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Old 05-08-2015, 07:40 AM   #1
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TPG Week 228: Not Bad For A First Timer


Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Eric Brackett. We have Liam Hayes in blue, I'm the lazy one in red, and we're all going to see how Eric handles the

Vortex

ONE (three panels)

Panel 1: Several men are standing in the center of a large warehouse. Aside from the relatively clear center area the rest of the room is lined with crates and moving equipment such as forklifts. Vortex is crouched behind a row of crates watching the scene unfold before him. He is a young man of slender build and average height wearing a costume made of silvery white material complete with a hooded cloak. The center of his costume depicts a swirling black and purple vortex. (Put character description on another page. It'll help declutter the actual panel description.) There are six armed men standing guard around two men in the center of the room. The two men in the center are wearing business suits. (This panel description goes back to front. From the men, to Vortex and back again. It's confusing.) (There's also no placement of your main character. Maybe it doesn't matter, but it also shows you're not thinking very visually.)

Panel 2: A similar shot to the one above, but the focus should be on the two men in the center of the room. (So not at all similar? I don't see the need for that specification.) One of them is carrying suitcase and the other is holding an open wooden box that contains a red gemstone. (We should've seen this a panel earlier. Already your artist is going to have to backtrack in your script. Don't irritate your artist like that.)

VORTEX (thought): The Sunstone. According to Japanese myth it once served as the crown jewel in the Sun Goddess’s regalia and possesses supernatural powers. (This is blunt exposition. Can you get this is in without being on-the-nose?)

Click here to read more.
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Old 05-08-2015, 01:09 PM   #2
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Its nice to see 2 decent submissions in a row. It kinda restores my faith in humanity.
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Old 05-10-2015, 05:54 PM   #3
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Thanks Steven and Liam!

Thought bubbles can be OK. These ones are difficult because a.) the dialogue is utterly direct and b.) they are dovetailed in between actual dialogue, from Vortex.

I notice that every single bit of dialogue is from Vortex. It's basically monologue, which (unless you're Shakespeare) is often dull.

I have a big problem with Moonlight's magical appearance. The where, how and why of the vast werewolf's entrance is apparently not relevant.

As StevenH said though, nice to have some scripts from people who have clearly read lots of Bolts and Nuts, or other comic-writing tuition.
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Old 05-12-2015, 01:51 AM   #4
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Questions.

1. I can understand why it would be difficult for Spider-Man to have facial expressions, but what about someone like Batman? I assume as long as the mouth and eyes are visible, facial expressions are possible. (To be honest, I was a little thrown off when you started talking about masks, considering it was never mentioned that Vortex was wearing one.)

2. Regarding Moonlight's snarling (wolves typically don't roar), what if he wanted it written like a sound effect? Should it be written as dialogue with a note to the letterer on how it should be written, or should it be written as a sound effect with a note to the letterer letting him/her know where the sound is coming from? Or would a good letterer know what to do with it? Or am I asking too many questions?
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Old 05-12-2015, 02:16 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by gmartyt View Post
Questions.

1. I can understand why it would be difficult for Spider-Man to have facial expressions, but what about someone like Batman? I assume as long as the mouth and eyes are visible, facial expressions are possible. (To be honest, I was a little thrown off when you started talking about masks, considering it was never mentioned that Vortex was wearing one.)
I assume that the character is wearing a mask. There aren't many characters that don't wear some sort of mask.

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2. Regarding Moonlight's snarling (wolves typically don't roar), what if he wanted it written like a sound effect? Should it be written as dialogue with a note to the letterer on how it should be written, or should it be written as a sound effect with a note to the letterer letting him/her know where the sound is coming from? Or would a good letterer know what to do with it? Or am I asking too many questions?
I love honest questions, and these are honest.

For TPG, when it comes to a writer who is unknown to me, I always err on the side of the writer's ignorance.

Always ask the question: what does this get me? What's the difference between a sound effect and dialogue that's different, and does that make enough of a difference to choose one over the other? Answering that will rarely lead you astray.

Anything can be done in a script, as long as you know what you're doing and what the outcome will be. Your job as the writer is to think it through.

Does that answer your questions?
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Old 05-13-2015, 01:54 AM   #6
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Quote:
I assume that the character is wearing a mask. There aren't many characters that don't wear some sort of mask.
I'm pretty sure I've seen characters that don't wear masks. Or are you using the term metaphorically, in the sense that no one shows their true self to others? (Sorry, I can't help myself sometimes.) Anyway, it wasn't a jab against you (even if it sounds like one) so much as it was a note to Eric that he never put one in.

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Does that answer your questions?
Yes. Thanks.

Totally unrelated, and slightly off-topic, but how often do the scripts you get for TPG come with a pitch?
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:07 AM   #7
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I'm pretty sure I've seen characters that don't wear masks.
Very true. Vance Astro doesn't wear one. Just the one I can think of offhand. Doc Samson. Wonder Man. So they're out there. There just aren't many.

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Or are you using the term metaphorically, in the sense that no one shows their true self to others? (Sorry, I can't help myself sometimes.) Anyway, it wasn't a jab against you (even if it sounds like one) so much as it was a note to Eric that he never put one in.
Generally, it would be in the character description, which he didn't give and I didn't want. Like I said, it was an assumption. Most characters wear masks. The overwhelming majority of them do. It was a safe assumption for me to make.

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Yes. Thanks.
Good.

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Totally unrelated, and slightly off-topic, but how often do the scripts you get for TPG come with a pitch?
Very few. And I don't read them. They're irrelevant to what we do here. Even if the writer says they are, they really aren't. If it isn't in the script, then I really don't care about it.
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:42 AM   #8
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Deadpool makes expressions through his mask. He is limited but he still makes them.

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Old 05-13-2015, 10:26 AM   #9
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I don't understand the point you're trying to make, Schuyler.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:54 PM   #10
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I don't understand the point you're trying to make, Schuyler.
You said the guy could not make facial expression while wearing a mask. I said that I've seen it. Point made. At least this time I merited a response from you.

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Old 05-13-2015, 11:12 PM   #11
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You can make faces with full masks. Doesn't mean that you should be able to.

In the 60s and 70s (and even some of the 80s), Iron Man and Dr. Doom had facial expressions through their helmets. Not something that should be able to happen.

So, while anything can be done, it doesn't always mean that something should be done.
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Old 05-13-2015, 11:55 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Steven Forbes View Post
You can make faces with full masks. Doesn't mean that you should be able to.

In the 60s and 70s (and even some of the 80s), Iron Man and Dr. Doom had facial expressions through their helmets. Not something that should be able to happen.

So, while anything can be done, it doesn't always mean that something should be done.
Mmmm?

I guess you just have to have the confidence to know what you like?
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