the edge of the cliff. (Hm... I'd have like to have seen this town in panel one. I think we should have, really.) There is a very thick wall (Material?) surrounding it, though it is crumbling (Stone then, I presume.) in places. Any buildings in the town are going to be squat, single-story affairs with roofs sloped away from the ocean (west, for reference). In the western edge of the town a raised scaffold in a deserted square can be seen with one man in the center (In the center of the scaffold or the square? I'll assume you meant square.), and three off in a group a little further away. Longshore is otherwise abandoned.

Panel 3 is the top-left quadrant for the next four panels. Show a close up of Ashley with a noose around his neck. Grimacing cough. (So he was on the scaffold? You need to be clearer.) Three days of stubble.

ASHLEY:

Cough (Put asterisks round that. Otherwise it looks like he's just saying cough, unless your letterer knows what they're doing.)

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Old 04-10-2015, 03:10 PM   #2
Beardywriterface
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Hgjuuuck! Ouch, my all of the things!

Well, that was a little more brutal than I thought it would be. Thank you guys for your input. I was hoping you'd at least get to page 8... but I think that's exactly part of the problem you were talking about.

Okay! Regroup, reload, retry. You've given me a lot to think about.

And for what it's worth... I wanted to be a novelist in high school, and this issue was a sequence I ripped out of a story I'd written then when I got the idea for this one. Exhibit 1 of cramming square peg into round hole?

Thanks again guys. Back to work!
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Old 04-13-2015, 06:41 PM   #3
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Quote:
LEYTA:

We don’t know who all will be up there, but I have a feeling it’ll be more than just Greco’s boys.
This is a good line to build tension. When you're doing your re-write, I'd move this line up from page 5. Consider putting it before a page turn with the next panel the reveal.

I'd also reconsider some of the dialogue. I don't know where or when it's set (by which I mean if it's on Earth in a specific era), but because of the words "lardass" and phrases like "full disclosure" this feels very contemporary.
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Old 04-25-2015, 01:50 AM   #4
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Rin,

I wanted contemporary speech patterns juxtaposed with a setting we'd relate to the Golden Age of Piracy (17th and early 18th century) but no, it definitely does not take place on Earth.

I also rewrote that line for better foreshadowing, placed it in a more strategic scene, and then went ahead and completely rewrote this script. I know I still have a lot to learn, but it took somebody slapping my baby for me to realize I was doing us both a giant disservice by writing how I did. I feel better, and it looks worlds better. I think.
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