TPG Week 175: Inciting Incident Needed

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome back, one and all, to The Proving Grounds! This week, we’ve got a Brave One who is no stranger to these parts: novelist Ronnie Massie! We have something we don’t often see around here: a resubmission! We’ve also got Samantha LeBas in purposeful purple, I’m wearing the rarin’ red, and let’s see how Ronnie handles

Sheep’s Clothing



Page One (5 Panels)

Panel 1: We’re outside on a sunlit day, looking at a small, white wooden church. There are cars(modern era?) filling a small parking lot that is surrounded by trees. A lone woman(This needs more detail, there is a great deal of difference between a ninety-year-old Korean woman and a twenty-year-old redhead, you haven’t told us who we are dealing with here.) is standing near on the stairs near the entrance. (*1: See ref for church exterior)

PASTOR (OFF PANEL): (add ellipses) And so, my brothers and sisters, we must always be mindful of the bad elements within our midst.

PASTOR (OFF PANEL): Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing. (This dialogue isn’t coming from OP, it’s coming from the church. Either have the balloon tails point at the church, or think about making these captions instead.)

Panel 2: We’re inside the church, looking out over the congregation from the pastor’s point of view. (Give us an estimate of how many people are there, what type of congregation this is, and are any key characters in this panel?) The door at the rear of the church is slightly ajar, and the woman from outside is standing in front of it. (*2: See ref for church interior)

NO COPY

Panel 3: Inset into panel 2. This is a close-up of the pastor’s face. He has one eyebrow lifted.

NO COPY


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[Alyssa]

I just wanted to throw in some thoughts about the bleeding arm.

When I first read "His cut arm is flung to the side. We can see blood flying through the air." I actually thought the Pastor had used his badass knife to slice all the way through his arm, with the severed piece flying through the air. Given that the knife has mythical value, I could suspend disbelief for that.

Please someone tell me I'm not the only one, so I don't feel like I have an overly morbid imagination! :P

ANYHOO, given the severed arm thing, I could believe blood spraying across the room. My father (firefighter) got called out to an accident. A bloke had virtually all of his arm hacked off by a piece of machinery. There was JUST enough of a stub left that his work buddy was able to slip his belt around it as a tourniquet. Of course, the machinery caused much of the bloody state of the scene (there was nothing left of the arm- it was sprayed everywhere), but the guy's stub was like a water gun. His buddy's hands were going white from the amount of force he was using to hold the belt in place to stop him from bleeding out. Shifting ever so slightly caused the bloke's arm to spurt blood with impressive force. Spurt per heart beat.

So this is a long way of saying that if Pastor-dude sliced his arm off (I could get behind that), then he absolutely could use the blood spray as a weapon of sorts.

But then we hit a new problem- sever your arm without a proper tourniquet, and you'll probably bleed out in a couple minutes, tops. And you certainly wouldn't be standing and interacting with people (or jumping out of a window) during those two minutes. You'd be on the ground pretty quick. Unless the Pastor is some sort of super human.

This was all going through my head while I was reading. When I read on, the Pastor cut his arm again, pretty much confirming what the editors stated about the lack of severity of the wound.

But then we find out he is super human after all. I'd be rejigging things for maximum effect. Could help to transition us into his badassery.

Maybe.

I could very well be full of it, too.

[Hathor422]

Thanks for taking the time to comment, Alyssa. I honestly never thought about someone interpreting that panel that way, so thank you for pointing that out.

As for the dialogue needing work, I fully agree. As Steve pointed out, this is a resubmission. The script that was reviewed is actually the first script that was reviewed last year, not the resubmitted/reworked version.

Here is the original: TPG Week 157: When Stories Turn Into Hack Jobs

I will post the reworked version here so that readers may compare the two.

Also, Steve, just want to say that the Proving Grounds has been a invaluable tool for me. It has really helped me a lot with my scripting. Thanks muchly.

[Steven Forbes]

Thanks, Ronnie. I looked, and you're right. This is my fault. I thought it was the resubmitted script, and it wasn't. I apologize.

So, I'm going to do some rejiggering of the calendar so that you get your proper go. It'll still be myself and Sam on it, so it won't be this coming week. Look for an email.

And again, I apologize.

[Hathor422]

No problem, Steve.