Week 146: Keeping Reader Interest

[Steven Forbes]

Welcome once more to The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a new Brave One in Sonja Smith! (And, on a completely unrelated note, I'm very happy to see that we have more women writing and submitting. I can probably count the number of female participants on one hand. I wish there were more. Anyway...) As always, we have Steve Colle looking dashing in blue, I'm fiery in my red, and let's see what Sonja brings us in



SDA



PAGE ONE (FIVE PANELS)





Panel 1. Medium establishing shot. (The use of a medium shot is pretty tight for an establishing shot, don’t you think? It doesn’t give enough of a view of the room, putting more focus on the main subject of the frame instead of generalizing the setting. I would have pulled back some more to at least a long shot.)(Or, you can circumvent the entire thing by just saying “establishing shot,” and letting the artist do the heavy lifting as to camera placement.) Night, a little girl’s bedroom. Moonlight shines in through the window. Toys are deposited on the floor, and a line of stuffed animals decorates the shelves. The room belongs to a modest home of a lower middle-class family. Nothing too fancy about the furnishings, but it’s nice. A small figure lies in the bed, shadowed by the darkness and burrowed under the covers.

1 CAP (ARIA):

I always knew my brother was different. (Okay, so this could be the beginning of a problem. I’ll explain why at the end of this page.)

Panel 2. Close-up of the figure’s face. Our hero, ARIA, is only 7 years old at this point. She is a little black girl with a natural afro splayed out across her pillow. She is awake and clutching the blanket tightly in her fist. (Pretty good description of the fist clutching the blanket, but just HOW is the blanket being clutched? Is it pulled over everything but her eyes? Is it being used mostly as a security blanket of sorts? Try to give a bit more detailed visual. Otherwise you might not get close to what you actually visualize.)


2 CAP (ARIA):

Even when I was young, I knew that he wasn’t like most other boys his age. (I’d suggest separating this caption’s text for a more dramatic read, by having a longer pause between what’s being spoken.) He was different. (Here, you’ve reused the word “different” for a second time in two panels. Ask yourself: Which of the two lines of dialogue above better utilizes the expression, “my brother was different” or “he was different”? Another question would be: Do you even NEED to repeat it, or can you simply say “I always knew my brother was different. Even when I was young, I knew he wasn’t like most other boys his age”? I believe you should forego the second and stick with the line I just wrote out, then go straight into your next panel’s text.)

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