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Old 05-02-2019, 02:26 AM   #1
Durakken
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Arkas - Dawn pt1, Page 1-5

The following is the first 5 pages of Arkas - Dawn, essentially it is something of a Superman type character mixed with Hercules and Wonder Woman elements. The full story of "Dawn" which is supposed to launch an entire universe of characters is 3 parts, each 48 pages long for a total of 144 pages.

If you have any critiques whether on format, story, or whatever let me know ^.^

PAGE 1 (three panels)

Panel 1.
LOGAN stands facing the reader, looking at a camera/phone, dressed in a black suit with glasses, his back to a bank robbery in progress. The police and the robbers have opened fire on each other. He has his camera/phone lifted up to record what is going on and himself.
Panel 2.
LOGAN turns towards the gunfire as a cop calls out to him to warn him of the danger.
1. COP - OT: Hey, kid, get out of here.
Panel 3.
LOGAN is knocked out on the ground, glasses flung from his head, his camera/phone dropped on the ground. A small pool of blood forms under LOGAN.

PAGE 2 (three panels)

Panel 1.
A young LOGAN, around 7 years old, rides his bike away from his house. His house has a large yard and looks otherwise like a regular house, but is surrounded by woods while the roads and drive way is dirt.
1. CAPTION: 16 years ago
2. MOTHER: Be careful.
3. LOGAN: I will!
Panel 2.
LOGAN rides down the road, it is hilly, and surrounded by woods on either side.
Panel 3.
LOGAN reaches the top of a hill and turns his bike around approaching the edge crest of the hill.

PAGE 3 (six panels)

Panel 1.
LOGAN stops at the crest of the hill and prepares to go down it.
1. LOGAN: Here we go!
Panel 2.
LOGAN starts racing down the hill.
Panel 3.
LOGAN feels the bike going out of control.
2. LOGAN: No no no no no...
Panel 4.
LOGAN slams on breaks of the bike.
Panel 5.
LOGAN is launched from the bike's seat, flipping over the handlebars and pulling the bike into the air behind him as he loses his grip on the handlebars.
Panel 6.
LOGAN is about to slam into the ground, hitting his head on a large rock, his eyes shut preparing himself for the pain of what is about to happen.

PAGE 4 - 5 (four panels)

Panel 1.
LOGAN opens his eyes, seemingly perfectly fine.
Panel 2.
LOGAN finds himself hovering above the ground.
Panel 3.
REPEAT Panel 2, without LOGAN.
Panel 4.
Spread.
LOGAN flies fast over the road and woods with a giant smile on his face and eyes sparkling.
1. CAPTION: This was the best day of my life.
2. LOGAN: WOOHOOOOOO!
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Old 05-02-2019, 10:42 PM   #2
artsnake
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I like it. It is easy to get images in my head from your script. Nice flow of story
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Old 05-03-2019, 11:29 PM   #3
Murder Maker
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Very clean format, easy to read and easy to understand.

I'll definitely be taking some things from it.

The fact that you've already designed the number of panels in the writing stage is also really helpful to illustrators and make alot more sense to them.

Very clean work!
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Old 05-04-2019, 04:03 PM   #4
Durakken
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murder Maker View Post
Very clean format, easy to read and easy to understand.

I'll definitely be taking some things from it.

The fact that you've already designed the number of panels in the writing stage is also really helpful to illustrators and make alot more sense to them.

Very clean work!
The Bolding, Underlining, and Centering was adjusted due to on forums it isn't clear. In google docs I have no centering on the page numbers and they are just bold, because there is a page break right before, and the panels are underlined and bolded rather than just bolded, but it works best the opposite way here.

I have 3 ways I put things together... Prose, Page Breakdown (like you can see in my Express Agent), Full script (Which you can see here)... Different artists say they like different styles of scripts and I have sorta built into my process.

Prose are first draft and a more free writing style that I don't worry much about structure. Breakdown is where I put in structure to make sure the beats needed for comics is there, then the Full Script is basically where everything is spelled out, but I try to leave out anything that I don't think is important and let the artist decide other things, but that's just a preference and has the weakness that some artists will just only draw what is in the script. Other artists however will just ignore very detailed scripts so it's a no win situation, but I figure good artist are ok with less and more is just drags an artists creativity down probably. That's my take on it anyways.

Anyways... Here's the next 5 pages... I think these pages could use a lot of improvement but I haven't really thought about how to rewrite them...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 6 (six panels)

Panel 1.
LOGAN on a weight lifting several hundred pounds as a brother and sister, friends of his, walk in.
1. BOY: Woah. How are you doing that?
Panel 2.
LOGAN flexes, showing off to his friends.

2. LOGAN: Pretty cool, right?
3. GIRL: What else can you do?
4. LOGAN: Want to find out?
Panel 3.
The BOY swings a crowbar at LOGAN, bending when it hits him. The girl looks shocked in the background. LOGAN is unaffected.

5. LOGAN: Ha! Is that the best you got?
Panel 4.
The BOY stands thinking about how to test LOGAN furth.
Panel 5.
The GIRL has a look of having a great idea.

6. GIRL: I got it! Come on!
Panel 6.
The 3 children run off.

PAGE 7 (four panels)


Panel 1.
LOGANís friend aims a rifle at LOGAN, dead on as LOGAN stands with his arms spread out.
Panel 2.
Close up of the barrel of the rifle with an older manís hand on it.
Panel 3.
PA LEWIS and pulls the rifle from LOGANís friend.

1. PA LEWIS: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Panel 4.
A truck pulling a U-haul behind it with his two friends in the cab driving away. LOGAN is shown waving at them.

2. CAPTION: They moved away before high school started.

PAGE 8 (four panels)


Panel 1.
LOGAN sits at lunch table alone doodling and writing up ideas.

1. CAPTION: High school was lonelyÖ
Panel 2.
LOGAN putting on a suit, tie, and glasses as a 15 year old kid in front of a green screen with a camera pointed at him, his computer off to the side. The room he is in is his bed room at his parents house.

2. CAPTION: but I found a way to connect.
Panel 3.
LOGAN, now 23 in the same style of clothing and in the same set up, but computer, camera have been upgraded and any parts of the room outside of the set up that could be seen in the previous panel have changed and look more mature. The room he is in is a college dorm.

3. CAPTION: It helped me create a new self
Panel 4.
LOGANís hand holding a bus ticket to <city>

4. CAPTION: and it gave me a direction in life.

PAGE 9 (two panels)


Panel 1. Top ⅓ page
A bus drives by a sign with ďWelcome to <city>. The future is now.Ē on it. A city full of skyscrapers in the distance.
Panel 2. Bottom ⅔ page
LOGAN leaves the bus station, holding several bags, looking at a large city from the inside for the first time in his life

PAGE 10 (six panels)


Panel 1.
City landmark
Panel 2.
City landmark skyscraper
Panel 3.
City landmark
Panel 4.
The LANDLADY lets LOGAN into his apartment, revealing it to be a small dark apartment with a single window window with curtains over it

1. LANDLADY: Itís not much, but your mother said you wouldnít mind.
Panel 5.
LOGAN opens the window revealing that it looks out onto a brick wall of another building.

2. LOGAN: Perfect.
Panel 6.
The LANDLADY throws LOGAN the keys as she leaves.

3. LANDLADY: Just make sure to pay on time, and say hi to your mom for me.
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Old 05-07-2019, 11:59 PM   #5
Double_Down
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Hey bud nice work! My quick thoughts:

Bam! You got me with the first page. Iím thinking ďWTF, ok let me see whatís going on hereĒ. You have very concise and clear panel descriptions which makes it very easy to read. First 5 pages are a nice intro. The next five pages are good too. My only concern is youíre about 10 pages in and I feel like Iím reading Supermanís childhood and adolescence, which has been depicted many times, in many different ways. What makes him different than Superman? Based on what I read so far Iím not sure. Iím betting you tackle this in later pages. The question is do you differentiate him sooner, Iím not sure. But maybe itís worth mulling over?

Just my 2 cents. Great writing. I look forward to seeing more and if time allows Iíll gladly read and comment.
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Old 05-10-2019, 03:30 AM   #6
Durakken
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Double_Down View Post
Hey bud nice work! My quick thoughts:

Bam! You got me with the first page. I’m thinking “WTF, ok let me see what’s going on here”. You have very concise and clear panel descriptions which makes it very easy to read. First 5 pages are a nice intro. The next five pages are good too. My only concern is you’re about 10 pages in and I feel like I’m reading Superman’s childhood and adolescence, which has been depicted many times, in many different ways. What makes him different than Superman? Based on what I read so far I’m not sure. I’m betting you tackle this in later pages. The question is do you differentiate him sooner, I’m not sure. But maybe it’s worth mulling over?

Just my 2 cents. Great writing. I look forward to seeing more and if time allows I’ll gladly read and comment.
The differentiation is there, but this character was always meant to be very much like Superman. Two of the key differences are already shown in these 10 pages.
#1 Power level (He's shot and bleeding)
#2 Power Source (That's not discussed till the second part)
#3 He wants to show off here, but has it firmly ingrained by this one scene that he shouldn't be showing/using his powers (you might say irresponsibly, but he's a kid, these types of things do get twisted in a child's head). This actually grows as time goes on because of the way his and all powers work in this universe.

The first part is largely about him overcoming this issue. And there is a type of symbolism near the end where he looks pretty supermany, but then it falls away. It makes you think of that and then subtly says we're now growing beyond that, or trying to. I think it works, but since no one has read it/scene it. Can't say for sure!

I would post more but I do intend to eventually get this made so it wouldn't do if I posted the entire thing already in script form for free publically, ya know ^.^

Someone who read this part said his friends are a bit psychotic since one hits with a crowbar and the other gets a gun to shoot him with lol... I dunno...

Also the city landmark thing It's supposed to be showing off the city a bit to establish how it looks a bit more but it doesn't feel right to me.
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Old 05-28-2019, 05:35 PM   #7
KevinLeeMcDougall
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I think the script is almost perfectly wrote, and I love the first 5 pages. The sense of child-like wonder is beautiful. Having said that, I think the next part lets it down a bit. For me the kids are too brutal. That's an evil thing to do as a kid. Only someone who's loose and evil would do such a thing, and would a superman-like character even let them? Also Would a kid really be lifting weights, even if he had power? Any sense of wonder I got in the first part eroded with part two. There's a sense of beauty in that first part that just isn't in the second.

Having said all that, I enjoyed the read. Don't we already have a Superman though?
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