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Old 08-14-2017, 11:01 PM   #1
Dabbling in hyperbole
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Sweet Valley, PA
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Altered St. - Not The Demon You're Looking For

Hey one and all what I have here is a short 8 pager for my book, Altered St. It's Animal House meets Scooby-Doo. It's about a group of friends who handle any and all weird happenings in and around their college town of Mount Alternia.

PAGE 1 - 6 Panels

Panel 1: In the common room of a college dorm suite, looking over the top of the TV in the foreground at Sparky, Chuck, and Smokey, who are sitting together on the couch drinking beers and smoking a blunt while watching a baseball game. Through window on right it's night time.

TV: (Burst) …and out comes the manager. With two out and men on second and third he wants to talk it over.

Panel 2: From the side; Shroomy and Marci sitting on his bed making out. She's on the left he's on the right.

Shroomy: Marci, babe, I've been waiting all day for this.

Panel 3: Same comp. as panel 1, but the flip side, looking over the tops of their heads. In front of the TV a small sliver of light appears. Sparky is passing the blunt to Chuck.

Sparky: *cough* are you guys seeing this?
Chuck: Think it's real?
Smokey: mmmhmm. Hey Sparky, I bet my multi-spectrum goggles’d come in handy right now.
Sparky: Oh my God, Smokey for the last time, I'm sorry I spilled beer on them!
Chuck: Probably shouldn'tve been wearing them during a game of asshole, though.
Sparky: Yeah! Tell him Chuckles!

Panel 4: Same comp. as panel 2. Marci now has her left pointer finger mushed into Shroomy's lips. She's looking back over her shoulder almost like she's looking at the previous panel. Shroomy is cross eyed looking at her finger, lips big and pursed against it.

Marci: Sorry, Shroomy my big sexy stromboli, you're going to have to wait.
Marci: You’re about to have an uninvited guest in the common room.
Shroomy: Great. And now you’ve made me horn-gry.

Panel 5: Same as panel 3. Angie is now standing in front of the TV where the sliver was. She has a white aura surrounding her. She looks like she's standing in a wind tunnel. But nothing else around her is moving. She is in fighting stance facing the boys with a flaming sword. Her eyes are bright white, her wings spread out and up.

Angie: Come, show yourself demon, and face the righteous blade of Angilque of the Thronoi!
Sparky: Ya mind? It's bottom of the ninth, and we’re one strike away from wrapping this up.
Angie: Leave now. You are all in danger.
Marci (o/p): No, you leave. (Coming from the right of the panel.)

Panel 6: C/U of Angie’s head snapped to look right where the voice came from.

PAGE 2 – 6 Panels

Panel 1: A long view of the common room, basically far enough away to fit everyone in the frame. In the background are three equally spaced bedrooms. On the left side the couch crew and Angie. The couch and TV are between rooms one and two. Smokey and Chuck have stood up and are involved in the situation but unsure what's about to happen. Sparky is still sitting on the couch trying to watch the game. Angie has taken a step or two in the direction of Marci and Shroomy. Angie remains 100% focused on business through this entire page. She has her sword pointed at Marci. On the right Marci is halfway to Angie, mid way between doors two and three, and Shroomy is standing in the doorway of the furthest right door. He may even be just poking his head out. Whatever looks best just have him trailing. Marci is standing defiantly facing Angie, taunting her.

Marci: God damn it. Figures they'd send you.
Angie: Blasphemer!
Marci: Still as obnoxious as ever I see.
Sparky: Fuck yeah! Strike three! Got him!

Panel 2: Same comp. Everyone is looking at Sparky, except Angie. Sparky has the remote in his hand and extended towards the TV. He has turned it off. He's looking back at everyone.

Sparky: Ok. Thanks for waiting. Now, let's get down to business.

Panel 3: Profile shot of Sparky who has stood up. He's stretching with his arms straight up.

Sparky: Alrighty, now, what are we dealing with tonight?

Panel 4: In closer from the first two panels so that Angie is just inside the left side of the panel and Shroomy is similarly just inside the right. Sparky has moved just to the right of Angie. He's standing with his hands behind his back. He's looking at her like he's looking her up and down to size her up. More in an observational way than in an objectifying manner. Marci is talking back over her shoulder to Shroomy who has since moved next to her.

Marci: The hell is he doing?

Panel 5: Same comp. Sparky has moved to now be in the middle of the two women. He is looking at Marci now similarly to how he was looking at Angie.

Shroomy: Figuring it all out.
Shroomy: It's kind of his thing.

Panel 6: Pulled back out to see everyone. Sparky has turned back to Angie. His hand is waving slowly in front his face. Angie doesn't react. Behind Angie, Chuck and Smokey react to Sparky with a head back groan and face palm. It doesn't matter who does what. Marci looks confused. Shroomy hangs his head in shame.

Sparky: This isn't the demon your looking for.
Chuck: Dude.
Smokey: Just. Just terrible.
Shroomy: Holy Horrendousness.

PAGE 3 - 5 Panels

Panel 1: A straight on shot of Angie who has lowered her flaming sword. Maybe she's even sheathing it and it's only flaming where it's still outside the scabbard. Behind her Chuck and Smokey look relieved.

Angie: Indeed. I know Marcella well but she's is not my reason for appearing before you this night.
Sparky(o/p): Ok, so, care to enlighten us as to whom we are looking for?

Panel 2: Renaissance-esque picture of a demon in silhouette creeping on a sleeping woman.

CAP: (All Angie) He is an incubus named Irdu Lilu.
CAP: First he chooses a host. Generally a womanizing scoundrel.
CAP: He then lures women to an isolated place and consumes their souls, creating a host body for another demon.

Panel 3: A three-shot of Sparky who has turned to face Marci who's all pissed off. Shroomy is rubbing her shoulders trying to keep her calm. Maybe give her fire eyes or maybe her skin is getting red.

Marci: That son of a bitch. That's why you landed here with me.
Marci: He's my half brother.
Sparky: So like you're on a similar demon wavelength?
Marci: Unfortunately.

Panel 4: A two-shot. Sparky turned back to Angie.

Sparky: So this host, I think I can save us a lot of wasted searching time.
Angie: Oh? How?

Panel 5: Reg looking at himself in the mirror with big predator looking grin and some kind of off color eyes like glowing yellow or red or black. He's dressed sharply, ready for a date.

CAP: (Sparky) Lets just say this Irdu character sounds a lot like a guy we know.

PAGE 4 – 5 Panels

Panel 1: A slightly overhead shot from behind of the entire gang standing outside a dorm room door. The door is open a crack. Sticking his face out thru the crack is Reg's buddy Chip.

Sparky: Hi there.

Panel 2: The flip side looking over Chip's shoulder at the entire gang through the door with Sparky at the head of the group.

Sparky: Can Reg come out and play?
Chip: Umm… What?

Panel 3: Side view from inside Chip’s room. Sparky has pushed the door open and is halfway in. A surprised Chip stands to one side of Sparky. Sparky is looking around.

Sparky: Reg.
Sparky: A.K.A. Reginald van der Douche XIV.
Sparky: Where is he? Its kind of an emergency.
Chip: He just left like 5 minutes ago.
Chip: He had a date with the President chick from Kappa Nu Tau.

Panel 4: Back outside Reg’s dorm building. From left to right; Angie, Marci, and Shroomy are in the foreground and the rest of the gang are in the background exiting the doors.

Angie: Did you smell it in there?
Marci: Brimstone. He's here and he's inside the king of all womanizers.
Angie: We need to find him now.
Shroomy: Well his m.o. is to take his dates to Chez Scallopini. Which is--
SFX (from right side of panel) : Aahhhheeeeeeee!!

Panel 5: Same comp. everyone outside now. All looking right. Shroomy is pointing the direction of the scream.

Shroomy: That-a-way.

PAGE 5 - 7 Panels

Panels 1-3: A long panel of everyone running to the right, broken into 3 separate panels with continuous background. Panel 1: Shroomy is the caboose to the left, huffing and struggling to keep up. Closest to him is Sparky jogging backwards while taunting Shroomy. Panel 2: Mid-panel Chuck and Smokey are keeping pace with, Panel 3: Angie and Marci who are leading the pack.

Shroomy: No sex. Huff huff. No food. Huff.
Shroomy: And now running. Whew. This day can't get worse.
Sparky: C’mon tons o’ fun. Get through this and all your dreams'll come true.
Chuck: What d’ya think of her?
Smokey: The vengeful angel? She's pretty, and definitely your type.
Marci: How do you want to play this?
Angie: Do you remember Paris, 1889?

Panel 4: Straight on C/U or bust shot of Marci looking devilish and liking Angie's suggested plan.

Marci: Works for me.

Panel 5: Same comp. Marci looking off to the right of the panel with a serious look on her face.

Marci: There you are.

Panel 6: Full view of Marci in the foreground just a little ahead of Angie who is behind her right shoulder. Over her other shoulder the rest of the gang is catching up. Show whoever you can fit. Marci is pointing to her left.

Marci: Over there.
Angie: You're right.

Panel 7: In the foreground, on the sidewalk and closest to us, Angie and Sparky are standing in profile to us, face to face and looking slightly towards the woods. Everyone else is looking at either Angie and Sparky or Marci. Marci is halfway to the woods walking along a path worn in the grass, looking back over her shoulder motioning for the rest to follow. In the background is a wooded area. Thick enough that we can't see in but not impassible.

Angie: Marci and I will dispel the demon from the host.
Angie: We need you and your friends to get the girl to safety.
Sparky: Extraction duty. Got it.

PAGE 6 - 7 Panels

Panel 1: Through some leaves and branches in the foreground we see the girl laying limp on the ground in a nice dress, one shoe on, one off and laying a foot or two away, and a small clutch purse loosely wrapped around her right hand. Huddled over her sucking her soul out through her mouth and nose is Reg/Irdu.

Panel 2: Tighter shot of him looking up at us with angry surprise. Wisps of soul smoke escape from his mouth.

Marci: (o/p) Hey! Sperm-breath!
Reg/Irdu: Who?

Panel 3: What he sees. Marci just inside his little clearing. She has her arms crossed and is looking at him like she's about to embarrass the hell out of him.

Marci: Hiya, brother.
Marci: You’re hunting on my turf. Did you think I wouldn't notice?
Reg/Irdu: (o/p) Didn’t care.

Panel 4: Looking over Marci's shoulder at Reg/Irdu who is now standing over the girl but she is behind him. Sneaking out of the shadows in the background are Sparky and Chuck to grab the girl.

Reg/Irdu: Dad sent me.
Marci: Bullshit. Daddy knows I'm taking time off.
Reg/Irdu: Well dad says times up.
Reg/Irdu: But, knowing you'd say no, I figured I'd pick up the slack.

Panel 5: Same comp. Reg/Irdu is closer to Marci now. She's thrown her head back in laughter. He's getting more pissed off. But more like a childish tantrum; arms straight at his sides and foot stomping. Behind him the boys lift the girl by her wrists and ankles to get her out of there.

Marci: Ha! You’re not even in my league. Remember the farm girl in 1771? Or, oh, how you couldn't close on one soul from an entire Satanic cult. You're his son for Christ's sake!
Reg/Irdu: Shut up!
Marci: What a snappy comeback. Face it. I'm better than you any month. Any decade. Any century. And I'll never let you forget it.
Marci: And no amount of poaching will make daddy forget either.

Panel 6: Irdu finally in a total shit-losing meltdown. He shows his true face on Reg’s body.

Reg/Irdu: You. Miserable. BITCH!
Reg/Irdu: I’ll rip out your toe nails and use them to gut you!

Panel 7: Bust shot of Reg/Irdu looking back at his left shoulder in confusion. Angie just tapped him on it three times. Just her hand is shown either extending off panel or back into the dark.

SFX: tap tap tap
Reg/Irdu: Huh?

PAGE 7 – 7 panels

Panel 1: What Reg sees now is Angie behind him like a heavy hitter standing in the batters box sword cocked back like a bat, big victorious grin on her face.

Reg/Irdu(o/p): God damn it.

Panel 2: Side view. Left side Marci is standing holding her hands up and out to catch Irdu. Right side Angie is at the end of her swing (something like Ken Griffey Jr.). To her left Reg crumples to the ground. Above him Irdu is flying backwards. Another Irdu mid-panel at the height of his flight arc. Marci catches the third Irdu by the throat in one hand stretched out over her head. Don't be afraid to use motion lines for both Angie's swing and Irdu flying.

Panel 3: Side view of Marci body slamming Irdu into the ground hard enough to make a crater a few inches deep.


Panel 4: Over Marci’s shoulder looking down on Irdu in his hole. Her hand is in the middle of his chest and she’s digging her fingers into it.

Irdu: rrrrr-Aahh! Ow!
Irdu: Let go!
Marci: mmmm... Nah.
Irdu: I’ll be back!
Irdu: I’ll bring an entire torture squad here!
Irdu: I’ll start with your boy toy! I’ll--
Marci: Irdu...

Panel 5: Close up of her hand starting to glow on his chest.

Marci: …go to hell.

Panel 6: Pull out from last panel to reveal more of the him on the ground. Her hand is brighter now and creating glowing cracks in his chest.


Panel 7: Over Marci’s shoulder looking down into the now empty crater. Wisps of smoke and ash and embers float about. Her hand is still where it was on his chest but back to normal.

PAGE 8 - 6 Panels

Panel 1: Marci standing up now facing us, her hands are together as she’s dusting them off.

Marci: Well that’s that.
Shroomy(o/p): Babe!

Panel 2: Shroomy has scooped her up in his arms. They’re looking at each other smiling.

Shroomy: That was so hot!
Marci: I’m starving.
Shroomy: Yes! Let’s do this! I’m gonna slather you in marinara sauce!

Panel 3: Same comp. Angie joins them, she also looks happy and relieved. Her left hand is on the sword handle, her right hand is extended out to shake with Marci. Marci does the same.

Angie: I must thank you. That would not have ended as well without your help.
Marci: Any time. You and I always seem to find a way to make it work.
Chuck(o/p): Hey guys?

Panel 4: Looking past Shroomy, Marci, and Angie at the girl on the left, still unconscious, and having her pulse checked by Smokey. Chuck is kind of cradling her head in his lap. On the right Reg is flat on his back with his arm over his eyes. Sparky is kneeling next to Reg with his hand in Reg's pocket.

Chuck: What about these two? He's coming around but she isn't.
Angie: They’ll both return to normal with a few days rest.
Angie: They won’t remember a thing.

Panel 5: A two shot of Reg still laying on the ground with his eyes covered by his arm. Sparky is kneeling over him holding Reg’s money clip up and is super proud of himself.

Reg: What? What happened?
Sparky: Well Reg, ol’ buddy, you got knocked out and mugged.
Sparky: Your date must’ve fainted in the excitement, bumped her head pretty hard.
Reg: Wait. What? Sparks? What are --
Sparky: Shhhh. Just stay put, an ambulance is coming.

Panel 6: We’re out of the clearing where the final fight went down and back on the sidewalk. All six members of our gang are walking towards us. They’re all happy and laughing. Order isn’t important. In the background are two ambulances. One has pulled away from the other. Reg is loaded in the sitting ambulance. We can see him through the one remaining open door of the ambulance. An EMT is about to close the other.

Sparky: C’mon everyone, dinner at Tino’s is on Reg tonight!
Marci: Sparky you’re headed straight to hell.
Sparky: Ha! Yeah you're probably right.
Twitter: @Mike_O_Path
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Old 08-14-2017, 11:02 PM   #2
Dabbling in hyperbole
T_F_Mann's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Sweet Valley, PA
Posts: 45
T_F_Mann has a spectacular aura aboutT_F_Mann has a spectacular aura aboutT_F_Mann has a spectacular aura about

Almost forgot this:


Sparky: Leader of the group. Tall, 6’2”ish, and muscular but lean, almost gangly. Wild spikey hair that is more orange blonde than red headed. He basically looks like a lit match. Most of the time wears jeans and a t-shirt.

Shroomy: Sparky's right hand man and best friend. He's fat but not sloppy fat. Kind of like Eddie Hall (Current Worlds Strongest Man) but slightly smaller. He's a little shorter than Sparky. Ethnically he is Puerto Rican. He has a darker complexion and a medium puffy thick afro that makes him look like a mushroom, hence the nick name. Usually wears shorts paired with any one of the collection of soccer jerseys that he's fond of.

Chuck: Sparky's twin brother. He's the same physically as Sparky but keeps his hair neater, like a crew cut or something to that effect. He is the conscience of the group.

Smokey: Our science guy. An absolute genius he's usually the one who puts the pieces together when no one else sees them. African-American, with chin length dreadlocks. Usually a fan of cargo shorts and a solid color polo shirt.

Marci: Shroomy's succubus girlfriend. She is Satan's daughter. She's short and petite. Long dark brown/black hair. Has a kind of biker/punk rock look. More Ramones than Sex Pistols. Like a skull cap, biker boots, tight torn jeans and a t-shirt cut into a tank top under a red and black flannel shirt.

Angie: Angel from heaven. She has on a silver chest plate worn on top of the typical angel toga thing. Scabbard on her left hip opposite her sword hand. Curly blonde hair. Average height. And of course big wings on her back.

Reg: Eddie Brock to Sparky's Peter Parker. Similar build and height. Hair and clothes like every typical frat douche from every college movie ever.

Irdu: He's an ugly s.o.b. Rough grey skin, maybe with uneven scales or scales in patches, tiny little piranha teeth behind cracked black lips. Kind of like Gollum combined with a snake. His eyes are black or yellow or red or whatever looks good, just something to set them apart from normal human eyes.

Chip: Typical frat douche's big lumbering goon sidekick.
Twitter: @Mike_O_Path
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