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Old 08-29-2015, 12:44 AM   #1
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TPG Week 244: Pacing Problems

Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, our Brave One is no stranger to these parts: we have Ronnie Massey stepping in! We also have Liam Hayes in blue, and I'm the cheerleader in red, and we're all going to see how Ronnie did with the

Superhero Retirement Squad

A note first: we're coming into another round of writing challenges that ran on Digital Webbing. This one was on superhero sadness, and the rules were thus:

No more than five pages

The superhero has to fail

The word “forsooth” has to be in the dialogue

There has to be a fish somewhere (take that as you will)

A knitted sweater must be an object

This has to end on a sad note

Got it? Let's go!

Characters

Phaze: 34, Male, Mixed Race/African American and Caucasian. A fourth generation hero that can make his body intangible as well as increase his molecular density. Younger brother of Ramjet.

Ramjet: 36, Male, Mixed Race/African American and Caucasian. A fourth generation hero that has super strength, speed, invulnerability, and flight.

Bolt: 33, Male, Polynesian. A third generation hero with super speed. Cousin to Jolt.

Jolt: 33, Male, Polynesian. A third generation hero with the power to teleport. Cousin to Bolt.

Radio Control aka. RC: 35, Female, British/Caucasian. A fourth generation hero with a host of mental abilities.

Zephyr: 38, Male, Caucasian. A third generation hero with wind powers that allow him flight, among other things.

Hydro: 29, Female, Caucasian. Hydro is a powerful super villain and nemesis to Zephyr. She has water manipulation abilities.

Deputy Carlson: 54, Male, African American. Senior officer on the scene.

Deputy Manning: 29, Male, Caucasian. Off duty officer that is second on the scene.

(Five page and nine characters? Ouch.) (It's a bit much, I agree. There will be a lot of standing around, methinks.)

Page One (6 Panels)

Panel One: We are looking at a large flatscreen tv. On the screen we can see a female newscaster, CINDY COVINGTON, sitting at her desk, holding a small stack of papers, as she stares forward at her audience. On a screen behind her we can see RAMJET and HYDRO fighting in a rural area. Ramjet is flying through a grey, storm cloud filled sky, heading toward Hydro, who is standing atop a column of water, ready to deliver a punch, with a fist that is covered in water. (You want all of that to be seen on a screen inside a screen?)

CAPTION: “The world knows who we are. Our faces sell newspapers, and our exploits keep people glued to their tvs (TVs). Whenever we save a life (Comma.) our names become trending topics on Twitter and Facebook. ”

CINDY COVINGTON (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM TV): This is Cindy Covington, interrupting your regularly scheduled program with live, drone footage of an altercation between the superhero known as Ramjet, and the criminal that calls herself, (No comma.) Hydro.

Click here to read more.
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:21 AM   #2
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Thanks for the edits, guys. I dropped the ball with the captions. I am definitely going back to work on this. First the caption issue, then cut the page of fluff, probably all the non-super powered folks all together, and resubmit.
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Old 08-29-2015, 07:35 AM   #3
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Looking forward to it, Ronnie.
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Old 08-30-2015, 10:56 PM   #4
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There is a truck there, about to head into the danger zone. Carlson is looking toward the truck. While we can see shops across from the main three, we can’t make out what type they are. (Remember that we read from left to right. So what we need to do is to establish where the “danger zone” is, and what the direction of travel is for the truck. That hasn’t been done, so I’m hazy as to what’s actually being shown. Mr. Kroboth: could you lend us a pencil?
It would be my pleasure!

To get my bearings straight on this one, I had to make an overhead view to help establish where everything is. I think sharing it will help this one.



I had to use page two, panel three to use a base to figure out which direction the shops are in relation to the characters. If I'm correct, Carlson is pretty much blocking up that part of the intersection with his car and moving toward the shops. My whole basis for the panel is hinged on this assumption.

So this is the panel.



For the part of the description of seeing both sides of the street, my thoughts go to one-point perspective. With this view, however, I'm not sure how easily the vehicle while be identifiable as a truck (or lorry! learn something new everyday) from the distance.

Really looking at the script, I do notice that the camera is moving around the scene quite a bit. If I'm right, it does a complete flip a few times. Given the destruction of the building, I'm not sure how much of an issue a reader with knowing where they are. So it might not be too disorienting in this case, but still be aware of the possibility.

Overall I thought this was an enjoyable story. I like what you did with it. My biggest question after finishing was what happened to Hydro? She knocked him in the building and just left? No finishing blow? She would have to know that wasn't a coup de grace.

Thanks for submitting, Ronnie! I'll be looking forward to the resubmission you were talking about. Seeing scripts pass through TPG and evolve are always my favorite.
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Old 08-31-2015, 02:37 AM   #5
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Thanks, Ryan! As always, I appreciate the visuals.

As you can see, folks, if you don't put in the pertinent information, the artist has to assume certain things. They shouldn't have to do this. They should know what's going on, because you should be telling them. That's the entire purpose of the script.
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Old 08-31-2015, 09:30 AM   #6
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(Ah! Two things: Again, Liam is from the UK. “Lorry” means a truck. Second, said truck is traveling from right to left. At least, that’s how I’m seeing it.)
Betrayed by my britishness again!
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Old 09-01-2015, 05:30 PM   #7
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Thanks for the drawings, and for taking the time to read the script. I'm going to tighten up my panel descriptions and hopefully clear up any confusing descriptions.

Thanks again.
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Old 09-02-2015, 10:57 AM   #8
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Nice work! Thanks to Steven, Liam and Ryan for the contributions.

In 'Save the Cat', it is said that Spielberg advises never including the media in stories, as it takes the reader/viewer away from the local, immediate reality.

I wonder if this story might indeed work just as well told exclusively from within the reality of the heroes, without the need to see anything about the media, or the cops doing cleanup.

However, unlike Steven and Liam's advice, I think that there may be a place for the padding stuff, but I might have it on page 1. So that as a reader we firstly watch the cops' reaction to the scene, then following on we see the supers' way of coping.
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Old 09-02-2015, 03:21 PM   #9
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I agree with Sam about keeping the police but moving them to the first page. Maybe the captions could somehow be reworked into a conversation between the police.

I like this story.

-Sky
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Old 09-07-2015, 06:11 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Hathor422 View Post
Thanks for the drawings, and for taking the time to read the script. I'm going to tighten up my panel descriptions and hopefully clear up any confusing descriptions.

Thanks again.
You're welcome! I would be interested in knowing how close I got to the picture in your head.

Also, I have to agree with some of the other feedback given. I liked the cop scene. I thought the Superhero Collateral Damage idea was interesting.

I woke up one morning after doing the drawing, and had an image of police tape with the words 'Superhero Collateral Damage' written on them. I kinda chuckled to myself. It would be an amusing visual.

If you decide to start a bit later, you could have Manning arrive to the scene late, having walked from the fishing hole. He could be the person the reader receives the information of the story through. Just an idea!
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