TPG Week 232: The Story To Nowhere

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in Greg Thayer. We also have Liam Hayes in blue, and I'm the outrageous one in red, and we'll all see what Greg has done with

The EPA

Note--this script was part of a writing challenge. Here were the rules:

Cannot be longer than 5 pages

Must have an alien (take that as you wish)

One page must have 2 panels or less on it

There must be at least 200 words of spoken dialogue

Bacon must be an object

Chainsaw must be in the spoken dialogue

Also note that this script came in at a font size of 10. You're all welcome.

PAGE ONE (four panels)

Panel 1. Daytime. Establishing shot of an average office building in a small city. There is a sign in front of the building.

TEXT(sign):
Environmental Protection Agency

Click here to read more.

[Schuyler]

(GRAAAAHHHHH!!!!! ENDING PUNCTUATION!!!! FORBES SMASH!!!!)

I laughed out loud at this one. Not at your expense, Greg, but at Steven's antics.

Thanks, Steven!

-Sky

[SamRoads]

Thanks for doing the edit on this Steven and Liam. Appreciate your time.

I'm not into the Mr S.W.Amp gags. I always hated that the Riddler's name was Edward Nygma - this kind of thing feels heavy handed to me.

I'd have gone with Mr Thing. Seems a more officious and stupid corporate response to employing Swamp Thing.

[gmartyt]

Thanks for the edits, Steven and Liam. Helpful as always.

I have no explanation for the 10 point font. I wrote it in 12. I used Open Office, but I saved it as a Word document.

Thanks again.

[Kiyoko, Rin]

PAGE THREE (four panels)
Panel 3. Kevin is looking over his shoulder at Mary. Mary is walking past Kevin, giving him a warm smile as she passes by.
AMP(OP):
However, our methods of enforcement have changed slightly since the old days. (There is a different, better way to say this. Who has suggestions?)

As the main gist of the criticism from Messrs Forbes and Hayes was that this story wasn’t about anything, I’d change this line by changing most everything around the line so that, in the end, the line isn’t needed.

Meaning: make Kevin Bacon the main character and change his character arc FROM:

- he goes in scared, then decides he doesn’t want the role because of the monsters around him.

TO:

- he goes in, really eager for the role, working hard at copying mannerisms / getting their “motivations” down pat / whatever it is that method actors do to grow into their roles. Along the way, he learns the job isn’t as sedate / bureaucratic as he thought, it’s actually incredibly violent, and by the end he’s been cowed off the role.

Meaning: instead of Swamp telling Kevin that the EPA’s methods have changed, I’d have Kevin role play how he thinks the EPA would protect the environment (i.e. using peaceful methods), then Swamp would show him the actual, homicidal way they do things. Basically, I’d show, not tell, thereby removing the line.