Mozzy (a 4 page practice script - looking for feedback and advice)

joqn · 04-09-2019, 07:41 AM

Hi, it’s been a long time since I wrote scripts and looking to get back into the game.

Here is a four page script I’ve been working on today. Just a draft. No big ideas, just working out the mechanics of script writing again.

Specifically, I wanted to try something that uses sound effects because to be honest, I’m a little unsure of the best way to dipict them in script form, as well as placing within the panel.

Any other comments on pacing and description of action as well. I’m posting this precisely because it was challenging to describe this kind of ‘non-traditional’ action scene.

Also, I thought a description of characters and setting before the panel descriptions would be helpful to artists? This personally helps me not get bogged down on descriptions and focus on the action.

I will be happy to read anything in return.

Thanks.

MOZZY
by J.Q. Wynn

Characters
Kevin
Middle aged, stocky white guy, short hair, moustache and stubble. He’s wearing a white vest and shorts, no socks. By his appearance and living conditions, he’s probably a bachelor.

Setting
Modern day modest looking apartment. A bed set on one wall, against a window. The window has cheap curtains that don’t really block out all the light at night. Next to the bed is a bedside table with a full ashtray, Kev’s phone and a small, thin paperback book entitled ‘Transcendental Meditation’. There’s a wardrobe, chest of drawers with empty bottles of beer and other spirits and other bits and bobs. It’s a lived in but reasonably tidy room.

PAGE 1

Panel 1
Open panel. High angle looking down into the bedroom. It’s night and fairly dark. Light from a street lamp shines in through the window. Kev lies in bed. He’s on his back, an arm behind his head.

Panel 2
Long shot looking down at Kev (3/4angle). He’s lying in bed on his back.

Panel 3
Mid shot, same 3/4 angle as panel 2, but closer. He’s lying on his side, clearly tossing and turning.

Panel 4
Mid shot, profile view. In the foreground is the bedside table, which has a phone on it, as well as some pills packaging (opened), the bed and Kev in the mid ground, the window in the background. Kev is sitting up, looking around.

SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz

Panel 5
Mid-shot. Kev is sitting up in bed, swatting the air with his hand wildly.

SFX: bzzzzz

Panel 6
Mid-shot. Kev sitting up more alert. He still has he phone in his hand. He’s looking around, searching.

Panel 7
Mid-shot, this time in profile of Kev. He holds his head in his hands out of fatigue and frustration.

SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz

Kev (small): God, no. Not again…

Page 2

Panel 1
High angle shot looking down at Dave standing up out of bed. He’s holding a knee as he does to help prop himself up. He holds the phone out with a flashlight and the blue light of the screen lights his face.

Kev: Ok... remember Kev…
Kev: Deep breaths.
Kev: Count to ten.

SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz

Panel 2
Close up of Kev’s hand flicking the light switch on.

Kev: One.

Panel 3
Close up of Kev’s hand rolling up the meditation book.

Kev: Two.

SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz

Panel 4
Low angle looking at the bedside table in the foreground. A mosquito is on the table. Kev in the BG is sneaking up on it, phone in one hand and rolled up book up over his head in the other, ready to strike.

Kev (small): Three.
Kev: Fou—

Panel 5
Mid-shot of Kev smacking the rolled up newspaper on the bedside table. He manages to also hit the ashtray, so the ashtray, cigarette ends and ash flies in the air.

Kev(big): —arrrrrgh!

SFX: Thwak!

Panel 6
Very low angle shot looking up at Kev. He looks irate and out of control.

SFX (small): bzzzzz

Kev (bigger): aaaarghhhhhh!

Page 3

Panel 1
Close up of the phone smashing on the floor. The screen cracks but the phone remains in tact.

SFX: Crack!

Panel 2
Long shot of Kev angrily throwing down the rolled up book. We are close enough the see the mosquito in the foreground as it flies.

Kev: Ughh!

SFX: bzzzz

Panel 3
Mid-shotshot looking down at Kev as he angrily swipes the various items on the chest of drawers: they include a small collection of empty beer and spirits bottles, an open packet of cigs, a pair of worn socks.

Panel 4
Low angle shot, in the foreground, one of the empty bottles of whisky smashes to the floor. In the background, Kev is standing by the side of the wardrobe and is in the process of toppling it over.

Panel 5

Birds eye view shot of the bedroom. The wardrobe smashes in the middle of the floor, sending fragments of cheap wood across the room. Kev is leaning against the wall, next to the chest of drawers, exhausted.

SFX(big): Smash!

Panel 6
Long shot of Kev, sat on the floor next to the chest of drawers. He’s resting an arm on one knee and looking down at the floor. His cracked phone lies in the foreground, as well as bits of wood and broken stuff in front of and around him.

Kev (small): …five.

Page 4

Panel 1
Identical shot as page 3, panel 6 (previous panel). The light has changed, suggesting it is morning. Dave is sitting on the floor asleep, in roughly the same position, perhaps slumped out more.

SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz

Panel 2
Close up of Kev, lifting his head. He looks tired.

Kev (small): -Ughh-
Kev (small): What the—

Panel 3
Close up of Kev’s phone, cracked screen. The time says 10:46am and an incoming call from ‘Jim Anger Group’.

SFX (big) (from the phone): bzzzzz

Panel 4

Mid shot of Kev, sat up, still obviously dazed and groggy. He is holding the phone, answering it.

Kev: Hello?

Phone (Jim): Hey Kev, it’s Jim.
Phone (Jim): You missed the meeting and I was worried, mate.

Panel 5
Birds eye view shot. We’re looking down on the bedroom in daylight. Devastation from the night before is visible - the broken wardrobe in the middle, smashed bottles, ashtray and other paraphernalia.

Phone (Jim): You stayin’ in control?

END

artsnake · 05-02-2019, 10:47 PM

good exercise. It would make a good little project for artists to try some story telling ideas.

KevinLeeMcDougall · 05-28-2019, 06:47 PM

Good exercise! Love the ending!

SAWeyers · 07-01-2019, 06:10 AM

I'm trying to write my first script, I kind of used a hodge-podge of styles, but it looks similar to yours.

I thought this was well done.

04-09-2019, 07:41 AM	#1
joqn Registered User Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: U.K Posts: 672	Mozzy (a 4 page practice script - looking for feedback and advice) Hi, it’s been a long time since I wrote scripts and looking to get back into the game. Here is a four page script I’ve been working on today. Just a draft. No big ideas, just working out the mechanics of script writing again. Specifically, I wanted to try something that uses sound effects because to be honest, I’m a little unsure of the best way to dipict them in script form, as well as placing within the panel. Any other comments on pacing and description of action as well. I’m posting this precisely because it was challenging to describe this kind of ‘non-traditional’ action scene. Also, I thought a description of characters and setting before the panel descriptions would be helpful to artists? This personally helps me not get bogged down on descriptions and focus on the action. I will be happy to read anything in return. Thanks. MOZZY by J.Q. Wynn Characters Kevin Middle aged, stocky white guy, short hair, moustache and stubble. He’s wearing a white vest and shorts, no socks. By his appearance and living conditions, he’s probably a bachelor. Setting Modern day modest looking apartment. A bed set on one wall, against a window. The window has cheap curtains that don’t really block out all the light at night. Next to the bed is a bedside table with a full ashtray, Kev’s phone and a small, thin paperback book entitled ‘Transcendental Meditation’. There’s a wardrobe, chest of drawers with empty bottles of beer and other spirits and other bits and bobs. It’s a lived in but reasonably tidy room. PAGE 1 Panel 1 Open panel. High angle looking down into the bedroom. It’s night and fairly dark. Light from a street lamp shines in through the window. Kev lies in bed. He’s on his back, an arm behind his head. Panel 2 Long shot looking down at Kev (3/4angle). He’s lying in bed on his back. Panel 3 Mid shot, same 3/4 angle as panel 2, but closer. He’s lying on his side, clearly tossing and turning. Panel 4 Mid shot, profile view. In the foreground is the bedside table, which has a phone on it, as well as some pills packaging (opened), the bed and Kev in the mid ground, the window in the background. Kev is sitting up, looking around. SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz Panel 5 Mid-shot. Kev is sitting up in bed, swatting the air with his hand wildly. SFX: bzzzzz Panel 6 Mid-shot. Kev sitting up more alert. He still has he phone in his hand. He’s looking around, searching. Panel 7 Mid-shot, this time in profile of Kev. He holds his head in his hands out of fatigue and frustration. SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz Kev (small): God, no. Not again… Page 2 Panel 1 High angle shot looking down at Dave standing up out of bed. He’s holding a knee as he does to help prop himself up. He holds the phone out with a flashlight and the blue light of the screen lights his face. Kev: Ok... remember Kev… Kev: Deep breaths. Kev: Count to ten. SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz Panel 2 Close up of Kev’s hand flicking the light switch on. Kev: One. Panel 3 Close up of Kev’s hand rolling up the meditation book. Kev: Two. SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz Panel 4 Low angle looking at the bedside table in the foreground. A mosquito is on the table. Kev in the BG is sneaking up on it, phone in one hand and rolled up book up over his head in the other, ready to strike. Kev (small): Three. Kev: Fou— Panel 5 Mid-shot of Kev smacking the rolled up newspaper on the bedside table. He manages to also hit the ashtray, so the ashtray, cigarette ends and ash flies in the air. Kev(big): —arrrrrgh! SFX: Thwak! Panel 6 Very low angle shot looking up at Kev. He looks irate and out of control. SFX (small): bzzzzz Kev (bigger): aaaarghhhhhh! Page 3 Panel 1 Close up of the phone smashing on the floor. The screen cracks but the phone remains in tact. SFX: Crack! Panel 2 Long shot of Kev angrily throwing down the rolled up book. We are close enough the see the mosquito in the foreground as it flies. Kev: Ughh! SFX: bzzzz Panel 3 Mid-shotshot looking down at Kev as he angrily swipes the various items on the chest of drawers: they include a small collection of empty beer and spirits bottles, an open packet of cigs, a pair of worn socks. Panel 4 Low angle shot, in the foreground, one of the empty bottles of whisky smashes to the floor. In the background, Kev is standing by the side of the wardrobe and is in the process of toppling it over. Panel 5 Birds eye view shot of the bedroom. The wardrobe smashes in the middle of the floor, sending fragments of cheap wood across the room. Kev is leaning against the wall, next to the chest of drawers, exhausted. SFX(big): Smash! Panel 6 Long shot of Kev, sat on the floor next to the chest of drawers. He’s resting an arm on one knee and looking down at the floor. His cracked phone lies in the foreground, as well as bits of wood and broken stuff in front of and around him. Kev (small): …five. Page 4 Panel 1 Identical shot as page 3, panel 6 (previous panel). The light has changed, suggesting it is morning. Dave is sitting on the floor asleep, in roughly the same position, perhaps slumped out more. SFX (off) (small): bzzzzz Panel 2 Close up of Kev, lifting his head. He looks tired. Kev (small): -Ughh- Kev (small): What the— Panel 3 Close up of Kev’s phone, cracked screen. The time says 10:46am and an incoming call from ‘Jim Anger Group’. SFX (big) (from the phone): bzzzzz Panel 4 Mid shot of Kev, sat up, still obviously dazed and groggy. He is holding the phone, answering it. Kev: Hello? Phone (Jim): Hey Kev, it’s Jim. Phone (Jim): You missed the meeting and I was worried, mate. Panel 5 Birds eye view shot. We’re looking down on the bedroom in daylight. Devastation from the night before is visible - the broken wardrobe in the middle, smashed bottles, ashtray and other paraphernalia. Phone (Jim): You stayin’ in control? END

05-02-2019, 10:47 PM	#2
artsnake Registered User Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Nelson B.C. Canada Posts: 352	good exercise. It would make a good little project for artists to try some story telling ideas. __________________ scottsassaman.weebly.com http://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge...title_no=70603

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05-28-2019, 06:47 PM	#3
KevinLeeMcDougall Registered User Join Date: Sep 2015 Posts: 36	Good exercise! Love the ending!

07-01-2019, 06:10 AM	#4
SAWeyers Registered User Join Date: Jun 2019 Posts: 8	I'm trying to write my first script, I kind of used a hodge-podge of styles, but it looks similar to yours. I thought this was well done.